


Patient #1822

by FormallyKnownAsFreya



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Doctor/Patient, F/M, Fluff, Gay Sex, Hallucinations, Healing, Loads of Gay Sex, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Psychosis, Romance, You Have Been Warned, cute shit, happy endings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-25 09:08:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 71,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4954564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FormallyKnownAsFreya/pseuds/FormallyKnownAsFreya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian Castellanos enters the medical profession after a suffering a tragic loss years before. Finally he can help people the way he was helped. But only after the completion of his case study who is a rather taciturn fellow by the name of...Ruben Victoriano. </p><p>Can he help his patient as a doctor? As a friend? Or maybe something more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Sebastian Castellanos followed robotically behind the lead doctor at Beacon Mental Hospital with best friend (and coworker) Joseph Oda following close on his heels. Becoming a doctor was all Sebastian ever wanted to do. Analyzing an injury and helping work out problems always came so naturally to him. 

At first he wanted to be a surgeon as it made more sense to him; helping someone with a physical problem was easier than wandering the recesses of people's’ minds. Bandaging a cut or broken leg was a quick efficient fix, pretty cut and dry. But a series of events changed his mind to psychiatry and the memory made him shudder.

His friend Joseph was working towards becoming a nurse. Sebastian used to make jokes about it. Have fun changing those bedpans and bandaging head wounds, he’d said. As a joke he once bought him a pair of scrubs with ‘DOCTOR DOORMAT’ written in bold type on the back. But then the accident happened. Sebastian stopped telling jokes, he stopped pulling pranks. He stopped a lot of things then. The only thing he started doing was drinking, to which he had his own therapist to talk with about.

“This is the sleeping quarters,” the doctor in charge said. “Patients that take nightly medications are listed on the roster in the nurses’ station at the start. Here it is.”

The doctor informed Joseph of his duties preparing pills with the assistance of the beautiful head nurse. She was sitting at the desk typing on the computer and only spared a glance towards them once. Her eyes went from each of them for a split second, cataloging their appearance, but lingered on Joseph longer than usual. Then right back to the computer screen.

“Tatiana will answer any questions you have, Mr. Oda,” Dr. Jimenez told him. “Dr. Castellanos, follow me.”

“I’m not a doctor yet,” Sebastian corrected as he followed. “We’re just interns. We still have 6 months till graduation.”

“While you’re here, you will be referred to as ‘Doctor’ no matter the situation. So that patients and nurses will treat you with the proper respect early,” Jimenez told him sternly. “I’ve heard that you are the top of your class. Are there any particular hospitals you’re interested in working at? Have any made offers? Or maybe you're considering private practice?”

“Springfield General has made an offer but they’ve asked for many of us,” Sebastian said. “But I haven’t committed to any yet. I’m not experienced enough for private practice.”

“Keep an open mind,” Dr. Jimenez told him. “Perhaps Beacon Hospital will be the one for you.”

Jimenez gave Sebastian a new coat to wear with the emblem of the hospital on the lapel. He took the opportunity to clip his access ID card to the new coat’s pocket while Jimenez informed him of the daily routine there. Routine was important for patients. It created stability. Their world was chaotic enough without someone changing what the cafeteria was supposed to be serving on Wednesdays for lunch.

Would Sebastian like to take a tour of the common room to meet some of the patients? Yes, yes he would. Perhaps he could pick out his case study early, find someone with an interesting diagnosis for his paper. He took out a small black notebook and pen, ready to jot down a few thoughts.

“Here’s the common room or day-room if you prefer,” Jimenez informed him, allowing Sebastian to step ahead of him.

It wasn’t terrible. In fact, the whole institution was rather nice. There were a couple yellow sofas with little white flowers on them, a few tables with board games currently being played upon, and two different TVs on separate walls. One was playing sports while the other just played snowy white noise; it had more viewers than the soccer game playing opposite it.

On the floor in a corner behind a low shelf was a young man playing with blocks. His hands stacked quietly, mumbling nothing coherent enough to understand. He was odd looking with pale hair and paler skin. And very thin which seemed strange to Sebastian. This was a nice facility, why wouldn’t he be a healthy weight? Jimenez was leading them into his direction.

“Afternoon Leslie, how are you feeling?” Jimenez asked him.

“Feeling, feeling, feeling,” he said, rocking back and forth, finished with the blocks. “Feeling…good.”

“Leslie is my star patient,” Jimenez said proudly. “Aren’t you Leslie?

“Star, star, Leslie is a star.”

“This is Dr. Sebastian Castellanos, can you say hello?” Jimenez asked.

“Hello, hello, hello,” Leslie repeated. “Sebastian, hello.”

Sebastian managed a smile at the childlike Leslie and Leslie smiled back, showing a chipped tooth behind his lips. He returned to his blocks and instead of knocking them over he simply deconstructed the tower one block at a time. Sebastian scribbled down a some notes on Leslie; a few observations of the patient.

_**Leslie. Developmentally delayed. Dark circles under eyes. Insomnia.**_

“Leslie has difficulties communicating due to the stunt in his brain development,” Jimenez informed him as they walked around the room more. “He’s come a long way from when he first arrived. That was…nearly ten years ago. His situation won’t allow him to leave. He will need the support of the hospital for the rest of his life; he has no family.”

“That’s terrible,” Sebastian awed. “Did they…pass on?”

“Oh no, he was abandoned. Perhaps because he became too difficult to handle. He doesn’t remember only that he can’t wait to see his family again,” Jimenez looked at the patient from across the room as he happily stacked the blocks again. “It’s quite tragic.”

“I imagine there are many here with stories similar to that,” Sebastian looked at the room and all its occupants. How many sad life stories were there in that very room? How many would be there next year? Or the year after that? How many would be added in the years to come? How easily could he have been placed here himself?

“Yes, unfortunately that is true,” Jimenez sighed. “Come with me. Sit in on a session with one of my more difficult patients.”

Sebastian followed, fully expecting they would return to Jimenez’s office. That the patient would be brought to him. But they walked for quite a while, further and further into the depths of the hospital. Where were they going, he wondered. Eventually, Jimenez explained.

“We’re going to the long stay ward; for patients that refuse to be discharged or discharging them is simply not an option. Leslie sleeps in this ward in one of the smaller rooms. We’re going to one of the suites,” Jimenez told him.

The long stay ward was for patients that had been there for an inordinate amount of time. Usually this was due to extreme cases of mental illness or ones that needed a constant support structure or simply weren’t capable of taking care of themselves. Sebastian didn’t like to think about it but often this brought up incorrect images of deranged lunatics. Ones that wrote on the walls in blood or ate their mattresses or screamed in verse at monsters that weren’t there. Certainly these souls existed somewhere in the world but his imaginings included historical surroundings with deplorable living conditions. This hospital was very nice; there wouldn’t be rusting bed frames and rats climbing out of toilet seats here. He needed to stop imagining things or he'd give himself nightmares.

The suites were larger rooms; usually for special cases. Sebastian was fairly unversed in the reasons for larger rooms but he concluded it might be preferred for patients with claustrophobia or agoraphobics. They stopped outside a door where a sign hung with the patient’s name. Victoriano, Ruben. It sounded like the name of a prestigious musician or royalty. Quite the upper class sounding name.

“What's his diagnosis?” Sebastian asked.

“I think I’ll let you make observations of your own while I speak with him,” Jimenez nodded.

The doctor knocked on the door twice before opening it to walk in with Sebastian close behind.

The room was darker than he was prepared for; the hallway had been bright, white and blindingly clean. These windows had dark red almost brown drapes blocking any light from the outside. The walls were painted black, making the room appear even larger. A bed with dark covers that he assumed were red, given the rest of the room. Wooden bookshelves with intricate designs on them and filled to the brim with tomes. No space left for additional books. It looked like a room in the Addams family; as if they’d stepped through a portal from the hospital to an old mansion. There was even a record player which wasn't currently playing.

The only light in the room was from a lamp in the corner. Sitting in a chair under the lamp and painting at an easel was the patient. His face was obstructed, hidden in the shadow of a hooded jacket. His arm extended, using slow deliberate brush strokes.

“Afternoon. Dr. Jimenez,” he spoke. His voice was calm and collected, but with a cold hard edge to it. This was not a friendly greeting despite the politeness.

“Afternoon Ruben, how are you feeling today?” Jimenez asked as he sat down in a chair near the bed.

He stopped painting and gripped the handle tight momentarily.

“Dr. Jimenez, on many occasions I’ve asked you not to call me that,” the patient started. “So much so that you have not called me Ruben for years. I can only conclude that you wanted to register a negative reaction for your guest. How rude. Are you happy Doctor? How does ignoring my requests make _you_ feel?”

_**Ruben. Thin male. Average height. Perceptive. Intelligent. Defensive reaction.**_

“We’re not here for me; we’re here for you,” Jimenez straightened up.

“Then you should perhaps begin with introducing your guest,” he said, continuing his painting with a huff.

Sebastian looked to Jimenez for a cue and the Doctor nodded for a go ahead. As was Sebastian’s usual custom he approached the sitting man and extended his hand.

“Dr. Castellanos,” he spoke.

The hand that reached out and shook his was horribly scarred. An old burn covered his entire hand, fingers too. But it was nothing compared to his face. Now that he was closer the hood didn’t hide it well. The scarring traveled up his neck from his chest and covered the right side of his face. Sebastian's immediate reaction was to clench his hand while the hairs on his neck stood up. It was better than letting go in repulsed shock.

“Ruvik,” he spoke, firmly shaking his hand, but his piercing gray eyes narrowed. “Doctor, hmm…we’ll see.”

He let go of his hand and Sebastian walked back to Jimenez trying to regain the small loss of composure. He couldn't believe he reacted like that. Now the patient would think he was scared of him. He swallowed nervously before the notebook came back out for clinical observations.

Jimenez asked the basic assortment of questions. How was Ruvik sleeping? How were the voices today? Does he think the Thorazine is working for him? Did he complete any of his goals this week? Would he feel comfortable switching to a different sleeping medication?

Sebastian wondered what Ruvik’s past must have been like. The burns were extensive and often victims of arson or accidental fire ending up dying from infection. To survive such a thing…he must be quite resilient. What medications did Jimenez mention? Sleep medication...and Thorazine? A schizophrenic with trouble sleeping.

Ruvik was very short with his answers. He didn’t speak more than when they first entered the room. All the subsequent sentences were to the point. He didn’t sleep well; he could hear them in the walls. He was still adamant about staying in his room away from the disgusting people in the common areas. Signs of misanthropy, Sebastian added to the page.

_**Patient visibly tenses when speaking of voices. Does not like or trust Jimenez.** _

_**Taps foot when annoyed. Short clipped responses. Air of superiority.**_

It was hard to believe the session was only 20 minutes. It felt like they’d been in the room for hours. The lack of sunlight, any light actually, ended up temporarily blinding Sebastian when they exited into the hallway. He blinked, squinted, and rubbed at his eyes before speaking.

“A fascinating patient,” Sebastian commented. “Is he always so charming?”

“Ha, Ruvik is quite the special case. Would you like his file? You seemed quite interested in him,” Jimenez started walking back towards the nursing station they left Joseph at.

“Interested?” Sebastian asked, unsure of Jimenez’s meaning.

“You took a plethora of notes, Doctor. For your case study, I’m guessing,” he concluded. “Would you like to look at his file? You couldn’t take it home with you of course but in your spare time you could study it here. I’d be very interested in your scientific opinions of him.”

Sebastian looked down at the page in his book.

_**Ruvik. Piercing gaze with analytical eyes. Grey stormy eyes.**_

_**Strong hand and firm**  _ _**grip.** _

_**Deep, intelligent voice. Tense shoulders. Firm posture.** _

It was definitely not the kind of observations he usually made. He flipped the book shut and jammed it into his pocket as they arrived at the nursing station. Joseph waved a little as he looked over the nurse Tatiana’s shoulder at the computer screen.

Ruvik seemed a strong case for his study though. He'd hate to pass up something as unique as him. Among other reasons…

“Hmm,” Sebastian cleared his throat. “I would like that file on Ruvik Dr. Jimenez.”

“I’ll have it ready for you tomorrow,” said Jimenez. “Now that’s all for today, if you have any additional questions direct them to Tatiana. We’ll see you both tomorrow, bright and early.”

Jimenez took a clipboard and bid them goodbye to continue his rounds or sessions or whatnot. Joseph thanked Tatiana for her time and all her help, she responded with a knowing nod.

“Ready to get out of here?” Joseph asked patting his shoulder.

Sebastian was ready to go. Not because he wanted to get away but because he wanted to be rested for tomorrow. He needed to be more alert. And more professional. The last thing he needed was another session of biased physical descriptions of a patient.

 

Home was a third floor apartment just outside of the campus grounds. No absurd rent that comes with being close to campus and no annoying Resident Advisers. The best part about it was the roommate situation; just the two of them. No extra person they didn’t know assigned to their room based on a superficial survey.

Joseph and Sebastian had been friends for years. He was there for Sebastian when he got married. When his daughter was born. When she…

Well, he was always there for him. Most people say they have a best friend but for Sebastian it was more than that; they were as close as possible without being lovers. Brothers through bond. Not many people can claim such a friendship and he was glad to have him.

Sebastian drove them both home and Joseph spent most of the time relaying any information he garnered from the nurse. Protocols and the things he would be doing. Where Joe could be reached and when he’d be taking lunch.

“Tatiana was so helpful,” Joseph sighed while checked his notes. The handwriting was so small compared to his own.

“She’s cute too,” Sebastian commented. “Maybe you’ll finally ask a girl out.”

“N-No way, too much work needs to get done,” Joseph stuttered, his face a little red.

“Right,” Sebastian rolled his eyes.

Conversations together had grown shorter in recent years. They used to talk all the time. Used to speak about television shows, new books, Lily riding her new…

It was harder to talk now. His mouth would dry up and his throat would tighten when he thought of them. He wished to go back in time, to fix things but it was too late for them. It was better to spend his time helping those still among the living. Not dwelling on the past. 

Sebastian grabbed a beer from the fridge and Joseph eyed him warily. Sometimes he wished Joseph would mind his own business. He meant well but the constant looking over him like a mother hen annoyed him. He wasn’t a child; he was more than capable of watching his limits.

He took the beer into his room and sat at his desk. On it was a laptop waiting patiently for fingers to clack the keys and begin on his case study notes. He'd like to do his report on Ruben Victoriano, the scarred insomniac schizophrenic.

Ruvik. He wanted to be called Ruvik.

One beer turned into two and before it could become three Sebastian checked the living room for the hovering roommate. He hated getting scolded for drinking too much, especially when he knew better. Part of his therapy was to cut back and Sebastian knew it. So did Joseph, so it was important that he didn't get caught. The coast was clear, allowing Sebastian to grab two beers and bring them back to the quiet comfort of his room.

He began with typing about the living conditions at the hospital and the protocols. Having procedural data would be helpful when analyzing treatments for effectiveness. The devil was in the details and he had to make sure everything was just so. Every once in a while a little red squiggle would show up under the misspelled words he was typing. When it became more frequent he decided it was time to stop, save progress, and turn in for the night.

He hoped it would be a restful evening. His dreams had other plans.

The bed squeaked as he tossed and turned, small groans muffled into his pillow. Drive. Drive faster. His breathing deepened and sped into panting. The sergeant was a liar. He almost hit a Sedan. They couldn’t be. There was no way they could be…

He cried and called out to them. Please god let them be okay, he thought frantically. They were at the hospital. They had to be okay if they made it to the hospital. His rolling turned into thrashing as he ran. Sweat drenched his body, tears dampened his face.

“Seb! Wake up!” Joseph said, shaking his shoulders. “Stop! Calm down! The neighbors will call the cops…”

“Lily! Myra!” he awoke, springing forward. “Lily, is she…? Not again… I'm-”

“Don’t apologize,” Joseph cut him off when he grabbed his face in embarrassment and to wipe his eyes. “It’s been awhile since you’ve had one of these…Are you alright?”

Joseph was right; it had been nearly…two years. He thought they’d never start up again. The last time he came close to something like this was during a pig roast with his family; someone lost track of time and burnt it badly. The smell... Before that it was in his apartment right after he left the hospital.  After they…passed. It was so quiet without them. It was easy to connect why it happened now.

The burnt flesh of Ruvik’s face. The twisted scar tissue remaining on his neck, chest, and hands. Healed but with implications to what came before. Surging heat and scorching flames. He could easily see Lily wrapped in bandages again…her little fingers bleeding through the dressings and the smell of infection as it slowly killed her.

Sebastian threw up in the wastebasket Joseph had already procured for him. He retched alcohol and potato chips into the fortunately plastic bag lined receptacle. Joseph gave him a pitying sigh and rubbed his back with one hand.

“Get it out,” Joe told him eyeing the two beer bottles on the desk and the two on the floor. “All of it. Or you’ll never sleep tonight…”

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian managed between hurls.

“I know,” Joseph smiled sympathetically. “Hold this; I’ll get you a Gatorade.”

He took the can in both hands and held it tight. There were two more expulsions before they finally stopped.  His therapist said to think of good memories to associate with her.

Think think.

Twirling in her ballet tutu. Eating mac and cheese while watching cartoons. Talking to neighborhood cats. He felt better emotionally but started feeling lightheaded, a headache fast approaching. A blue sports drink was pressed into his hands. He drank the much needed liquid in deep gulps. Joseph asked once more if he was okay and Sebastian nodded.  He thanked his roommate and bedded down for the second time that night.

Hopefully tomorrow would be better.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

The hospital seemed in high spirits. All the patients were chipper, at least the ones out in the day-room did. Wednesdays seemed like a special day around the place and Sebastian soon found out why. It was beef stew day and apparently it was nearly everyone’s favorite.

“Fun fact: we’ve never had a food fight on a Wednesday,” Jimenez chuckled.

“Food fights common?” Sebastian asked.

“Sometimes, usually when someone changes medication or finds a way to not take them,” Jimenez frowned disapprovingly. “About twice a month.”

“But never on a Wednesday,” Sebastian mused. “Good day to wear my favorite tie.”

The morning group session Sebastian sat in on was insightful. Leslie Withers was in attendance but didn’t talk nearly as much as the day prior. He was surprisingly restrained when speaking in a group setting. The other patients talked about how her father was to blame for their illness, or that they weren't really sick because he was an undercover agent, or they spoke quietly to the empty chair as if it was alive. Some talked about how eating made them feel alive or that they were sad when it rained. All in all, it told Sebastian a little about the residents there. They dismissed after half an hour’s time.

“There’s an empty seat,” Sebastian noted after session, as he didn’t want to upset the chair-whispering girl while she was conversing.

“Yes, for Ruvik; if he ever decides to join us,” Jimenez sighed.

“So he’s not confined to his quarters?”

“Oh no. He simply prefers solitude. Ruvik doesn’t trust anyone,” Jimenez waved at a patient who walked by as if she were walking a dog.

“Speaking of, if I could get his file…” Sebastian inquired.

“Ah, yes of course. After lunch would be best,” Jimenez smiled. “Come let’s eat.”

The doctors and nurses that were on break ate with the patients. According to the good doctor it was to instill a family atmosphere. It seemed at odds with Jimenez’s ‘nurses and patients will treat you with respect’ attitude from the day before but Sebastian didn’t comment on it. He stared down at the stew, unimpressed with its unappealing display. After a moment of silence to pray for his innards he swallowed a spoonful.

“Wow,” Sebastian blinked. “It’s pretty good.”

“Good. Good. Pretty good,” Leslie repeated and smiled as he ate another mouthful.

He was always told cafeteria food was sub par. It was good to see not everything you hear is true. Sebastian would hold back reservations in the future; can’t judge a book by its cover. Sebastian looked over the queue where he picked up his food and noticed some nurses putting together meals. No doubt for patients in rooms. Patients like Ruvik. He finished his plate quickly.

“Not to sound like a broken record, Doctor, but the file on Mr. Victoriano?” Sebastian reminded him.

“Yes, of course, follow me.”

While trying to maintain a professional appearance, one could not help but notice the eagerness in which he followed Jimenez’s steps. He was interested in learning more about this strange patient. The head doctor’s office was large; larger than he expected. Beacon Mental Hospital was, after all, a small facility all things considered.

Red short pile carpet, with matching drapes on the windows. There was the stereotypical brown leather couch for patients to lay on and spill their deepest insecurities with a high-backed chair across from it for the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to sit in, legs crossed with notebook in hand. It couldn’t get any more storybook. In the time it took for Sebastian to criticize the style of the room, Jimenez had already retrieved the file from a rather modern looking file cabinet, complete with combination locks.

It took all that Sebastian had in him not to snatch it out of his hands; he was certainly taking long enough walking there to get it. Finally, he could read it. But where?

“Just don’t take it off facility and return it before you sign out,” Jimenez insisted, taking a seat at his desk.

“Of course, sir,” Sebastian nodded as he left the room.

A quiet place. He needed someplace quiet where no one would bother him. He stood up straight and proper before walking the halls, the file tucked safely under his arm. He tried to remember where it was that Joseph was working. Certainly he had an office, one he shared with the nurse Tatiana but still…It was out of the way, without too much thru traffic.

“Left…then Right? No, it was two lefts,” Sebastian mumbled. “There!”

The only one manning the desk area was Tatiana and currently she was filing her nails. After each one she scooped some beef stew from the tray brought to her desk and chewed slowly as she continued. She was utilizing her break well, he supposed.

“Can I help you, Dr. Castellanos?” She said, in monotone, never looking up from her nails.

“Mind if I sit back here to read a bit?” he asked, nodding towards the empty seat in the corner.

“You’re always welcome here,” she nodded and continued filing her nails.

He eyed her, slightly unsure of her attitude, but entered the office area and sat in the corner chair. It was away from prying eyes and, from what he could tell, undisturbed by noise. He opened the file across his crossed legs.

_**Patient #1822 Ruben Victoriano** _

Sebastian was a fast reader and summarized his findings in his notebook. Discovered as a prodigy at a young age. Wealthy family. There was a picture of the household together though no one wore a smile. A serious family it seemed. He and his older sister were in a tragic accident. Fire in a barn. Sebastian felt a pang of sympathy; the fire killed her but he survived.

Months in a hospital with many close calls. A strong will, he concluded. The hospital photos nearly made him sick. Second and third degree burns…he flipped them over and slid them under other papers. Now was not the time to look at them.

IQ tests were off the charts. It was likely Ruvik was smarter than everyone in the building, including him. Hell, including the head doctor. Degrees and Doctorates in Biology, Psychology, and Chemistry too. He could be his own damn shrink, it was incredible.

There were a few additional photographs that didn’t seem to have any place. Ruvik holding a violin. Dissection of a frog. And one picture of Ruvik and his sister; the only one with him smiling. He was still a child then. His eyes tilted up to look at his sister with adoration while she held him and smiled lovingly back.

Loss of a loved one could trigger many neuroses. His diagnosis noted schizophrenia, misanthropy, insomnia, and occasional violent seizures. Schizophrenia was accompanied by voices, hallucinations, and paranoia. Listed were a couple of incidents involving injury to at least three nurses in the decade or so he’d been there. A bitten hand, a push resulting in a bruised shoulder, and an elbow in the rib cage when being subdued during an episode. Trashed his room at least once a year. Regularly refused food.

A number of questions plagued Sebastian’s mind. Were the seizures pre or post fire? Was there a history of schizophrenia in the family? What about his parents? His sister? There was surprisingly little documentation on them. How could they diagnose him without a proper medical history?

“Hey Seb,” Joseph spoke, making him jump.

“How long you been there?” Sebastian asked, straightening up all the paperwork that fell from his lap.

“A while now,” Joseph sighed as he stooped down. He picked up a photo and grimaced before handing it back to Sebastian. “Should you be looking at these?”

Sebastian took the photo; one of the hospital photos of Ruvik burned and bandaged. He was lying flat, his left fist clenched in excruciating pain. Were painkillers weaker then? Or did they invite infection? He couldn’t have stood it if Lily had been without Morphine. If she had died in pain…

“It’s alright, I’m studying up on this patient,” Sebastian cleared his throat. “His misanthropy stems from the death of his sister, uh, here it is, Laura. From what the transcripts of his sessions say, she was his life. Blames anyone and everyone for the fire that led to her death. His paranoia leads him to think all people are to blame.”

“Perhaps your study should be on someone else?” Joseph said concerned. “There could be a conflict of interest or negative transference between the two of you.”

“Why? Because my family died in a fire? If nothing else I’d be a positive influence,” Sebastian countered. “If I can adjust and accept the events in my life, I should be able to get through to a patient to do the same. Perhaps even help him because of my experiences.”

“Lower your voice Seb, I’m not trying to fight you on it,” Joseph raised his hands in defense. “I’m just saying be careful.”

Tatiana called over 'Mr. Oda' for some orders and Sebastian stewed in feelings of annoyance towards his roommate. He wasn’t going to personalize it. What did Joseph know? He couldn’t understand the feelings of persecution that come with losing your family and having no one to blame. Accidents never have a culprit, which meant no closure. At least, that’s how he felt for that first year. He couldn't imagine how Sebastian felt, how Ruvik felt.

“Food trays for the shut-ins,” said a nurse with a trolley. “Thanks Tatiana.”

Tatiana nodded and stood from her chair. With a slow swagger she walked to the trolley and placed her newly manicured fingers on the handle. She was quite attractive when Sebastian thought about it but her smile seemed so hollow; her voice rang with no emotion. If he didn’t know any better and she were dressed in civvies he’d think she was a patient.

“Dr. Castellanos, would you accompany me as Mr. Oda mans the desk?” she asked without looking at him.

Sebastian stood, placed the file back under his arm and walked in step with her down the clean white hallways. She didn’t speak much, one of those that only talked when it’s absolutely necessary. At each door she knocked lightly, entered, administered drugs and left the food. The patients seemed at ease with her calm demeanor, he wondered why she asked him to join. She seemed to have it handled.

She stopped at a door. Victoriano, Ruben. Nurse Gutierrez handed him the tray.

“If you’d please, Dr. Castellanos. Patient 1822 is often unreceptive to food being brought to him,” she told him. “I’d rather eat beef stew, than wear it.”

“I…see,” Sebastian said hesitantly as he took the tray. She was the head nurse, she could tell him what to do since he was just an intern.

“Scream if you need me, I’ll be right here,” she said. He decided it was her attempt to make a joke, though it didn't hit its mark. It only made him more nervous.

Castellanos swallowed and gave the door a knock before entering. When opened he was welcomed with the sound of a piano on the player and Ruvik lying in his bed. The patient sat up and swung his feet to the floor. He stood and walked to the record player and lifted the arm making the room go silent. Ruvik then stood there impatiently waiting for him to get a move on.

“Your lunch,” Sebastian commented and placed it on his side table dresser next to his bed.

“The nurse has you doing her bidding now? Perhaps you should consider an alternate profession because doctor simply doesn't do you justice,” Ruvik told him. “Maybe a butler. Or maid.”

“Have I done or said anything to offend you? Or do you hate all doctors?” Sebastian asked. “Where's all this animosity is coming from?”

“A therapy session? Right now?” Ruvik chuckled sardonically.

What a great idea, Sebastian blinked. 

“If you don't mind, yes. I think if we spoke for a bit I might be able to learn from you,” Sebastian opened the door and told Tatiana to go without him. She nodded and rolled away the rest of the food. "It's my job to help people and learn from them. And I could certainly learn a lot from you Mr. Victoriano."

Sebastian took out his notebook and dragged a chair slightly closer to the bed. Ruvik went to his bookshelf and pulled down a book. He then leaned his back against the shelving unit and scanned the pages.

_**The patient likes keeping distance between speakers. Solitary nature.** _

“Whenever you’d like to begin, Doctor,” Ruvik said, already showing disinterest.

“I’d like to begin by asking about your past,” Sebastian jotted. “Your file's very bare when it comes to your history. And I’d like to flesh it out to help with your psychosis.”

“I will not speak on this subject with--I hesitate to call him even this but--your superior. What on God’s green earth makes you think I’ll speak to you about it? What am I to gain from the conversation?” Ruvik scoffed.

He wants something? Sebastian wondered what he could possibly offer him. He'd have no hand in getting him special foods or forbidden objects; they’d reassign him to another hospital if they didn't just expel him. Ruvik liked books from what he could tell. He had a record player, perhaps he’d like some records. That wouldn't work. Jimenez had probably made offers of all of those before. They were all too predictable, too simple for Ruvik. There was nothing he could give this man that his doctors hadn’t tried to bribe him with already. All he had was himself.

“What if I told you a little of myself, an exchange,” Sebastian leaned forward a little. “You’re a man of intellect. Information for information.”

Ruvik looked up from his book, suspicious. He hadn't expected this; a doctor with original thoughts. He closed it and on its spine was a title in German.The book was slid into its place on the shelf and he pulled another down. Ruvik sat on the stool in front of the easel.

“You’re not very intelligent,” Ruvik deduced. “You would give information of a personal nature to a demented genius and schizophrenic? For a little history? Sounds foolish…as I am certified in psychotherapy myself. I could and would certainly use it against you.”

“You sound afraid,” Sebastian challenged. “Afraid I might be smart enough to use your history to help you?”

Ruvik glared sending chills down Sebastian’s back. Was it the accusation of fear? No, he didn’t glare until after his second sentence. The anger came from the insinuation of help.

“You will fail like all the others,” Ruvik told him with a huff. “Ask your question. And then I will ask mine. And vice versa. Uncomplicated enough for you?”

Sebastian nodded calmly but underneath his interest bubbled. Others? He was already transferring animosity of other doctors onto Sebastian, someone he hardly knew. And now he was going to open up about himself. A breakthrough he bet even Jimenez couldn’t get. He quickly put the file on the ground and pulled a pen from his coat. Ruvik’s eyes flitted up periodically from his now French book to Sebastian’s hand as he clicked his pen.

“Let’s begin with something simple,” Sebastian started and Ruvik rolled his eyes. “What is your earliest happy memory?”

“Being at home playing the violin for my family,” Ruvik sighed as if bored.

“If you are going to give short, worthless answers then you will receive the same when you ask,” Sebastian eyed.

Ruvik stood from the stool and turned away with a grumble. He held the book close to his chest and took a deep breath. Was it worth traveling down memory lane for a little torture fodder for a doctor? Maybe. 

“My sister was reading The Divine Comedy to me in the original Italian,” he said. “We were about to begin…Purgatorio when she stopped. She told me it was beautiful outside. 'Let us stop reading about Hell and Purgatory and enjoy the heavenly day God provided for us.' Hmph...God.”

He placed the book on the shelf with a shaky hand and whispered something Sebastian couldn’t hear before pulling another book off the shelf. The Divine Comedy in Italian; not the one his sister owned. A new one with a new cover since his parents would not give him the original. He flipped to the page they'd stopped on before continuing.

“We went for a stroll outside. I took my violin with me and played for her in the sunflower fields as she danced with nothing and everything,” he swallowed to clear his throat. “She loved to laugh for no reason other than to laugh. I never understood that. Always laughing until…”

Ruvik stopped and touched his face then shook away the new memory pressing in on his thoughts. Sebastian recorded the change in demeanor. 

“My turn,” Ruvik coughed. “No one chooses this profession without some interest in tragedy. What happened to turn you towards this career?”

Sebastian was prepared for this question; in fact, he'd expected it. Most normal people ask it of him. Why go into the field of psychology? Are you crazy? Why explore the deepest depths of the tortured mind? Why swim in those dark seas and risk drowning? To rescue people whose lungs were already filled with water?

“I started down the path of a surgeon. But my wife and daughter,” Sebastian began and flinched for a second looking upon Ruvik, to which he glared in response. “They died. I met people who taught me how to adjust and learned that many need that kind of help so I changed fields.”

“Give a substantial response; what happened to your wife and child? Specifics Doctor!” Ruvik asked, suspicious of how Sebastian omitted any actual details.

“They died in an apartment fire,” Sebastian swallowed.

“Is that why you feel such a dire need to ‘help’ me? Oh so alike are we? We have so much in common!” Ruvik mocked and threw his book at the wall. “Get out deceiver! You say you wish to help but cringe at the very sight of the monster in front of you! Leave, pathetic lying worm!”

“Calm down, Mr. Victoriano,” Sebastian put a hand out to show he meant no harm. “I just wanted to tell-“

“Tell me Doctor! Tell me how much we’re alike. Let’s bond over dead loved ones!” Ruvik kicked over his easel with a yell. “Tell me about how you used to dissect cats to understand the circulatory system and how listening to the best friend you ever had playing the piano was the only thing that made you happy. Tell me about her screams as the flames consumed her and the smell of burning flesh as it enters your nostrils and never leaves! Do you still hear them Doctor? Do you?!”

Ruvik thrashed and knocked over his tray and his stool. He tore books from the shelves and threw them at Sebastian with great force. One hit the back of his head as he hit the buzzer to summon a nurse. He yelled into the intercom for a sedative for patient 1822. If he could get a hold of Ruvik before she arrived administering it would be easier.

“Mr. Victoriano, please calm down!” Sebastian tried to grab him.

“And the pain, how much pain was there? God, stop screaming Laura I can’t hear him speak!” Ruvik covered his ears for a second. “Did you sit in the hospital in agonizing pain that no chemical could take away?! While your sister screamed and clawed at the door? Did you feel it?!”

Ruvik grabbed the pen from the chair, the pen Sebastian absentmindedly left to call the nurse. He stabbed at the air, at nothing, screaming and raging. It had only been seconds since he used the intercom but it felt longer, like hours. Sebastian grabbed Ruvik while he was turned around to keep him from swinging at the nurse when she came in.

Sebastian pinned his arms to his sides but he wailed and thrashed. Screaming about letting him go. He wasn’t even sure if Ruvik was talking to him or his imagined demons. The way he screamed made Sebastian think something was actually there in the room with them, hurting him. It weakened his resolve to hold him still, so Ruvik wormed a hand out and stabbed behind him into the shoulder of his captor. Once not too hard but the second time much harder through the jacket. Stabbing and stabbing.

“Dammit, Ruvik,” Sebastian grumbled, biting back the pain. There was blood on the pen from the sheer force. Then suddenly Ruvik went slack.

“You may release him Dr. Castellanos,” Tatiana droned, removing the syringe from Ruvik’s pinned arm. “Place him on the bed, if you would.”

Sebastian positioned him onto the empty bed; the tray of food had been flipped to the floor. His hood had been lowered, exposing more of his burn scars. The right side was devastated with scar tissue but the left was fairly untouched. Stern but now relaxed in drug induced unconsciousness. Tatiana was holding his wrist and checking her watch to measure his pulse.

“Will he be alright?” he asked.

“The worrying sort I see,” she managed a small smile before losing it. “He will survive. You should attend to your injuries at the nurse station while I focus on cleaning up this mess.”

Sebastian was concerned he might get in trouble but it didn’t seem like Tatiana was the type to go running to Jimenez. Nothing he did was against protocol; except maybe he shouldn’t have been alone with a patient in a room. He also didn’t have permission to do a therapy session with a patient. He was fully prepared to be sent away with a court date for fucking things up.

He grabbed the file, his notebook and bloodied pen from the ground. At least the injuries were his and not the patient’s. That had to be worth something. Walking back to the nurse’s station he covered the puncture wound as he passed by another nurse. He entered Tatiana’s office and saw Joseph skimming through files. When he looked up he acknowledged Sebastian as he normally would. Sebastian waved his bloody hand and Joseph immediately rushed to his friend.

“What happened?” Joseph asked pulling him to a chair and rummaging through the medicine cabinet.

“I tried to show I identified with Ruvik,” Sebastian started. “And you were right; it was a mistake. He had an episode and stabbed me with my pen. I shouldn't have compared us."

Sebastian removed his coat, tie, and button up so that Joseph could get to the wound. He grit his teeth and sighed with annoyance as Joseph disinfected the injury with skillful hands; one placed on his tense shoulder the other tentatively dabbing a swab into his flesh. Joseph kept his thoughts to himself the entire time. No ‘I told you so’. No ‘You should have listened to me’. Joseph knew all too well that Sebastian didn’t need to be told when he’d made an error in judgment; the look was enough.

He bandaged him up, stretching gauze around his shoulder to hold the compress in place. It wasn't horrible but it would take a bit to heal. He gave Sebastian an aspirin and water, along with more worry.

“Please, be careful Seb,” Joseph looked towards the door.

“I know, I know,” Sebastian waved him to stop.

“I mean it,” he looked at him, concern overwhelming. “Your professional future aside please be careful with your patient. He may not be in control of his actions but you are in control of yours; I’d hate for you to seriously get hurt due to some insensitive comment-”

“You’re overreacting,” Sebastian stood. “It was just a little episode. A little poke. He’s fine. I'm fine.”

Joseph just shook his head. The message wasn’t getting through. He’d have to learn the hard way, which was killing Joseph inside. He always had to do things the hard way. Tatiana returned to the office and alerted Sebastian to the progress of the patient. He was sleeping now and the room was cleaned, though the books were left where they fell. The patient would not take kindly to them being touched.

“I see that Mr. Oda has taken care of your battle wound,” Tatiana nodded looking at his bare chest. “I shall have to ask you to dress my injuries next time; it looks quite professional.”

It was difficult to tell if she was jesting or not but regardless Joseph turned red at the implication that he might bandage a wound on her exposed body. Sebastian chuckled at his embarrassment and pat his shoulder. Tatiana shuffled quietly to a back room and returned with clean clothes for him. He thanked her and changed while Joseph went back to organizing files but not without a disappointed sigh.

Sebastian took a moment to clean off the bloody pen before sitting down and reading through the files once more. Next time he would be better prepared.


	3. Chapter 3

 

The next couple of days were quiet between the two roommates. They didn’t speak of the assault, which ended up in Ruvik’s file as a schizophrenic episode in which an unnamed intern was assaulted with minimal injury. Jimenez was not pleased with Ruvik’s relapse into a violent episode but didn’t blame Sebastian and didn’t punish him for breaking protocol since the patient was not hurt.

Instead, Sebastian punished himself mentally and avoided the patient’s room. He wouldn’t be approaching patient 1822’s room without a nurse escort again.  Not until he was more prepared for addressing a violent scenario. In the meantime he observed nurses and patients alike. He studied their interactions on how to avoid or completely reroute a meltdown. It turned out that Tatiana was a master at this.

She was bringing medicine to Leslie and he was not having it. He refused and moved his face away like a child refusing baby food. Then he started a high pitched whine to which Tatiana pulled out a pendant. She spun it back and forth over his head, distracting him. His mouth was wide and eyes amazed by the shining jewelry. In that short amount of time she placed the pill in his mouth and handed him a glass of orange juice. He didn’t even notice and swallowed it down.

“That was great,” Sebastian complimented her and bowed. “Teach me your ways sensei.”

“It is not difficult Dr. Castellanos, but it comes from years of observation and experience,” she told him. “You simply need practice. And opportunity.”

“That all?” Sebastian chuckled.

“And when that doesn’t work, try something…unconventional,” she smiled.

Tatiana bid him farewell and went about her rounds. He decided to walk around the hospital during his lunch break instead of eating the tetrazzini. Something unconventional? He wasn’t sure what she meant by that but most things she said were quite mysterious with a hint of wisdom.

Sebastian returned Ruvik’s file days before and began making his own file; one he was leaving at home. This patient was a complicated case, if his previous interaction was any indication. Documentation of every incident would improve his chances for success in the future. He’d already added his theories and thoughts on how to proceed.

“With caution,” he mumbled under his breath.

“I don’t want your tripe!” yelled a familiar voice.

A tray clamored to the ground after being thrown out the door, sending food in all directions as it skidded to a stop. A nurse exited the room quickly and nearly ran into Sebastian. She looked nervously to the door but then glared at the ground and the food she had to clean up. Again.

“Don’t go in,” she told him. “I’m going to get the head nurse.”

“And stay the hell out of my quarters! All of you pathetic swine!” he yelled.

The nurse stomped her way down the hall in a power-walk that could have left depressions under her feet. It seemed Ruvik treated everyone like that. No exceptions. What a rotten attitude, especially considering everyone was doing their best to be nice and accommodating. No one ever stood up to him. They just apologized and avoided him. And that didn't help, it just enabled his behavior. 

Enough.

Sebastian was tired of tiptoeing around this patient and trying to think of gentle ways to pull him out of his shell. Before he wanted to take it easy on him, because he pitied him and believed him vulnerable but that wasn't case anymore. This behavior, throwing food, was not acceptable for someone of Ruvik’s intelligence. In fact, it should be above him.  He entered the room with a huff.

“Why are you throwing your food like a child?” Sebastian scolded him.

“You again,” he growled and adjusted his hood to hide his face better. “Even a Neanderthal like you should be aware of the guerilla methods employed here; the food here is saturated with drugs. It weakens my thought process. Clouds my mind and...I...simply can't think.”

“They’re probably prescription to drown out your hallucinations, drugs you refuse to take under normal circumstances,” Sebastian explained. “That’s if there are any in your food at all and you’re not just being paranoid.”

“Paranoid? Is it paranoia when I feel so exhausted after eating that garbage that all I do is lay pathetically in bed? Helpless and weak as the creatures come? You think it’s so safe, then you eat it!” he yelled and threw an open milk carton at Sebastian. He dodged the box as it flew past his head into the hall and hit the opposing wall with a splat. The rest pouring out of it after it hit the ground. Ruvik continued to shoot daggers with his eyes, trying to intimidate Sebastian into leaving.

“Fine, don’t eat. Wither away because your body is instead weak from lack of sustenance. But stop throwing it around like an ape throws shit. Or how about this? You want ‘undrugged’ food? Then go to the canteen like everyone else,” Sebastian appealed to his logic, which he clearly valued more than the emotional appeal. “They can’t drug communal food with everyone’s drugs; everyone’s disorders are different. People would die.”

Ruvik paused, thinking about it and glaring about the ape comment.

“You can go eat with the unwashed idiot masses,” suggested Sebastian. “Or sit here like a temperamental baby throwing a tantrum over an easy fix.”

Tatiana arrived with Joseph in tow. Ruvik saw her and calmed himself; he didn’t want another shot. Not after the headache the last one caused.

“Another tray for Mr. Victoriano, I presume?” she asked Castellanos.

“No,” Sebastian answered. “If he wants food he can go get it himself from the lunch room.”

“Seb,” Joseph warned.

“Shut it, Joe. If I were you nurse, I’d leave him a bucket and mop to clean up his own mess,” Sebastian pointed. “He’s not a delicate flower or a wild dog; he’s more than capable of controlling his actions. You had a shitty life, fine, that’s understandable. But it doesn’t make your behavior any more acceptable. Being an asshole is no excuse for the way you treat people who are only trying to help you.”

Sebastian swooped out of the room past the nurse, past Joseph, and past the mess on the floor and walls. He was nearly to the front lobby before he understood what he’d done and collapsed into a bench in delayed realization. He’d yelled at a patient, called him a baby and an asshole. Told his best friend to shut up. And gave the head nurse an order. Sebastian covered his forehead in despair. 

He had some nerve for an intern.

“I am so fucking fired,” Sebastian sighed. He needed to report to the Jimenez before it came through a nurse or worse Joseph. Goodbye medical school. Goodbye graduation. Good bye hopes and prospects for the future. Goodbye Ruvik. He walked with trepidation to the head doctor's office.

He could not have been more shocked with the result. When he told Dr. Jimenez what happened he was greeted with laughter and smacks on the back. He’d never considered a tough love approach. Outwardly Sebastian looked pleased as he received pats; inwardly he was wetting himself in with relief. He really didn’t want to give up his career path on account of one indiscretion.

“Castellanos, how would you like a bit more responsibility?” Jimenez asked.

“Sir?” Sebastian quirked a brow.

“I’m going to leave the care and treatment of patient 1822 under you. Short of administering drugs, you can dictate his therapy,” Jimenez chuckled. “You’ve had more luck than I in getting him to even speak. Perhaps something resonates in him with you.”

Ruvik resonating with him? Perhaps it was the shared tragedy. Or their overall attitudes. Their youth; after all Jimenez was sixty-something. There was something about Ruvik that made him want to keep trying despite being a brat. No one was beyond all hope.

If Sebastian wanted to make suggestions for medications he could make them to Jimenez. Otherwise, he had free reign. He could try some different methods as long as he put the idea past Jimenez first.  His plan was to treat Ruvik like he wasn't different; treat him like he was a normal guy with _severe_ anger management issues. The daily therapy sessions would continue now led by Sebastian.

Still, that was a lot of control to give an intern, especially a young and hard headed one. He was just thankful his yelling spat didn’t get him kicked out; he felt lucky he didn’t have to beg the doctor for another chance. Sebastian was not above getting on his knees to plead for a redo. But Jimenez basically gave complete control over the patient’s treatment to him. It felt like being rewarded for bad behavior.   

He was on the same page with the head doctor now but the ground was shaky with Joseph. For the rest of that day his roommate took the cold shoulder approach. When he entered or left a room he said nothing to Sebastian; wouldn’t even acknowledge him. At first it wasn’t so bad, as it meant Sebastian could get more things done around the apartment without his nagging, but eventually he felt guilty for upsetting him.

Instead of letting himself stew in his guilt Sebastian focused on Ruvik; there would be time to apologize to Joseph later.

The day after yelling at him Castellanos found himself in the cafeteria leaning against a wall, waiting. He was certain Ruvik would show if not that day then the next; all that was needed was patience and resolve.

Leslie walked by Sebastian occasionally and showed him a toy he was playing with. Today it was a wind up car. Leslie seemed like such an effortless case in comparison to Ruvik. He was a child in an adult’s body so encouragement worked wonders for his behavior. If only Ruvik was so easy.

“What are you thinking about, Seb?” said a voice to his left. Joseph leaned against the wall, finally speaking to him again.

“Just my patient I guess,” Sebastian shrugged and looked to the ground. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I was frustrated with Ruvik…”

"And taking it out on others is the correct response?” Joseph asked shaking his head. “I'd expect that from your patient but from you? I know you didn’t mean to bite. And I don’t mean to be a nag like I’m your wife-” he cut himself off, realizing his error. “I- I’m sorry. I didn’t…”

“I know what you meant,” Sebastian leaned back and looked at the ceiling. “I have poor impulse control. And you’re a know it all.”

Sebastian glanced at his friend who was looking remorsefully at the ground. He gave him a shove and an uplifting smile. Joseph fixed his glasses and smiled back. They shook their heads at each other and chuckled, their shoulders barely leaning on each other. They apologized without words. They didn't need them. Nothing was going to wreck their friendship; not even differences of opinion.

“Maybe yelling wasn’t such a terrible idea. For once,” Joseph nodded towards the door. “Your patient, Doctor.”

Ruvik stood at the door, his hood up and hands in his pockets, looking around cautiously. He bandaged the burned portions of his face and squinted at the harsh light in the room. The patient looked straight at Sebastian and then turned abruptly as if he didn’t care to look in his direction. He then trudged his way over to the lunch queue to get his food.

This was fascinating and immediately Sebastian pulled out his notebook and started writing with a grin.

**Progress made today. Patient left the confines of his room to eat. Against his  
** **extreme misanthropy he has decided to be around other people at my suggestion.  
** **Shows promise for further treatment using logic and straightforwardness.**

Ruvik took his seat at an empty table away from the bulk of the people. So much for treating his misanthropy, he thought. Instead of approaching him Sebastian merely watched.

The majority of patients gave him a wide berth; they seemed to know him, if not through appearance then through notoriety. And if anyone got too close he glared at them until they felt too uncomfortable to stay. How classy, Sebastian sighed. Then something whirred past Sebastian’s foot and under the tables; Leslie’s little car with Leslie crawling low right behind it. He was muttering things like ‘no, no, no’ and ‘come back’ before it ran right into Ruvik’s foot.

To Sebastian the room seemed suddenly quiet but everyone else still went about their day. Leslie stopped as Ruvik leaned down and picked up the red car. He turned it over in his hand and looked down at the kneeling doe-eyed Leslie. Leslie said something as he reached out and placed his hand onto Ruvik’s face behind the hood.

“Ah shit,” Sebastian muttered as he tried to make his way to them before a fist fight broke out.

The boy put his hand out for the car innocently and Sebastian half expected Ruvik to throw it, his food, and the harmless Leslie across the room. Leslie spoke. Ruvik then placed the toy in the boy’s hand and went back to his food. Leslie took it and looked sadly at him before walking away towards the day-room.

“Are you alright Leslie?” Sebastian asked before reaching Ruvik.

“Want to play? Come with me. No, he says. Please go away,” Leslie looked over his shoulder. “He hurts. He cries.”

“He let you touch his face?” Sebastian wondered. Why didn’t Ruvik hit him?

“Don’t remember,” Leslie mumbled and wound up his car. “Don’t remember.”

Leslie Withers then walked to the day-room following his car and Sebastian looked back to Ruvik’s table. He finished his food and abandoned the tray. He walked quickly out of the cafeteria back down the hall to his room, his hands in his pockets and his head down.

“How bizarre,” Joseph interrupted his thoughts. “Considering how he was before I expected him to throttle the poor kid.”

When Sebastian thought about it he shouldn’t have been surprised. Ruvik only had a handful of violent episodes for all the years he’d been there. His schedule was ingrained in him over the years making him used to his surroundings. And people rooted in routine do not take kindly to change, which was what Sebastian's appearance had been. A huge disruptive change. He would likely mellow out after a few weeks, if he was lucky. It gave him some hope for the future; with time the violence would lessen. It would disappear. He hoped.

“Later Joseph,” he waved. “I have paperwork to do. And then a therapy session to run.”

Joseph waved goodbye but he was long gone and down the hall. He let out a sigh. Why did he torment himself worrying over Sebastian? It never seemed to get him anywhere. Instead of seeing him as a caring friend he saw him as a pestering nag.  Perhaps he was going about it all wrong.

“Joseph Oda? Your presence is requested in the east infirmary,” announced a nurse.

“Of course,” he nodded and hurried his way there, hoping no one was hurt.

The infirmary was empty except for one person. Tatiana was standing near a sink washing her hand. He scanned the room again but it was just the head nurse.

“Mr. Oda, I’m asking for your healing touch earlier than I expected,” she said over her shoulder. “It seems one of the patients found my hand to be a desirable teething ring.”

She showed him the hand with a vicious bleeding mark and he winced at it. Tatiana hardly spared it a glance.

“I would take care of it on my own but it is my dominant hand, which makes binding it troublesome. If you wouldn’t mind?” she asked.

He shook his head and took a seat on one of the beds, the surface with supplies already pulled out. Tatiana sat next to him, closer than necessary and placed her hand on his leg. Joseph swallowed and lifted it to begin wrapping it with gauze. If he was binding it too tight or not tight enough, he couldn’t tell; She had a poker face like a church gargoyle. The only sign she was even alive was the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed.

"Do you find me attractive Mr. Oda?” Tatiana asked when his eyes wandered twice.

“What?” he choked, almost dropping the gauze. “Is this really appropriate conversation?”

“No, it’s not appropriate,” she concurred but simply didn’t care. “Or is it that you’re attracted to Mr. Castellanos? He is rather muscular…and gruff. I can see the appeal.”

“S-Seb? No way,” he fumbled his words. “He’s my best friend. He’d never, I mean, I’d never. We’re not uh like that.”

“I see,” she smiled. “When you resolve your romantic issues, come see me. I find your nervous demeanor charming.”

“Charming? I mean, what romantic issues? There’s no issue. I mean, why. Why would you think that?” he laughed weakly.

“Mr. Oda,” she interrupted and pointed. “You’ve bandaged our hands together.”

Joseph looked down and they were connected by a line of gauze. He turned beet red as he removed his binding and taped hers down. How could he not have noticed? He tried to mask his embarrassment with laughter but he was deeply troubled. His feelings for Sebastian were a secret he'd been keeping for years and she figured it out easily; they’d only known each other a few days. She looked at him with a knowing stare, as if Tatiana possessed the wisdom of many years.

He'd had an attraction for Sebastian since high school but never realized it until after he married Myra. He couldn't figure out that why he was angry with his friend for getting married when he should have been happy. At first he thought it was envy. Sebastian getting married to this beautiful woman while he himself was still single. Always single. Joseph was the best man, stood by him, studied with him...it wasn't until he was writing his 'best man' speech that it hit him.

And after that he guarded his behavior around Sebastian. Tried to simply be that supportive best friend. He could handle that even though every time the newlyweds kissed his face turned red. Sebastian always joked that public displays of affection made Joseph uncomfortable. It was true but not for the reasons he thought. He wanted to be the one on the receiving end of those kisses, which brought the shameful blush to his face.

Tatiana didn't seem the type to blab so he had to ask.

“How did you know? About Seb, I mean,” he looked up, his face still red, hoping no one else would come in and witness this humiliation. He squeezed at his hands nervously.

“Years of observation,” she told him. “It’s how I know he is unaware of your desires.”

Desires? The word had unspoken implications that made his hands that much more jittery.

“Oh,” he mumbled. “I-I haven’t exactly been forthcoming.”

“Perhaps you should be,” Tatiana inspected the bandaging and then patted his chest. “Adequate. Good luck in your romantic endeavors Mr. Oda.”

“Thank you Ms. Gutierrez,” he told her before she could exit. “For giving me something to think about.”

He waited until she left before standing up and looking at himself in the mirror over the sink. His face was flushed, with excitement and embarrassment. Joseph removed his glasses and rubbed at his eyes before affixing them back in their place. Hopefully rubbing his cheeks would help them return to their normal hue, like he did the night Sebastian had his nightmare. How badly had he wanted to embrace his best friend? Embrace, caress, and kiss him until his nerves calmed. Perhaps go even further. His face was getting warm and red again. This needed to stop. He resolved to talk to Sebastian later when they got home. He'd waited long enough.

*****

Sebastian just finished up his paperwork when he checked the clock. It was time for Jimenez’s scheduled sessions with Ruvik. Now they were his scheduled sessions. Finally, he thought, as he stood from the desk. A chance to unearth more information. This time he would remember to keep his pen on him. It took no time at all to arrive outside the patient’s door.

Knock! Knock!

"Come in," he finally responded.

He entered Ruvik’s room as he was reading in his bed with his back against his pillow and headboard.  The bandages were gone and his hood down. He looked up, gave an annoyed sigh, and rolled to the side so as to show his back and reset his hood. The books were all on their shelves again, the floors were clean, and easel placed right side up. As if he’d never unseated it all.

“What do you want?” he grumbled. “Get out of my quarters.”

“It’s time for your therapy session,” Sebastian took his seat. “Jimenez has put me in charge of your case.”

“Figures,” he sighed but didn’t move.

“I’m impressed that you came to lunch today. And it seems you made a friend,” Sebastian chuckled.

“I did not travel to that abomination you call a cafeteria to impress anyone, least of all you,” Ruvik sneered and then suddenly sat up. “Do you mean that white haired boy? What did he say to you? He’s a liar.”

Ruvik slid off his bed and walked to the other side of his room. He sat down on the ground and held his knees.  Defensive posturing, Sebastian recognized. This was an opportunity to press but not too hard.

“Did Leslie say something to you?” Sebastian asked.

“Leslie? What a ridiculous name,” he grumbled. “Adolescent-minded…freak…”

“What is it he said that bothers you?” Sebastian restated.

“He…he said I didn’t need to cry anymore. Asked if I wanted to play cars with him,” Ruvik growled. “What an imbecile, speaking like that. Talking to me like I’m some lost toddler at a public park. I’m nearing thirty. I’m an unprecedented genius. I never did and never will play with 'toys'.  And I certainly don’t cry.”

“Would it be such a terrible thing if you did?” Sebastian posed.

“Play with toys? Don’t be absurd,” Ruvik growled.

“I meant, cry.”

“I haven’t cried since-” Ruvik cut himself off and stared off into the distance. “In nearly 15 years.”

Ruvik meant his sister, Sebastian realized. She was the root of his psychosis; Sebastian was sure. He had relaxed nearly enough to speak about it without flailing about. If only he wasn't so defensive about it. Now was as good a time as any to pull more of that memory for him to confront. The tactic he'd tried before might work better here, he thought. He wanted to show Ruvik he wasn't alone.

“The last time I cried was a few days ago,” Sebastian told him. “It’s healthy to cry when you’re upset. It can be cathartic.”

“What for? And that question in itself shows how bored I am,” Ruvik added.

“I had a nightmare,” Sebastian sighed. “About my daughter. You’re right, I can’t compare my pain to yours and I shouldn’t try. But seeing you that first day brought up memories I thought I’d forgotten. She was in a hospital bed for three days dying from infections in her burns. I’m sure you know the feeling.”

He did and nodded.

“I find myself thinking of the things she used to do to replace the bad memories; it helps. She loved to blow bubbles and sing lullabies to her dolls. I used to get annoyed when she’d do it in the middle of the night when Myra and I were trying to sleep. I’d have work early and I’d scold her for keeping us up. Feels stupid looking back now.”

Ruvik saw his doctor smile at the memory. Happy memories? He looked towards the easel with lowered lids. He didn’t have many of those but...

“Laura loved to play the piano while I played the violin. And play hide and seek even though we were too old to be playing kids games. She always…” Ruvik gripped his knees. “Laura always had time for me. I thought we’d always be together…I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Ruvik shut down and began rocking back and forth in his corner. Sebastian could tell he was done with this topic. Probably done for the rest of the day.

“I hear her,” Ruvik said. “But never like she used to be. I’m not an simpleton; I know it’s not truly her. It’s my mind replaying her to torment me and make me feel culpable for her death. How dare I survive when she had to die? How dare I try to move on when I should be mourning her forever?”

Sebastian could feel him escalating into another rant. Soon he’d be thrashing about and tearing the place apart. Ruvik stood up and paced frantically. Another bad sign.

“You don’t have to talk about this anymore if you don’t want to,” Sebastian explained, trying to defuse the bomb before it exploded. “Be logical. Use reason. Would the real Laura ever hurt you? The real Laura wanted you to be happy, didn’t she?”

“No, she’d never hurt me. She was my friend. My only friend. I can’t trust anyone else. I can’t love anyone else. I was only happy when I was with Laura,” he ranted to himself.

A step backwards, whoops. Sebastian approached cautiously before speaking to the slowly spiraling Ruvik. He lowered his voice to a calming whisper.

“That’s not true. You can have lots of friends. Leslie can be your friend. I can be your friend. You can trust us if you’ll just give us the chance,” Sebastian stood a foot away and placed a hand on his shoulder. A mistake.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” he yelled and slammed Sebastian into the wall; his body slumped to the ground. “Liars and deceivers! Who could befriend this? Look on this and not recoil in repulsion? The very thought of touching me disgusts nurses and doctors alike!”

Ruvik knelt over Sebastian’s crumpled heap of a body with his hands clasping tight around his throat.

“They all look away, afraid to stare at the monster too long, as if I were contagious. They shiver in terror if they have to look at my skin let alone touch it! I can no longer be loved and thus cannot love in return! I did not ask for this life! And I don’t want what you have to offer!” Ruvik yelled and squeezed.

Sebastian choked something out but it was incoherent. Ruvik released his throat.

“You’re crying,” he coughed and rubbed his neck.

“I’m…” Ruvik touched his scarred face to find it wet with tears.

Tears were pouring down his face but he remained staring at his wet hands. Sebastian saw the confusion in his eyes; he didn’t understand. Ruvik said he didn’t want friends, that he didn’t want anyone but Laura, that no one could want him. But his tears told the truth. He own plight made his sorrow flow over the barriers he'd erected.

Sebastian reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. He tried to get Ruvik to take it but he seemed stunned, a million miles away. Sebastian was still pinned beneath the tall man. He could throw him off if he wanted to but it wasn't necessary. He wasn’t a patient in the middle of a breakdown anymore, he was a man just like him who needed a little understanding and perhaps part of Sebastian's morbid curiosity wanted to know what it was like to touch his face.

Sebastian reached up and patted his cheek with the cloth and his finger grazed the rough skin for a split second. Ruvik awoke immediately and grabbed his wrist with an iron grip. He was ready and willing to break it.

“What are you doing?” Ruvik glared, seemingly back from his trip.

“Drying your tears,” Sebastian explained.

“I can do it myself,” he swore and snatched the kerchief, stood up and walked away.

Sebastian got to his feet and straightened out his clothes. Then checked all his pockets for his affects. And lastly, swept back his hair with a deep breath. That was exciting, he thought. He could do with a little less excitement. And violence.

“Do not touch my face again,” Ruvik grumbled. “I don’t like it.”

“Got it,” Sebastian saluted.

“Why didn’t you…It doesn't matter. Shut up. Go away,” Ruvik crawled into his bed covers and hid underneath them. He was done emotionally, Sebastian could tell; he was resorting to less sophisticated speech.

“Same time tomorrow, Mr. Victoriano,” Sebastian reminded him. “I expect us to get better at this.”

Ruvik stayed hidden underneath his blankets staring at the cloth snatched from Sebastian. It was monogrammed S.C. and wet with his tears. He couldn’t believe it, crying after 15 years.  This kind of thing simply did not happen to him. And the doctor’s face…when he looked down on his face it looked concerned. Where was the fear? The disgust? It was like he couldn’t see the scars. Only a pair of worried eyes stared at him.

Sebastian opened and closed the door behind him leaving Ruvik alone.

Handsome doctor uses overwhelming charm to cure patient of delusions. Terrible headline, Ruvik thought. Though… when they were touching he felt…something. Alive? Afraid? He wasn’t sure. He couldn't classify it and that was something that never happened to him. But something had to cause it, he was certain.

Was it the sound of his gravelly voice? Not sure. Was it his warmth? Maybe. He smelled like coffee and cigarette smoke. But that was a terrible smell, nothing like gardenia perfume or red wine. Ruvik looked down at the handkerchief again and brought it to his face taking a deep breath. Fresh brewed coffee and menthol cigarettes. It stirred something in him, an excitement he thought long since dead.

Maybe he wasn’t so bad; at least not as insufferable as Jimenez. But that was a big maybe. Ruvik could tolerate him and his presence. For now.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

Heading home together again, Joseph thought after the long day. Sebastian was in a good mood. Joseph couldn’t help but notice; there was even a smile on his usually serious face as he drove them to the apartment.  He thought to ask what had him so pleased but it would spoil the moment. He liked just looking.

“Made a breakthrough with Ruvik today,” Sebastian finally said.

“Oh really?” Joseph asked, not so certain he cared anymore. Talking about work had lost its appeal somehow.

“I made him cry,” Sebastian beamed and then swiftly added. “I mean, I was able to get to express emotions he’d thought lost. He had a small episode but recovered quickly. It’s good. I think I’m getting through to Ruvik.”

Always with talking about Ruvik. Ruvik. Ruvik. Ruvik.

“Great,” Joseph sighed looking through the window.

“It is great. With a little help he might leave his room on a regular basis, maybe even attend group therapy sessions,” Sebastian said excitedly. “Do you realize he could end up leaving the facility of his own accord? With regular medication and checkups from a licensed physician he could lead a normal life. Considering his educational background he could write scientific papers or practice psychotherapy himself.”

“Sounds, optimistic,” Joseph said cynically. “He’s been in Beacon for how many years? Honestly, he’s probably not going anywhere.”

Land mine. Suddenly it wasn’t such a nice ride home. The air became thick and Joseph shifted uncomfortably, wishing he’d said nothing. They pulled up to the apartment and he put the car in park for the soon to be awkward confrontation.

“What’s your problem? Is this because I told you to shut it yesterday?” Sebastian furrowed a brow.

“No, I mean, that’s not all of it,” Joseph ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re becoming a little distant. Since we started working there.”

“I’ve always been a reserved person, Joe. And not since Beacon. You know when it started,” Sebastian leveled his eyes at Joseph. “What’s this really about?”

Joseph picked at his scrubs and shifted again. He didn’t want to be here. This was not how he wanted to confess his feelings. It would not end well for either of them. It would destroy the friendship they had. But it was slowly being destroyed already by this patient who had such a common history with Sebastian. More things in common, more to bond over.

Holy shit. Joseph covered his face with one hand. I’m jealous of a patient, he realized. Sebastian would never overstep that line. At least he was fairly sure. Then again, Sebastian hadn’t smiled like that since before the fire. Joseph never even managed to get one from him that was half as bright as when he talked about Ruvik.

“Just worried I suppose,” Joseph adjusted his glasses. “We don’t talk anymore. Feels like you don’t want me around.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Sebastian waved for him to stop. “Are you serious? Because I’ve been a little rude, for which I apologized, and because I’ve been focused on work? Come on, Joe.”

“I uh,” Joe started nervously. “Feel like our friendship is dissolving. You're moving on and leaving me behind. I'm just sort of an afterthought now.”

Sebastian raised his brow in confusion and then concern. Joseph looked down into his lap trying desperately not to break down. This is snowballing out of my control, he thought. He was hoping this conversation would take place inside and after dinner. Perhaps while they sat on the nice , comfortable couch during a movie. Sharing popcorn.

“Joseph, I care about you a lot,” Sebastian’s hand reached across the car to sit on his shoulder. “You're the only friend I had after the fire and without you, I wouldn't be here today. I owe you my life and I would never leave you behind.”

A tender kindness coming from the man he fell in love with. Things seemed a little better already. Sebastian’s warm hand placed on his back, with his undivided attention. This would be the best time to tell him. Joseph just needed to look up into his eyes and simply say it. It wouldn't be hard. People say ‘I’m in love with you’ all the time in movies. Easy.

“You mean it?” he asked instead, insecure about coming right out with it.  He leaned in closer; perhaps they could…

“About caring? Of course,” Sebastian gave a half smile and pat his back.  “What would I do without my wing-man? You're like my brother Joe; I couldn't abandon you.” He then opened the car door and got out.

Like a brother. Joseph's heart sank as he leaned back into his seat. People didn't make out with their brothers. Normal people didn’t, at least. Sebastian went around and opened the passenger door since Joe didn't seem to be moving.

“So cheer up,” Sebastian extended a hand; Joseph took it and was pulled out on his feet. “It's not the end of the world.”

“Yeah, okay,” Joseph managed a weak smile but could already feel himself crumbling. “Think I could borrow the car? I've got a date.”

“Nice. Yeah, here,” Sebastian removed the car key and handed it to him. “Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.”

Joseph tried to smile and nodded. He watched as Sebastian walked into the apartment, looking over his notes as he scaled the steps, unaware of the rejection he felt. God it hurt. To watch him walk away. To know it wasn't going to happen. To feel like Sebastian wouldn't spare their conversation another thought while he himself agonized over it. While he replayed it over and over in his head, thinking that maybe there was a better way to do it. If he’d said something different then maybe the outcome would be...he sighed. Too little, too late.

Joseph got in the car, started it up, and headed for nowhere in particular. He drove down the streets looking for somewhere to park and just think.  Somewhere quiet and secluded. Where no one would see or care if he was crying.  He found a spot in a parking garage and leaned his forehead on the steering wheel, his hands clenched on his knees.

“Fucking...fuck,” he swore as tears emerged; they dropped on his glasses and rolled down in drips. He slammed his fists on the wheel. It seemed so unfair but the worst thing was he knew better. Nothing in life was fair and he wasn't entitled to anything; not even his best friend that he loved more than his career.  And he just lied to that friend to get away from him. He reduced himself to lying. That horrible gut-wrenching feeling wasn’t going away.

“Get over it,” he told himself, his voice cracking. “Yeah, sure.”

Like it would be easy. Like his attraction was a trivial thing. It wasn’t like he’d been in love with him for YEARS.  And what’s worse, he had no one to unburden himself to. Normally that was Sebastian’s job. He took some deep breaths before sitting up straight and removing his glasses. His cleaning cloth was in his breast pocket but he felt something strange when he reached for it. A piece of paper.

“If you need to talk Mr. Oda,” he read. There was a number and a lipstick kiss of a familiar color.

Tatiana Gutierrez.

They hadn't known each other long but perhaps she wouldn't mind him confiding in her. She did leave him her number. He looked at his phone for a moment, contemplating if he should, before slowly typing it in. As it rang he shouldered the phone to clean his glasses. It rang twice before she answered. He cleared his throat, hoping it wasn't too obvious he'd been crying only moments before.

“Ms. Gutierrez? It's Joseph. Uh, Mr. Oda? Right, that's me,” Joseph chuckled pathetically. “Are you busy? Think we could talk? Yeah, it's about...that. At Morrison's? That's on Abraham street right? Sure. See you soon.”

He hung up and pocketed the phone. The best thing he could do was take his mind off of Sebastian. He turned on the car and pulled out of the parking lot. Tatiana seemed like the good listener type. Perhaps she could put his thoughts at ease. Maybe more than his thoughts.

He supposed he had a date after all.

*****

Sebastian spent his whole evening writing a detailed report on the events of the day, including the lunch room interaction and partial meltdown in Ruvik's room. It wasn't until he was done and error checking that he noticed a pattern. He was overly descriptive of Ruvik's appearance, an aspect that mattered little in comparison to behavior.

 **While Ruvik is smaller in stature (weight wise not height) his strength cannot be**  
**underestimated when in the midst of a psychotic episode. With a single gesture  
** **he threw a physician against the wall with little effort.**

He referred to himself as an unknown being but called the patient by name. Not objective, he realized. He backed up to every instance of Ruvik and replaced it with 'the subject'. More than dozen times on a single page. Ruvik wasn't just a patient anymore he was a person he sympathized with. His daughter or wife could have been just like him if they had survived, perhaps that was why he cared so much about him.

It was certainly affecting the way he treated him.

“Joseph was right about transference,” he admitted. “but it's not too bad, all things considered; it could be a hell of a lot worse.”

Ruvik needed all the care and sympathy Sebastian could offer. He could handle a little transference as long as it didn’t get out of control.

He remembered reading an article when they discussed legal issues a semester prior. There was a case of a patient falling in love with her doctor. This was classic transference at work and sometimes, like in that case, it went the other way as well.  They started a sexual relationship which resulted in the doctor losing his license to practice medicine. The woman committed suicide. Not a pretty picture.

He couldn't even imagine that happening with him and Ruvik. The patient hitting on him and making suggestions for what they could do. Ruvik would never lean over, wry smile on his face, and murmur how he'd like to push him against the wall, his teeth grazing on the doctor's ear. That he wanted to stab Sebastian with more than just a pen. Over and over, hot and sweating bodies colliding, until Sebastian submitted to his darkest desires.

“What. The. Fuck,” Sebastian said emphatically dropping his pen. It rolled off the table with a clatter in the deafening silence of the room.

It was a too late to unsee. He'd never thought about anything even remotely close to that before. It wasn't just a fleeting thought. It was a full-fledged and very detailed fantasy, something he hadn't done in years. It must have been a subconscious wish.

Subconscious. The part of the mind that influences decisions without full awareness. Also affects hidden thoughts or desires. Usually appear as illogical or irrational actions but are in command of most choices made without even knowing it. Dictionary definition aside, his mind would not have imagined it if he did not, on some level, desire Ruvik.

And that was easier to accept than he thought.

Ruvik wasn't unattractive. Sure, there were the burn scars but how much did appearance really matter? His most attractive physical quality was his voice. It was deep and resonate, reeking of intelligence but also hate, for himself and everyone else. To imagine it directing, not hateful words, but romantic ones into his ear...Sebastian shivered. A shiver that went down to his very toes.

“Behave yourself,” he warned. “You don't have time for thoughts like that. Case study, internship hours, graduation.”

But what about afterward? Would that be...bad? As long as Ruvik wasn't his patient it wouldn't be a problem would it? The report had been derailed by his line of thinking. He stood from his desk and stretched high to the ceiling before stepping out to the balcony. He lit a cigarette and puffed, contemplating the idea.

Him and Ruvik? Never happen. If he learned anything from the patient's file it was that he cared only about scholarly undertakings. Romance was for optimists and dreamers. Realists simply lacked the interest for whimsical endeavors. And nothing said whimsical like the word ‘love’.

But all this contemplation would be academic if Ruvik was unable to maintain a functioning relationship outside of the hospital. Any kind of relationship. He needed to focus on building support structures for Ruvik. Not envisioning him fucking his brains out in a janitor’s closet. He tried to shrug off the image but to no avail.

“Once it's in there,” he said referencing the subconscious then pinched his eyes shut at the realization of how phallic it sounded. “Time for a shower.”

He could only hope the super hadn't gotten around to fixing the hot water.

*****

The following weeks went by very slowly for everyone involved. That wasn't to say they were bad weeks, just tedious ones. Every other day or so Ruvik would come out of his room for lunch and then leave immediately. He refused to stay long, even when on occasion Leslie sat next to him playing with his toys.  The advances in Ruvik's treatment seemed so small but Sebastian felt it was better than nothing.

Violent episodes were becoming less frequent as Ruvik became used to Sebastian's approach. He responded less with rude comments and became more open about topics he found interesting. Biology. Chemistry. Music. It was funny how he spoke of his love for science being one of exact terms and precise measurements but when he spoke of music it was nearly the opposite. The emotional level sound affected and memories it was capable of evoking; the spiritual beauty of it was beyond the scope of scientific evaluation. He would then become very quiet and no longer wish to speak.

Sebastian avoided touching any part of Ruvik which in turn lowered the instances of his physical outbursts.  The biggest break in the few weeks was one instance where Ruvik voluntarily ruffled the hair on Leslie’s head. It astounded him to see the patient make physical contact with another willingly that wasn’t a punch or shove.

Things seemed to be getting better for Joseph too. Before he was upset and lonely, now he was happy to go to work and wasn't following Sebastian around as much. There were no more talks about feeling left behind or that nonsense, in fact, it seemed Joseph was actively spending more time away from his roommate.

This week Sebastian started sitting at the lunch table with Ruvik. They didn't speak; both parties ate in silence which Ruvik preferred. He was accustomed to Sebastian's gaze from across the room but now to be in close proximity...He wasn't sure how to react. So he simply went to his fallback; ignore everyone.

But it was difficult. Sebastian would read the paper at the table and flip through the sheets looking for sports scores. He'd sometimes leave the crossword out, half finished, and it took everything thing Ruvik had in him to not complete it. And the fact that Sebastian never dotted his 'i's bothered him greatly.

Sometimes he'd flick his eyes up to observe the doctor contemplating the answer to a problem. His tongue would be at the corner of his mouth and then disappear as soon as his eyes lit up with an answer. That was often when Sebastian looked up to see what Ruvik was doing and sometimes caught him staring.

Sebastian asked if he wanted to read the paper and extended it to him. Ruvik would shake his head slightly in disinterest. Sebastian shrugged and went back to the puzzle.

This was the routine for nearly a week and eventually it was the three of them sitting there. Sebastian reading. Leslie playing with toys. Ruvik eating quietly. It became customary.

One day Leslie approached and sat down with a smile. He flew a plastic crow around Sebastian's plate and pretended to eat from it. He cawed and flapped over to the opposing plate and pecked at the corn on it. Ruvik sighed and handed the sugar cookie on his tray to Leslie, making the boy squeal with joy. He ran off with it and ate it with another group.

“Don’t get your hopes up, Doctor. I don't care. It just keeps him from sticking around,” Ruvik explained when Sebastian smiled at him.

“Or it keeps him coming back,” Sebastian countered. “How did you sleep?”

“I thought therapy was reserved for my quarters, Doctor,” Ruvik grumbled, poking at his food.

“It’s not therapy. Just asking,” Sebastian assured him. “If the medication you're taking isn't helping I can ask Jimenez to prescribe something stronger.”

“Stronger medication means stronger side effects. No, thank you,” Ruvik looked away from the tray.

“Nausea? Or restlessness?” Sebastian asked as he pulled his notebook.

“My hands are too shaky to paint. And headaches are getting worse...” Ruvik told him. “I still can't sleep for long. Dreams are…well, troublesome.”

Ruvik could not tell him what made the dreams so troublesome. He could handle his usual, though not without tossing and turning. The most recent dreams were extremely physical and of a sexual nature; something he believed was for lesser people. He was above that. Ruvik certainly was not going to talk about them; not in therapy and definitely not at lunch. And not with the subject of his dreams.

Sebastian wrote down each of the complaints for Jimenez. Perhaps the medication was losing its effectiveness but maintaining the side effects. He wondered if any homeopathic remedies accompanying his daily medication might help. The lack of exercise Ruvik got might be affecting his sleep as well. He'd make a report for the head doctor.

“I'll see what I can do,” Sebastian nodded.

“Hmph,” Ruvik huffed, looking away. A few more bites and he'd be finished. “What is it you do after lunch?”

“If you really want to know, I attend the group therapy session in west wing, since the east wing group meets in the morning. Take notes. Encourage discussion between patients. Make recommendations to Jimenez. Why? Are you interested in attending?” Sebastian asked, unable to contain the hope in his voice.

“No, of course not,” Ruvik looked down at his remaining food.  “I was simply curious.”

Curious was a good sign. Showing interest in others beyond himself was definitely good. Leslie came by once more, telling them 'good lunch' and 'bye, tomorrow', before heading to the day-room. Sebastian gave Leslie an inspiring smile with his goodbye, that Ruvik found himself staring far too long at. The good doctor took a gulp of black coffee before bringing his attention back to the table.

“You want some coffee?” Sebastian asked tilting his cup toward him.

“I can't sleep at night, what makes you think caffeine is a good idea?” Ruvik said with a flat voice. “I thought you more intelligent than this...”

“It's lunch, not right before bed. And a sip shouldn't be bad for you,” Sebastian told him. “I'm leaving it here if you want it. See you at two, Mr. Victoriano.”

Sebastian left the table and along his way toward the door he stopped by a few different patients and asked them how they were feeling. Ruvik had always thought the nice guy routine was something he only displayed to him, a way to trick him into speaking, but Sebastian really was an all-around good person; ignoring the occasional hardheaded comment.

Ruvik lifted the coffee and peered inside; no cream and no sugar so it looked like dirty water. It seemed the doctor liked things without additives, even if it made the drink look unappetizing as hell. Sebastian didn't even add salt or pepper to the food there. The cup made its way to Ruvik's lips, and he sipped it like tea.

It was harshly bitter, so much so that Ruvik grimaced upon the first sip. How could that man drink such a caustic beverage? It could peel the lining off his stomach. The smell wasn't so terrible; it was warming with a faint hint of nutmeg. He breathed in the smell deeply; almost the same smell as the handkerchief. It was missing the hint of cigarettes thankfully. He fancied that it was what Sebastian's lips tasted like.

Ruvik drank the rest slowly and quietly, long after he finished his food.

*****  

“Let's begin today's group talk,” Jimenez began. “How are you feeling today, Janet?”

Sebastian felt no need to check his notebook any longer. Janet the young woman who walked an imaginary dog nearly everywhere, even now she held it while petting its head. She was delusional but not violent.

Next came Samuel, an older patient with an eating disorder; he wanted to eat objects instead of food. He was heavily watched by nurses as he was known to eat utensils, pieces of shoes, paper. Practically anything that wasn't nailed down or edible. His therapy was going well and he would be leaving soon.

Ethan was suicidal and there for his safety at the behest of his parents. He suffered a tragedy with his girlfriend; they had a pact and she succeeded where he failed. So sad.

And then there was Ruvik.

“What the?” Sebastian sat up, immediately alert. Ruvik was looking in the window of the door for a moment before running off.

He couldn’t leave in the middle of the session; routine was important to the patients there. Walking out would upset that system. But…Ruvik’s face as it peered in. Somber eyes under a white hood, as he looked at the group of people talking. There was a longing in those eyes.

“He wants to be in here,” Sebastian concluded in a barely audible whisper. He pulled out his notes and scribbled furiously.

**He can’t admit it. Why? Is he afraid of being viewed as weak? Or as a**   
**betrayal to Laura? Or afraid of not being accepted…likely a combination**   
**of all of three.**

Sebastian counted the seconds as the session came to a close. It was like the hands were moving backwards to prolong the discussion. All he wanted was to leave and book it down the hall to catch Ruvik, who was long gone and in his room. Alone.

“Dismissed everyone,” Jimenez smiled. “We’ll meet again tomorrow.”

Sebastian waited, tapping his foot furiously. It looked like he needed to take a wicked piss. Finally the last one left the room. He stood, excused himself to Jimenez and took off down the hall in long steps. It was half past one, too early for their session but he simply couldn’t wait. The door was closed as usual and he thought to simply open it but realized how rude that would be.

Knock, Knock.

“I wish to be left in peace,” Ruvik said calmly. “So if you wouldn’t mind; stay the hell out.”

“I don’t have to knock, you know,” Sebastian informed him. “It’s just common courtesy. As long as you reside here any employee can enter your room to check on your well-being or for contraband if they suspect an issue.”

There was a rustling in the room and then silence.

“Enter, if you must,” Ruvik said, muffled.

On the bed was a bundle of blankets and sheets making a cocoon with a Ruvik center.  Creating physical barriers to avoid talking? The strips of bandage he wrapped his face with were in a messy pile on the ground. Sebastian picked them up and began rolling them up neat.

“You’re being childish again,” Sebastian reminded him. “Folding yourself up in bed won’t make your problems go away.”

“And talking about them will? Ridiculous,” Ruvik mumbled.

The bandages were wet in places as he wrapped.

“Have you been crying?” Sebastian took a seat in the chair next to the bed.

“I stubbed my toe on the easel,” Ruvik shifted and poked a foot out to prove it. It had some nasty scrapes on top of the scar tissue. It was also starting to turn purple. “If that’s all…”

“It looks like you’ve been kicking a wall; with your bare feet,” Sebastian inspected the foot, touching it to turn it over. Ruvik pulled it in suddenly, hiding it beneath folds of fabric. “Sorry, I forgot. No touching. But you should get it looked at; it’s swollen.”

“Like you actually care,” Ruvik grumbled. “I’m just an interesting experiment for you, a class project to impress your peers.”

“What?” Sebastian started to object. Where was this coming from?

"I heard from the nurses. I did not realize you were just an intern," Ruvik commented with a tinge of anger.

"And this makes you angry? Why is that?" Sebastian asked.  

“I’m not angry, in fact, I completely understand, better than most. Profiting off the misfortunes of others is not exclusive to you. You are not the only one who’s used people for their own ends.  I did similar things with animals when I was younger and then when I was finished, I discarded them; like I’m sure you will do as well,” Ruvik explained.

It sounded so rational, as if Ruvik actually did approve of such things. Sebastian would have believed his nonsense if not for the catch in Ruvik’s voice. If not for the curling up smaller and smaller throughout the conversation. He didn’t want any of those things to be true. Sebastian took a seat on the stool.

“So leave, the sooner the better,” Ruvik said callously. “Then we can all return to the way things used to be before you ever arrived at this pathetic institution. I’m growing tired of dealing with you when I know you’re just going to leave.”

Sebastian blinked in realization. Ruvik was angry that Sebastian’s stay there was only temporary. He wasn’t looking at the group with sadness. He was looking at the intern. At Sebastian. He just didn’t want to admit that he enjoyed their time together.  He’d rather mask his disappointment with anger then admit to something like that.

It was never about being a case study, or experiment like Ruvik stated. It was about being abandoned. Again. And even if Sebastian pushed it Ruvik would thrash in denial; it certainly wouldn’t help his situation. It would simply be better to play along to ease his agitation.

“For a genius you’re kinda dumb,” Sebastian leaned back in his chair.

“Excuse me,” Ruvik shifted under the blanket. “What did you _just_ say?”

“Of course I’m benefiting from you. No one would subject themselves to your bad attitude, classy insults, and tantrums if they weren’t getting something out of it,” Sebastian commented. “But if all I wanted was an easy grade, I’d just choose a patient that wasn’t as much of a pain in the ass as you. Like Leslie. And if I wanted prestige, I’d go to a much larger hospital with star doctors in it, not this dinky out-of-the-way facility. Conclusions, Mr. Victoriano?”

The patient remained quiet as he contemplated his words. What was the intern getting out of it? He enjoyed it. Sebastian wanted to be there. Did that mean he wouldn’t simply leave once he’d gotten what he wanted? That perhaps he’d stay…

“I just assumed…” Ruvik started.

“You assume that everyone is the same; selfish bastards that don’t give one shit about anyone but themselves. Well, that’s not me,” Sebastian stood up. He looked over the spines of the books on the shelves. “I like being here, helping you, and I’m not going anywhere any time soon. So stop kicking the walls because you think I’m exploiting you. There are better outlets.”

“Outlets?” Ruvik began unfurling himself from the blankets. Once he was unearthed he quickly covered his face with his hood.

“Exercise,” Sebastian turned and smiled at him. “I’m putting together a regimen for you, and submitting it to Jimenez. Let me show you.”

The doctor took a seat back by the bed and Ruvik warily leaned over to read the paper. It was a detailed report that said Ruvik’s trouble sleeping could be connected to a lack of proper exercise. It was requesting time in the courtyard after dark to avoid harsh sunlight and foot traffic that might make Ruvik uncomfortable. The first weeks would be walking; the next would incorporate intermittent jogging during the walk. They would see where to take it from there.

This was expected to help Ruvik’s sleep issues as well as being an outlet for his emotions. Sebastian looked confident and explained how it would help, pointing at each point in the report. They would wean him off of his current sleep medication as well. Ruvik’s cynicism wanted to shoot down this idea, mostly because it wasn’t his own. But the hope on Sebastian’s scruffy face was contagious.

“You’re smiling,” Sebastian stared in shock.

“No, you are mistaken,” Ruvik responded with a frown.

“Well, you were. I mean, like the tiniest smile to have ever existed but it was there. You think it’s a great idea. Admit it,” Sebastian shoved Ruvik’s shoulder with his own. “Sorry, the touching thing…it’s a reflex...and it was, unprofessional.”

He didn’t mind the touching this time and it was only the latest on a long list of unprofessional things that should have gotten him fired. But Ruvik wasn’t going to cause trouble for him; he liked Sebastian better than the last one. He had to admit Sebastian was far less stressful to be around than Jimenez. And that blind optimism reminded him of Laura; it was nice to be around it again.

“It’s fine,” Ruvik inched away. “The exercise program seems like a viable alternative to drugs.”

“Good to have your approval, Mr. Victoriano,” Sebastian mocked and put out a hand to shake to which the patient stared with hesitation. “Oh come on, you shook it before.”

“To purposely unnerve you, so I could have a legitimate reason to hate you,” Ruvik confessed, staring at the large hand of Sebastian Castellanos. It somehow seemed more intimidating than before. Larger.

“I’ll admit you caught me off-guard the first time,” Sebastian looked guiltily to the floor but then he looked up. “But you can’t scare me again.”

Sebastian gestured again, putting the hand out to shake. Ruvik reached out with his scarred fingers and gripped Sebastian’s, looking closely at his eyes, watching for signs of flinching or insincerity. There were none. But those eyes…

“There something on my face?” Sebastian asked. “You keep staring.”

Ruvik hesitated and took his hand back.

“Yes, a fleck of cigarette ash,” he lied and looked away. “Near your eye.”

Sebastian rubbed his face and made a questioning glance at Ruvik. He nodded to tell him it was gone. He then reburied himself in blankets and asked Sebastian to leave again. The good doctor did so but reminded Ruvik that next week they would begin his new schedule. He then closed the door gently, leaving the patient to his thoughts.

And what tumultuous thoughts they were.

Why was he so damned handsome with his rugged face and perfect smile and those soulful eyes? Damn those beautiful, caring eyes. And they were looking at him. Ruvik knew a specimen when he saw one and Sebastian was a strapping subject. God in heaven, what kind of face was Ruvik making while staring?

He groaned in embarrassment and rolled around in the sheets. Scolding himself for being weak.

“What in the actual hell is wrong with me,” he said aloud.  “Laura, what do I do?”

He never wanted this. Ruvik had resigned himself to spending the rest of his life alone in that room. Prepared to pass the long hours painting and hating everyone. He would enjoy the occasional redecorating of his room with the items of his lunch tray. Break a chair every year or so. Scream in nightmarish fury at the monsters crawling out from under his bed and lashing at demons only visible to him. Nothing would change and life would always be horrible; and that was fine with him.

No one to care about; not even himself.

And now hope.

And he hated it. It seemed like a cruel joke set upon him by God. Or a trap beckoning him forward until he fell through a hole leading to a pit of hot coals.

_//Yes, Ruvik. Come out of that shell. It will be wonderful to love again, won’t it? And to be loved.  
To feel something that isn’t anger. Or sadness.//_

“Lies,” Ruvik whispered, covering his ears. Laura could be so cruel.

_//Of course they’re lies. But you want to believe don’t you Ruvik? And nothing causes greater pain than dashed hope.  
Oh try it, won’t you? Either way you choose you cannot win. You will suffer for what you’ve done.//_

“Laura, please,” Ruvik whispered.  “I tried…I tried to help you. I couldn't reach...I was too small then.”

_//You’re a failure as my brother. And as a human being. Burn in the fires of this world and the next.//_

Ruvik curled up as tight as he could, covering his ears from the voices that never ceased, and holding back from screaming. He hated when she got this way and worse was he couldn’t argue with her; he could never raise his voice in anger to his beloved Laura. Never her.

“I am so sorry,” he whimpered. “So sorry.”


	5. Chapter 5

The following week Sebastian couldn’t wait to implement the new plan for Ruvik. To say he was optimistic would be underselling it. He beamed at anyone and everyone making more than a few nurses blush. He could light train tunnels with his smile. Tatiana was the first to comment when he stopped by for the clipboard.

“You seem well, Dr. Castellanos. A jump in your step?” Tatiana gave a light smile of her own.

“Today is Ruvik’s first exercise date,” he started. “I meant, night.”

“I noticed that his sleep medication has been changed to a lower dosage,” she flipped through the paperwork. “Daring. I hope your efforts will be fruitful. Also-”

“Tatiana, have you seen my…glasses?” Joseph came out of the adjoining room re-tying his tie and realizing the company turned red. The nurse pulled the specs from her pocket and reached behind her over her shoulder to hand it to him. There was a small lipstick stain on it that someone attempted to scrub clean. So that was what had Joseph in such a good mood.

Sebastian coughed before saying hello, “Joe, how’s your shift?”

“Great,” he said, awkwardly cleaning the stain off the lens. “How’s your case study? Good?”

“Yeah, uh, Ms. Gutierrez can tell you about it,” Sebastian nodded at her and took the clipboard. “I’ll see you later?”

“Uh tomorrow, I’m staying late tonight,” he said and turned an even deeper shade of red.

Sebastian wanted to laugh a little. Joe’s attempt at subtlety failed miserably; something was going down later that night but it was the last thing he’d say out loud. Yet it couldn’t be more obvious as he was red as a Maine lobster. The woman  showed little to no shame. Perhaps with time he’d adjust. Tatiana clicked her computer keys to show her disinterest in discussing their fraternization.

“Sure,” Sebastian thumbed up.

Ruvik did not attend the group session as per usual but Sebastian always had hope. Perhaps one day it would change. One day he’d come and sit there, quietly brooding but saying nothing. He’d never expect Ruvik to talk to strangers; just seeing him join them would show promise.

In the lunchroom Leslie approached Sebastian with sad disappointment in his eyes. Ruvik didn’t come to lunch that day. The childlike man had grown attached to Ruvik and when he did not arrive pouting became the main event.

“Not here, not here…” he said, cradling a cup of coffee.

“Sorry, Leslie. I guess Ruvik doesn’t want to come today,” Sebastian concluded as he checked his watch.  Lunch would be over in about ten more minutes. “Is that for me?”

Leslie nodded and handed the cup to Sebastian. Black coffee was his favorite.

“Share,” Leslie said. “Sharing is caring. Sharing.”

“With Ruvik?” Sebastian asked after a long sip. The boy nodded. “Well, alright. I’ll tell him you sent it.”

Leslie smiled and went to the common room to play with his beloved blocks. Building high and slowly breaking down. Sometimes Sebastian envied how simple Leslie’s life was. Everything was uncomplicated. If he wanted to play, he played. Sleep resulted in sleep. No worries beyond weather being cold or not getting a cookie at lunch. No bills, work, or relationship issues. Only child concerns.

“Ignorance is bliss, I suppose,” he sipped and walked out to check on Ruvik.

Sebastian knocked on the door and received no response. He tried once again and announced himself before entering. Ruvik was curled up in his bed, the lamp on and his record player sending out calm piano tunes. Upon approaching closer Sebastian saw that he’d fallen asleep.

His hands were loosely clasped around his ears; his face was tense with a furrowed brow. A worried brow. According to his chart he hadn’t come out to eat for a few days. He accepted the breakfast brought to his room but skipped lunch and dinner entirely. It was not healthy but lack of appetite usually couldn’t be helped. It was often a sign of something deeper.

Sebastian reached out but stopped himself from touching his shoulder. Perhaps it was better to let him sleep. Instead he took a seat and perused his notebook, occasionally sipping the coffee. Sebastian had nowhere to be until their typical session at two; he didn’t have to attend every group session. When the record reached the end he heard a person speak.

“How was that Ruben? Did you like it?” said a lilting happy voice.

“Play it again Laura,” said a young boy.

“Again? I’ve played it a dozen times now,” she laughed.

“Please?” he begged.

“Oh alright, but only once more,” she relented with a giggle. “Stop recording Ruben or it’ll take up space on the vinyl.”

Then it ended, skipping to show it was done. Sebastian looked to Ruvik, who was not stirring.

He stood up and restarted the needle playing the soothing and safe song again. Ruvik likely loved it for more reasons than that. The only record of a time before the fire. He continued to reset it each time it ended and wrote in his notebook while it played. Nearly an hour of piano music that ended in a plea for more from the child Ruben.

Was Ruben still in there? Or was he forever changed, altered by that day?

Surely it couldn’t all be lost.

Sebastian made a few notes before letting out a long yawn. The day was going by quickly as it was time for their therapy session but he didn’t have the heart to wake him. How often did Ruvik get decent sleep?

Sebastian hadn’t been sleeping much himself. Stress from his studies kept him awake; among other things. Concern over his student loans kept him smoking half a pack a day. If he could light one now he would. He just needed a break away from everyone and everything. A vacation, that would be nice. Exhaustion was starting to take its toll; a quick nap wouldn’t hurt anything. His eyes slowly closed to the sound of Clair de Lune.

*****

“Play it again Laura,” it repeated.

Ruvik opened his eyes but then lidded them as her voice rung out. Laura.

“Again? I’ve played it a dozen times now.”

“Please?” Ruvik whispered with an aching crack in his voice in unison with his younger self.  He managed a pained smile as her recording relented and ended, so he sat up to play it again.

The patient froze with the realization he was not alone. A cup of coffee sat, half-empty, on the side table. The intruder was slouched over in the chair; a pen and pad precariously close to falling out of his grasp. He had a slight snore from his awkward sleeping position but otherwise the room was quiet.

What was he doing there?

Ruvik wanted to be angry at this blatant invasion of privacy but a different feeling pushed his usual rage aside. Curiosity. Interest. A chance to observe the man without being studied himself. He swung his legs over the bed and reached for the cup of coffee. It was lukewarm and black. He did a quick take to check on the state of the unconscious interloper before sipping it. Better every time, he thought with a smirk and then wiped the look from his face.

He slipped the pen and pad from the doctor’s fingers without disturbing him. Then he flipped open the inside cover. Please return to Sebastian Castellanos at-Ruvik flipped forward and read his notes.

_**Ruben. Tall thin male. Late twenties. Perceptive. Defensive reaction.** _

He turned a couple more pages.

_**Against his extreme misanthropy he has decided to be around other  
people at my suggestion.** _

Ruvik rolled his eyes and flipped to the most recent notes.

 **While the physical injuries have long since healed there is a part of  
him that still ** **has an open wound. It's my theory that his inability to  
let go of his sister’s death is preventing this final wound from healing.**

He read closer.

 _**It keeps him from moving on. It's painful for him to endure and for  
me to see. At **_ __ **least he’s sleeping now; his record permits him rest but  
does not allow him to let ** **go of the past. A double edge sword and he’s  
falling on it. He needs help.**

Ruvik furrowed his brow. It couldn’t be true.

_**He can be saved.  The question is whether or not he’ll be willing to  
accept help. And from me. I can save him if he’ll just let me in.** _

He snapped it closed, and dropped it off the bed before he looked to Sebastian, his face a hue of pink. Still asleep.

Let him in? Ruvik shook his head in refusal. No one could come in. No matter how handsome or caring. How dare he presume to know him? He took a deep breath to calm himself and looked at Sebastian.

Foolish man. It was most unwise of him to fall asleep in a violent patient’s room. Not only that but he provided him with the same weapon as before, not that he needed one. Choking him would be just as easy and much more satisfying. Didn’t he know Ruvik could end him? Sebastian truly wasn’t afraid of him. Or simply trusted him.

“Dangerous thing to trust a monster with, Doctor Castellanos,” Ruvik mumbled. “Sebastian Castellanos…What did that simpering male nurse call you...”

Ruvik approached quietly, his face nearing the unaware sleeper studying his face with intense scrutiny. Creases near his eyes; crow’s feet. He used to laugh a lot. And he had the beginnings of worry lines. If it weren’t for the fire Ruvik would have worry lines on his forehead by now.  Ruvik scoffed. He’d have much more than that though, when he thought about it. A normal life. An above average job. With an extravagant home. And perhaps a lover…

“Seb,” he whispered when he remembered. “The things I’ve done and you want to help me? Save me?”

What to do with this positive little sunbeam? He could punch him right now; that would be fun. Or kick the chair from under him. Or maybe enact some of those things he’d been dreaming about. Hot and sweaty dreams with pressing lips and entangled limbs.

He licked at his lips in nervousness. Could he though? While he slept there unknowing? He’d done worse things and never regretted them. Then what was this hesitation? This fear?

Sebastian breathed in slowly and then out. It smelled faintly of coffee and cigarettes. To taste them from his mouth instead of that insipid coffee mug. His skin feeling the scratchy stubble of the doctor’s chin. Not needing layers of clothes to stay warm as they... Ruvik swallowed and bit at his bottom lip while the record player skipped, echoing in the deafening silence.

Just because he was a corrupted piece of shit…no, he couldn’t do that to him. He was the one good thing in the entire hospital. He had no right to destroy that.

He sat back with a deep breath, guilt hanging heavy in his stomach.  It was a familiar feeling but it wasn’t directed at his past for once. The feeling was directed at this man that he cared for. God he cared. He cared about the things he did, the things he said or didn’t say to him. What made him so special? Who did he think he was coming into his life like this? To give him hopes for a change? Ruvik was unraveling into despair and loathing.

“Why even bother?” Ruvik scolded himself quietly. “Hope is for pathetic optimists…” he whispered with sad longing.

Ruvik took one more long sip from the cup, desiring the taste that could be Sebastian, before splashing the rest into his intruder’s face, waking him with a start.

“What the hell are you doing in my quarters? I did not let you in…” Ruvik growled at the wall, miserably. It wasn’t what he wanted but it was for the best, he thought. And no less than he deserved.

“It was time for your session but you were out like a light,” Sebastian suddenly remembered why he was there. He pulled a new handkerchief from a pocket and wiped his face of the coffee remnants. “It was the most peaceful I’d seen you. Seemed like a waste to wake you up.”

“So you decided to watch me sleep? Yes, that sounds professional,” Ruvik scowled at him but turned a shade pinker under his hood.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t throw coffee in my face. The coffee I left half full so you could have some, Leslie sent it with me,” Sebastian remarked as he dabbed away the last of the beverage; it would stain his coat and tie.

“As if I would ever drink after you,” Ruvik stood up and turned off his record.  “I hate black coffee. It’s disgusting, and bitter.”

“How’d you know it was black?” Sebastian asked with suspicious tone.

“I…didn’t,” Ruvik stumbled. “Just conjecture…”

“A guess? Ruvik Victoriano, guessing?” Sebastian wondered, a smile approaching. “Really? I mean, it’s so dark in here; how could you tell unless you tasted it?”

Ruvik was turning red and abruptly spun away as to not face that stupidly handsome smile.

“No need to get angry. You know that there’s nothing wrong with admitting you like something, right? Especially, if it’s something as silly as coffee,” Sebastian chuckled, picking up his pad and pen from the floor. “You’re allowed to like things. You’re only human.”

Only human. It resonated in his mind. Never had Ruvik ever felt that way, at least not in a long time.

“Human, huh?” Ruvik mumbled. “If you think so.”

“I know so,” Sebastian told him. “Though sometimes we all need reminders.”

Ruvik’s shoulders seemed to relax. He wondered how often Ruvik played the monster simply because he looked the part. He looked physically monstrous by the cruelty of fate. And inwardly monstrous through his guilt and self-loathing.

All that animosity bubbling inside until it exploded, singing everyone within range, burning them with spite and anger until their own minds were poisoned against him. Which in turn fueled the feelings of hate, paranoia, and persecution. And the cycle would never end without some kind of break in the loop.

Sebastian could be that break; he could do it.

“See you tonight,” Sebastian commented as he stood.

“Tonight?” Ruvik asked, but then remembered. “Right…we shall see.”

“Well, I’m looking forward to it,” he told him. “Beating you in a little powerwalk race will be fun.”

Ruvik smirked, “I seriously doubt it; black lung.”

“You’re resorting to name-calling now?” he laughed. “Bet I can beat you in a mile walk. And when I do you come to therapy once a week.”

“What makes you believe I would agree to such a proposal?” Ruvik objected, sitting down at his easel, preparing his paints on a palette.

“Because you get to make a winning demand too. Anything you want,” Sebastian informed him but added on. “Within reason of course.”

Want? He wanted a great many things. A month ago he would have asked for solitude. All of his meals made by an actual chef and delivered. So that he wouldn’t have to speak to or see anyone. Or have his books from home that his father kept from him. But at the moment his mouth ran dry. Sebastian was looking expectantly at him for an answer, a small grin on his face. Anything? Surely he didn’t mean just anything.

“Think about it,” Sebastian told him when a reply wasn’t forthcoming.. “And I’ll see you in the courtyard in…four hours.”

Ruvik watched him go and only moved after he could no longer hear the doctor-to-be’s heavy steps. He walked to the blackout curtains, the first change to his room when he arrived years ago. He slid a finger behind the thick fabric to look at the courtyard far from his window and was nearly blinded by the sun. Through squinting eyes he saw the small track with a few patients walking around. Some were sitting in the grass, under trees. Others were gardening as part of their therapy.

But later it would be dark. And all the patients would be inside readying for bed. And Sebastian would be hanging out under a tree, smoking a cigarette, waiting for Ruvik to show.

And if he did show up, what then? They’d walk. Perhaps talk. Their hands a hair’s breadth away from each other; utterly alone. Sebastian designed it to be that way for Ruvik, so that he might be more comfortable. It was risky though. Less people meant less nurses. Which in turn meant less people to administer drugs to him if he lost it again. The risk hardly felt worth it; Ruvik wasn’t worth it.

_**He can be saved.** _

_**I can save him if he’ll just let me in.** _

Ruvik swallowed and let the curtain go. He supposed going wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It wasn’t like he had better things to do. It might even be…fun.

Ruvik whispered to the empty room, “What does that even feel like anymore?”

*****

Sebastian stood by the outside door, checking his watch for the third time, an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips. It was cooler than he expected but things would warm up as soon as they got moving. As soon as Ruvik showed up.

This felt like the time he waited for Myra outside the theatre for that musical, the one with the rival gangs. He was beginning to feel stood up. He almost left but decided to stick it out even when it started to rain on him. Turned out she got rear-ended on her way there. She tried to call him to reschedule but his phone was already turned off. She called a cab and instead of going home she went to the theatre. He looked stressed beyond belief and she had a sprained wrist.

They missed the first twenty minutes of the show but always had a ridiculous story about their first date. No matter how frustrating things got between them, they could always laugh about the cold that lasted a week from standing in the rain. Just remembering made Sebastian smile as he lit the cigarette with a puff.

“I thought you’d give up and leave,” Ruvik said startling him, the smoking cigarette falling from its perch. Sebastian caught it in his hands but not without a small singe mark, making Ruvik flinch at the sight.

“You’re really quiet,” Sebastian commented, shaking his burned finger, though it didn’t stop him from smoking. “Took you long enough.”

Ruvik stared at the little section of burned skin and remembered the pain from before. His whole body racked with agony as the lesser burns healed painfully. How ironic that the worst burns hurt the least; all the nerves incinerated leaving nothing but horrid scars. At least that little cigarette burn would only hurt for a couple days.

“I wasn’t certain if I was coming…” Ruvik told him looking down. The trash can ashtray had three menthols in it; the only matching butts in the tray.

Ruvik scanned the courtyard; the view was different from the outside. The trees were much larger than he thought and the track as well. It had to be at most a quarter mile track. And it was brisk, making him glad to have grabbed an extra t-shirt to layer underneath. The sooner they were done the better; he didn’t like the exposed feeling he got from being outside without four walls and a roof over his head.

“When do we start?” Ruvik shivered.

“As soon as I finish,” Sebastian waved his cigarette, only a quarter done.

Impatient, Ruvik reached over, their fingers touching for a moment before plucking it from Sebastian’s hand. He then deftly put it out in the tray next to the rest of his butts. Sebastian watched dumbstruck by the entire interaction. Ruvik then put his hand back in his hoodie pocket.

“You’re finished,” Ruvik informed him.

“I suppose I am,” Sebastian concluded, not even mad about the wasted stick. “Alright, let’s go.”

It was harder than he thought. Walking should be easy, Ruvik said to himself. It was incredible how much work it actually was.

The first lap wasn’t so bad; in fact he was ahead during that lap. He didn’t speak but once or twice he looked behind him with a smirk. And Sebastian just shook his head, as if he knew something Ruvik did not.

Then the second lap happened. It was bearable but Ruvik was starting to feel warm; warmer than he’d felt in years. And Sebastian was catching up to him. He tried going faster but it just exhausted him instead.

The third was horrible. It was tiring him out and he was struggling to keep up with the physician. And he still had another lap to go. How did that smokestack of a doctor have an easier time of it? It burned him up; literally and figuratively. Ruvik pulled his hood down to cool off, suddenly not giving a shit who saw his face.

“Not that easy, is it?” Seb chuckled, slowing down slightly.

“Shut up,” Ruvik panted, a weak glare directed at the smiling man.

“Want to take a break?” he asked, a little sweat glistening on his brow.

“No,” Ruvik panted back, sensing weakness. “I will…destroy you,” he threatened but it lacked his usual bite.

“Challenge accepted,” Sebastian smirked and sped up only slightly.

Ruvik attempted to keep pace with him, to keep the gap from getting larger, but as the fourth lap dragged on he fell further behind. He would not be winning this bout which was fine as he hadn’t decided on a victory demand anyway. He hated losing but at least the only one to see this defeat was Sebastian; he wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.

He looked ahead to see the victor at the finish, waiting for him but not without taking his own breaths and wiping his forehead with his coat sleeve. The walk was not so easy for him either but since he walked often during the day it was little wonder he won. It was his unhealthy habits that had him panting like a dog in summer. At least it was a close one; Ruvik would take his victories where he could get them.

“You lose,” Sebastian exhaled once Ruvik arrived. He seemed relieved to be done as well.

“Your attempt could hardly be called a victory,” Ruvik responded, nodding his head at Sebastian’s bent over posture. “And the difference was only by a minute; perhaps less...”

“What a sore loser,” Sebastian laughed and fumbled through his pockets.

"You are thinking of smoking? Right now? After that tortuous walk?" Ruvik asked incredulously.

He extended a small bottle of water to Ruvik. He delayed a moment in taking it, as if accepting it would solidify his defeat. But God he was thirsty. His pride would have to take the hit. So he took it without a word, unscrewed the top, and drank in slow sips. Sebastian was already sitting on the bench, resting his legs.

Not a bad idea. Ruvik joined him but was forced to sit close; Sebastian was sitting directly in the middle of the seat leaving little room. They quietly replenished their fluids with a sigh between drinks.

“You know I was only kidding about group therapy, right?” Sebastian chugged the rest of his water. “I just wanted to motivate you. I’d never force you to-”

“I know,” Ruvik interrupted. He leaned back and took another sip. “You’re not that kind of person.”

The night was cooling them off but not nearly fast enough. Ruvik felt incredibly warm. Perhaps he wore too many layers after all. He didn’t want to remove the sweatshirt and expose his scars but he also didn’t want to pass out. It came down to what he’d rather cater to; his body or his emotions.

It was just one person. Grow up, he told himself.

Ruvik pulled the sweatshirt off and immediately heat dissipated from his body. It felt refreshing; good. Not too hot and not too cold. The double layer of t-shirts was just enough even though it exposed all the scarring down his arm and neck. Without looking he could already feel the only pair of eyes in the vicinity on him, documenting each mark.

“Would you mind not staring so intently,” Ruvik mumbled. “I’m uncomfortable enough being out of my element without you staring at me like some hideous sideshow freak.”

Sebastian was taken aback. “I wasn’t. I mean, I was staring but not because you’re a freak or anything; cause you’re not.”

“Spare me. Then what are you looking at?” Ruvik growled, looking down at his maimed hands. "I don't need or want your pity."

“I was just thinking to myself. Curious about something,” Sebastian tried to clarify.

“What?” Ruvik’s patience was wearing thin.

“Do they still hurt?” Sebastian asked.

Ruvik faltered at the question and looked to Sebastian to determine his sincerity. No one really asked that question of him. Not since he left the hospital. Sebastian was genuinely interested, or was that concern splashed across his face? Worried about him?

Of course they hurt but not in a way he could explain. It was the memory of what happened that hurt. When someone or something touched him it wasn’t pain he was feeling, just the memory of pain. All in his head.

“No,” Ruvik swallowed, looking away.

“You don’t have to lie,” Sebastian spoke softly. “No one is out here but me.”

Ruvik swung his arm out so fast that Sebastian flinched, thinking the fist was coming for him. But it stopped in front of his face. He held the arm there, close enough that Sebastian could take note of specific scar shapes on his forearm.

“Go ahead,” Ruvik shook it slightly. “Touch them, it doesn’t hurt.”

This was a huge step for Ruvik, Sebastian realized. The patient never wanted to touch anyone if he could help it and here he was offering to be touched by another. The trust he was expressing here was tantamount to a huge breakthrough. He could very easily call it an honor.

Sebastian looked around hesitantly, his fingers twitching. He did want to touch them to satisfy his curiosity and some deep desire to feel Ruvik. But it could certainly get inappropriate very fast if he wasn't careful. He could get fired and kicked out of school. He’d never become a doctor.

But how often would he get this opportunity?

After all they were alone.

When he looked at Ruvik he saw that his eyes were pinched shut, as if expecting Sebastian to hurt him. His arm shaking slightly and his fist clenched tight. So he took extra care when he finally reached out and grazed his palm against his skin.

Calloused and rough; that’s how it felt. Like the hardened skin on a lizard. But there were patches of smooth uncharred skin between the rough. The scars were like islands amidst the ocean. Or a desert, considering his skin was still quite warm.

He imagined touching his skin in another situation, away from the facility, in the privacy of his apartment. In the comfort of his bed. No patients. No doctors. He could memorize the feeling of every divot in his skin with his hands, his lips, his tongue. How would that stoic face change in the throes of sexual contact? Would he flush with ecstasy? He'd love to see that, he thought, resisting the urge to bite his lip.

Ruvik didn’t move while Sebastian’s hand traveled down his elbow and then forearm to his wrist, feeling every scar. He kept expecting the doctor to flinch and retract his hands in disgust, just like everyone else. He didn’t though. And the pain was…nonexistent? In fact it felt nice. Better than nice. Ruvik opened his eyes, excited and frightened by that feeling. Hope.

“See, I told you,” Ruvik withdrew his hand suddenly. “It doesn’t hurt.”

“Then why’d you close your eyes?” Sebastian asked and then realized. “Are you afraid of me?”

“Why would I be afraid of you?” Ruvik sassed.

"Why hide your eyes then, as if I’ll turn you to stone?” Sebastian wondered. “Is it because you don't like doctors? Don't like me?”

“I like you fine,” Ruvik stated and then regretted the words. “I mean…You’re tolerable to have in my presence. More so than other doctors. But I certainly don’t enjoy your company more than my solitude.”

“But you do enjoy my company?” Sebastian clung to his wording with interest.

“Can we not speak of this?” Ruvik coughed nervously. “I find you extremely prying and meddlesome at current.”

Ruvik put his hoodie back on, not because he was cold but because he needed a way to hide his face. It was changing colors by the second and not because of the weather. This topic altogether made him anxious. Sebastian could tell Ruvik felt put on the spot.

"I understand, sorry I made you uncomfortable," Sebastian told him, trying to quell his unease. "It was never my intention."

Ruvik nodded to show he heard him and tried to relax. They sat quietly for a while after that. Sebastian finished his water and tossed it into the trashcan next to the bench. Ruvik drank slowly, savoring each drop of water in the bottle. If he wanted to throw it in as well he'd have to lean over the doctor and that was not happening.

Sebastian watched Ruvik tip the bottle back a last time. His adam's apple rose and fell with with the final gulp of water. A drip squeezed out of the corner of his mouth travelling down his neck. He followed it far too intently, thinking about licking it from Ruvik's body. He needed to defuse the situation; lighten it up with conversation.

"Man the stars look great tonight..." Sebastian sighed.

Was that a come on? Ruvik wasn't sure since he'd never been hit on before. He looked up at the sky copying Sebastian. It was rather clear and the lights were twinkling bright.

"You like science; know anything about stars?" Sebastian pointed at them as he leaned back on the bench. He seemed to be connecting them with invisible lines.

"No. Constellations are not my type of science. I don't find them particularly interesting," Ruvik looked down from the sparkling lights. "Or useful."

"Really? I find them fascinating," Sebastian chattered. "Sailors used them to navigate the world's oceans; to keep from getting lost or crashing into reefs. I took a few electives on astronomy and astrology."

Ruvik scoffed louder than he intended. Sebastian turned to look at Ruvik to find him chuckling. It was a great thing to see; his patient laughing. It made his stomach do a flip.

"What's so funny?" Sebastian grinned.

"Astrology, doctor? That's hardly scientific. You wasted your tuition and time; nothing in astrology is founded in reality," Ruvik smirked.

"Some would say the same of psychotherapy," Seb quirked a brow with a laugh. "Yet, here we are."

Ruvik blinked stoically. He supposed that was true. Anything to do with treatment of the mind was thought of as soft science up until about twenty years ago. Superstitious black magic about a hundred years ago. Witchcraft of a sort. Who was to say what the future of stars might be a century from now?

Sebastian pointed to a few constellations and delivered a little backstory on them while Ruvik quietly listened. He wasn't too interested in the subject of the conversation as much as the emotion of the speaker. Sebastian seemed so thrilled with it, excitement pouring from his lips. It was the same way Laura would get when talking about flowers and a memory overtook him.

_"Ruben, do you know what these are?" she asked, her voice lilting high._

_Young Ruben shook his head no, his disinterest showing._

_"Daffodils! They are a bulb flower which means they will always return when the season begins anew. And when given in a bundle they represent good fortune but one alone tells of misfortune? Isn't that amazing?" she giggled._

_"Why do you like flowers so much Laura?" Ruben asked, looking over her shoulder. She turned and smiled at him, kissing his nose. He blushed and turned away with a pout._

_"Because they're beautiful to look at of course, especially with someone you care deeply about. They represent the cycle of life so perfectly but more than that I love the way they always seem to persevere. Through people picking them, animals eating them, and extreme frost and heat; they make it," Laura reached down as if to pick one but only caressed it with her fingertip._

_"But they still die, even if they defeat the odds; when the season ends so do they," Ruben looked down sadly._

_Laura stood and approached a lone flower. It was difficult to tell what it was before it dried up, reaching the end of its life. She reached out and touched the dried up pod and it crackled in response._

_"Of course they do. Everything passes on eventually. The idea isn't to live forever Ruben, but to pass something on to the generation after you; for the new season," She sighed and clutched the pod in her hand, crushing the shell. Then she revealed to him her palm. There were seeds inside. "Do you understand?"_

_They planted the seeds nearby and Ruben wondered if they would grow. Once finished Laura stood up, dirt still on her hands. She couldn't help but notice that Ruben continued to look forlorn at the dried up flowers. Laura placed a hand on his shoulder and he looked up, sadness at the edges of his eyes._

_"Don't dwell on the dead flowers, Ruben. All you can do is plant for the next season and hope for the best," she smiled and he smiled back. "Come, let's play hide and seek in the barn."_

Don't dwell, she told him. He could try.

"What?" Ruvik asked in response to the question he missed.

"When is your birthday?" he asked again. "It wasn't in your file oddly enough."

His birthday? Ruvik looked at him suspiciously. Some kind of astrology thing no doubt. He was trying to show Ruvik that it was a valid science. His birthday was...he blinked in confusion. It'd been so long it was hard to remember the last time he celebrated it. It was in January he thought. A few days after New Years?

"Hold on, I want to guess," Sebastian took out a pen and his pad. He scribbled something on the page and then covered it.

"The beginning of January," he answered warily.

Sebastian started to laugh heartily. Ruvik wanted to be pissed, for initially it seemed the laughter was directed at him. But after a few more bellows it was obvious Sebastian was laughing at the situation. That knowledge put him at ease but he did wonder why that was funny.

The chuckling doctor revealed the writing and Ruvik leaned over to read it. Capricorn.

"What does that mean?" Ruvik quirked a brow.

"It means astrology is SPOT ON," Sebastian wiped the laughter tears from his eyes. "Okay, this is perfect actually. Look there."

Sebastian leaned forward and close to Ruvik but his eyes maintained their spot on the sky. If Ruvik weren't so certain of his hideousness he'd think Sebastian was getting fresh with him. Using his position as his doctor to try to get in close to whisper to him. But that was absurd, wasn't it?  He pointed high and connected the stars.

"Right there is Capricornus, it's the faintest of the sun sign constellations so it's a little hard to-," he told him. "See it? Here and here and they're connected. No, higher. Give me your hand."

He reached for Ruvik's hand and pointed it directly at the collection of stars. He moved it in accordance to the connections as well. Ruvik could not ignore the gentle pressure of Sebastian's hand as it assisted him in locating the stars. And the warmth from his shoulder. Ruvik leaned slightly and discretely smelled Sebastian's hair. Old spice. He wondered if it was as soft as it looked.

"It's easier to see yours this time of year," Sebastian commented looking to Ruvik.

"What about yours?" Ruvik asked, not ready for Sebastian to release his hand and hoping he didn't see him enjoying the smell of the intern's hair.

"The trees here are kind of obscuring it but..." Sebastian lifted Ruvik's hand in a different direction. "All of these...and those make mine."

"Why does yours have so many?" Ruvik questioned.

"Because it's the best constellation," Sebastian bragged. "Cool, right? Stars aren't so boring, are they?"

Sebastian's hand lingered for a moment longer on Ruvik's before letting go. He leaned on his elbows which sat on his knees as he looked up at the sky with a smile. There were no ulterior motives or insert-therapy-lesson-here speeches? He really just wanted to share something with him? No one ever really talked to him just to talk before. Ruvik looked at that hunched over back and those hopeful eyes with new-found interest.

**_Plant for the next season and hope for the best._ **

He looked down at his hand. Sebastian didn't tremble while holding the scarred thing. In fact, it was like he saw Ruvik as normal. How was that even possible? When he looked down he saw nothing but the phantom of the opera house. Dr. Frankenstein's monster trying to be human. The nosferatu hiding in the dark.

"Something wrong with your hand?" Sebastian asked, leaning over to look. Ruvik gripped them tight and shoved them in his pockets.

"No, the same as always," Ruvik told him. He was hoping they'd look different; perhaps the way Sebastian saw them.

"You seem hung up on your appearance," Sebastian said. "As if it is the only thing that matters. It's how you treat people that creates the trouble."

Sebastian couldn't understand; he'd never been looked at with disgust and fear. Treated like less than a person because he looked like...well, less than a person. Being treated that way; it changed him.

Before, he was always antisocial but never bitter. He demanded excellence of himself, which is why he studied so hard. And it was better to surround oneself with others of that same caliber. That's why he held such disdain for people who complained about their lot. And it only got worse after the fire; anyone who complained about how tough their life was made him angry. They were so ungrateful to be alive and untarnished; he lashed out at them. He never really thought of it as the reason people felt put off; he just assumed they were envious of his intelligence and repulsed by his face.

"I refuse to believe someone of your background didn't learn how to be polite," Sebastian commented.

"I...well, I was taught proper etiquette. I exclusively utilize it when it will benefit me. Otherwise," Ruvik yawned. "I prefer silence and contemplation."

"And snappy insults to those deserving of it? Which is anyone that isn't as smart as you? So almost everyone. A capricorn to the end," Sebastian chuckled. "Reserved. Intelligent. Disciplined. Egotistical. Stoic on the outside and smiling on the inside when victories arrive."

"I can smile if I desire to," Ruvik objected to the last statement. "I simply have nothing to be happy about...so what would be the point of it?"

Sebastian gave his usual smile but it wasn't until now that Ruvik noticed something about it. It looked sad and teeming with regret. It looked pained by the way his eyes creased and brows furrowed; like he was trying too hard to appear happy. He leaned back and rummaged through his coat pocket looking for his pack of menthols. When he found them he pulled one and set it in his lips. He blocked any breeze as he lit it, which made Ruvik flinch at the sparks as it clicked.

"I used to be like that," Sebastian inhaled and puffed.

He remembered thinking, why smile? Why give a fuck about anything? The two people he loved most in the world were dead. He no longer had the stomach to become a surgeon after spending days in the hospital, waiting for his daughter to die. Accepting that she was going to pass because there was no way she'd be getting better. And there was no way for him to help. He was useless. Worse than useless; he was worthless.

And then he started drinking. Drinking a lot. He'd come back to the apartment completely smashed in the hopes that the alcohol would remove the memories entirely. Sometimes Sebastian hoped to never make it home. Those were the darkest nights of his life.

"But I didn't want to live that way anymore," he closed his eyes, breathing in his poison of choice. "I figured I was screwed; no matter what. So why not help others? I didn't want to take anyone down with me."

Sebastian flicked the ash away from Ruvik and replaced the cigarette.

"Luckily, I had a friend with good advice," Sebastian looked over at Ruvik. "That's why I'm here. I want to help you too, Mr. Victoriano."

Why did he look so good right now? Was it the charming smile while leaned back so leisurely? A cigarette between his fingers as the smoke danced up to the starry sky, joining the constellations they were just gazing at. Kind eyes with a soul behind him, one that had been hurt before like him. Broad shoulders and strong hands with a gentle touch. The very picture of suave.

_//Go ahead Ruvik.//_

_//What is the worst that could happen?//_

Flashes of fire and the smell of burning flesh. Smoke obscuring all vision and a hand taking his. Arms lifting him to an opening and pushing him through it. He held on tight to the frame of the window and reached in. Their hand was inches away but the fire was tearing his flesh apart. He screamed in anguish; he just couldn't get to them.

_//It'll just happen to him too. You burn everyone around you. Nothing ever changes.//_

_//There is no such thing as hope.//_

Sebastian saw the inner turmoil in Ruvik's eyes. The moment before his eyes looked interested, maybe even admiring. But they switched quickly and suddenly. Ruvik turned away but Sebastian could have sworn he saw intense fear. And pain. Ruvik placed his hands on his ears and took deep calculated breaths.

"What's wrong?" Sebastian asked standing, abandoning the cigarette to the ground. Concern mounting as he knelt in front of Ruvik. His eyes squeezed shut, jaw clenched.

"She's here," Ruvik rasped. "The fire...it was so hot..."

"Tell me what you need. A sedative?"

Ruvik shook his head.

"Water?"

His head continued to shake.

"Then tell me what I can do!"

If he ran inside he could get a nurse but that would mean leaving Ruvik there all alone. He'd be sitting there surrounded by manifestations of grief and guilt.  That was the last thing he wanted to do. If it were him Joseph would simply be there for him and reassure him that he'd be fine.

Sebastian placed his hands over Ruvik's in covering his ears. He seemed to think that he could block the noise out this way. The shaking lessened and his panicked breathing was calming down.

"Shhh, you're okay. Just breathe," Sebastian said calmly. "The fire is gone. You're safe here."

"I'm afraid," he said but the voice sounded small. Like a child.

"Being afraid is okay," Sebastian assured him. "That's normal."

It took place over a few minutes but it felt as though he'd held Ruvik's hands for hours. His eyes were searching for signs of the storm passing in each grit of his teeth and every twinge on Ruvik's tearless face. He ventured a guess to say Ruvik was in extreme pain. While he said pain wasn't a factor anymore he could have been lying to Sebastian.

But what would he gain from lying?

_**"I don't want or need your pity."** _

"I'm alright," Ruvik sighed. "Let go of me."

Sebastian did so but stayed on his knees for a moment. "Do you need anything? I'll get it for you."

"I'll be fine. Nothing I haven't dealt with before..." Ruvik trailed off but his eyes sported confusion.

What happened? Normally this only occurred when he stewed too much about the past. When his imagination ran away with him. We wasn't even thinking about the fire but the memory reemerged so suddenly and vividly. He felt like he was there again. Watching someone die once more.

And in the flames...the shadow within that burning barn...it wasn't Laura. It was…

Sebastian caused this, he concluded. With his prying eyes and smooth voice. His hopeless optimistic face. God he was just like her.

"You felt really warm though," Sebastian leaned forward, concerned. "Maybe you overheated? You should take your hood down-"

“Please, don’t,” Ruvik stated and turned his head away from the reaching hand. “I can’t stand looking at you right now.”

“Ouch, that seems kind of harsh. I thought I was a pretty handsome guy but now I feel bad,” Sebastian joked with a smile, but the lack of response had the smile disappearing. “Mr. Victoriano?”

“I’m going inside,” Ruvik stood and pushed past Sebastian, knocking him off balance to the ground.

“Hold on,” Sebastian called out and scrambled to his feet to catch up.

Ruvik was desperate to get away and to his room where it was easier to hide. It was easier to conceal his emotions and his face there. He wanted to look at Sebastian badly, more than look, but it was a mistake. He was done with hope; he didn’t deserve it.

“Mr. Victoriano, wait!” Sebastian called. Ruvik was moving much faster than when they walked the track. Sebastian had to speed up considerably to get even with him. His face was down-turned and hidden like always. “Stop will you? I think discussion might-”

“-help? I seriously doubt it,” Ruvik stammered. “I have nothing to discuss with you.”

“Could you just stop for a minute?” Sebastian grabbed his arm, fulling expecting Ruvik to wrench it out of his hand. He didn’t. “If there’s something on your mind then say it. Keeping it bottled up never helps, trust me on this one.”

Ruvik could pull away and run but honestly how far would he get? Where could he go that Sebastian wouldn’t follow? He didn't feel like talking but Sebastian wasn't letting go without a response. The patient swallowed and took a deep calming breath before looking up at his doctor.

The prolonged stare spoke volumes. There was always a painful look in Ruvik’s eyes but now they were accompanied by another emotion. Funnily enough he’d seen it before on his best friend but never attributed a feeling to it. Yearning. And disappointment. He'd seen it outside the group session door when Ruvik peered in. He was looking with longing at Sebastian. Wanted him. Ruvik just couldn't allow himself to admit it. He was too afraid.

“Will you let go of me?” Ruvik looked down with a grumble. "I want to go to my quarters. To be alone."

“So you can go punish yourself again by kicking walls?” Sebastian glared when it all clicked. “I didn’t realize that Ruvik Victoriano was a coward.”

“You know nothing of me,” Ruvik mumbled and tugged slightly, too tired to yank.

“Despite your opinions on my intelligence, I know a great deal about you,” Sebastian held tight. “You’re a resilient man, which is obvious from your recovery. It takes a strong will to get through something like that. And an even stronger one to deal with the aftermath.”

The aftermath. Ruvik remembered all the looks in the hospital and how they changed. At first it was pity. They felt sorry for him as long as he was in bed and quiet. When he was able to walk again and remove the bandages the stares changed to fear and disgust. There were whispers as he walked a corner or entered a room. It was difficult to ignore and harder to forgive. He grew calloused on the inside as well as out.

“I’m sure people said things, things I won’t repeat,” Sebastian looked down at his own hands. “You probably had ways to dull the pain. Blamed others. Drugs that made you feel...nothing. It didn’t really make the agony of your situation better only more endurable. Retreating and pushing out as many people as possible because how could they possibly understand?”

That sounded exactly like what he'd thought before. Even the words. Sebastian did know the feeling; it wasn't a ruse to get Ruvik to open up. He didn't have to wonder what it was like. They had parallel experiences.

Sebastian remembered the night that Joseph socked him in the face. After almost crashing his car off the bridge. He was hammered but that punch sobered him up immediately. He couldn’t believe his best friend was yelling at him.

**_"You think your actions aren't hurting anyone but you?! You're wrong!"_ **

“You feel like everything's your fault. And you give up on everything because how could things get better after that? It’s just easier to be alone and unhappy then to take a risk and hope for something better than before,” Sebastian sighed.

Hope for the best. It was like Laura's ideologies had been given new life. Laura reborn.

“You're afraid to change, I get that. Afraid of failure. But that’s no way to live,” Sebastian looked up at him, a great sympathy in his voice.

Ruvik tried to look away but Sebastian's gaze held him, waiting for a response. What did he want him to say? That he liked the doctor? That he was the first person since Laura to penetrate his shield and reach his heart? That it hurt to feel again? That he wasn't sure he wanted to feel again? That he'd rather be alone then walk the tightrope in the hopes to reach a person on the other side?

"It's too difficult," Ruvik spoke. "I can't do it."

Sebastian's grip loosened while he talked. God how he wanted to hold Ruvik right then. Reassure him with a warm embrace and promise that things could and would get better. You’re getting too emotional, Sebastian warned. He needed to keep his wits about him.

"I'm not saying you should change your outlook completely and immediately start trusting everyone. No one could ask that of you."

"Then what do you want from me?!" Ruvik asked, resolve wavering. He was frustrated and tired.

"Just don't give up. There's no guarantee things will improve but if you give up then you remove the possibility entirely," Sebastian implored. "And I know you enjoy a challenge. So, give...things a chance."

He nearly said 'us'. Give 'us' a chance.

Ruvik did want things to get better; he just didn't want to fail again. To reach out for that hand in the flames only to get burned. Again. But maybe that wouldn't happen this time. He'd never looked at it as a challenge before. Anything that got in his way before he bulldozed over with determination and intelligence. Being a person again couldn't be more difficult than organic chemistry. Then maybe one day he could...admit to having feelings again.

"I'll take your words under advisement," Ruvik relented. “I’ll...try.”

"Really? I mean, good," Sebastian smiled awkwardly and let go. "Sorry for grabbing you so hard."

"I'm fine," Ruvik dismissed his concern. "I hardly felt it."

Sebastian told him to go ahead inside and take care of his shower. He'd already told Ms. Gutierrez that someone needed to open the wash room for him. Ruvik would have the entire room to himself to relax in. He started up another cigarette and it dangled from his mouth as he spoke.

"I'll meet you afterwards with your new meds," he said, clenched down on the filter.

Ruvik nodded to show he understood and tossed his bottle in the trash before heading inside. He stopped and turned his head to look over his shoulder. Sebastian noticed and commented on it.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

"I just wanted to let you know," Ruvik cleared his throat. "I lied before. I do like coffee. Black."

And then he left Sebastian alone with his smokes and the stars.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter than usual. Please Enjoy.

"How did things go, Dr. Castellanos?" asked a sultry voice behind Sebastian. He turned to face Tatiana who was slowly approaching the smoking man. He was surprised to see her.

"Aren't you letting Ruvik into the shower room?" Sebastian asked.

"I've got my best nurse on it," she told him, nodding at the cigarette. "May I?"

With a flick of his wrist he turned the butt towards her and she took it gracefully. Tatiana brought it to her lips and pulled deep on the filter. She held it in, eyes closed, and revelled in the feeling. She savored it before letting it billow back out with a sigh.

"I missed that," she sighed, handing it back to him with a lipstick stain.

"Trying to quit?" he asked.

"I just failed," she said. "But it was a good run. A whole month."

"I'm impressed," he chuckled. "Sorry to ruin your streak. My longest is two days. Want more?"

They passed the cigarette back and forth taking a drag before handing it off to the other. He didn't mind sharing if she didn't mind menthols. It was when she adjusted her glasses he remembered Joe. Joe hated his smokes and the way they smelled on clothes.

Joseph Oda. Thanks to Ruvik he now recognized the look in Joe's eyes from earlier. He was never relieved after that car ride. He was disappointed and trying to hide it. He also realized what set him off; Ruvik. He never would have guessed his best friend was in love with him. And was the jealous type. He supposed it didn't matter much if Joseph was with Tatiana now.

"So things went well then? No issues?" she asked and passed the stub of the cigarette.

"Better than I expected. And I discovered that my patient is not the only one out of shape," Sebastian chuckled, staring at the cigarette. "Probably because of these."

"Astute observation," Tatiana smiled.

"How's Joe, if you don't mind me asking?" Sebastian added. "He was feeling down before because, uh, well...of work or something."

Tatiana gave him a knowing smile as she took the last drag from the stub. He was a terrible liar and she knew it. So did he. He shrugged it off with a help-me-out-here grin.

"Your concern is touching but I wouldn't worry too much," she maintained eye contact. "Mr. Oda will be fine, with time. It can't be fixed with a few words or gestures. Much like Mr. Victoriano, he needs a strong support system until he can carry himself. I am more than happy to be such a structure, though he could certainly use more."

"You mean me, don't you?" Sebastian questioned.

"Do I?" she asked while stubbing out the butt. "I am just a nurse, Dr. Castellanos. What do I know? Good night sir; to you and your patient."

Tatiana swayed back towards the door with light steps and a hum. She seemed to always know more than she let on. Far wiser than most the staff there and half of the doctors despite her claim of humility. Sebastian would have one more cigarette before going in but his curiosity was piqued.

"What poor nurse did you con into opening up the shower for Ruvik?" he asked, pulling the last cigarette from his pack slumping his shoulders in defeat.

“Con? You have some strange ideas about me, Dr. Castellanos,” she sighed.

Tatiana went inside and closed the door behind her. But through the glass she gave him another one of those mysterious all-knowing smiles.

*****

"You," Joseph said with surprise.

Ruvik looked up with a slight glare to which Joseph responded with shock. That familiar look of fear on his face, on all of their faces when he entered a room. But only when he gave that icy stare. He softened his eyes slightly, remembering Sebastian's comment on his attitude.

"Ruvik," he replied. "Ruvik Victoriano." He unwillingly stuck out his hand to shake; like Sebastian would do.

Joseph took it hesitantly and shook it quickly before letting go. He never really spoke much with this patient, in fact he took measures to avoid him entirely. Why would Tatiana ask him to do this detail? She knew how he felt about him after that drunken night at the bar. All he did was whine about it after shots. He looked so pathetic as Tatiana carried him back to her place that night.

"Joseph Oda," he told him as he keyed the lock on the shower room.

"You're his friend, correct?" Ruvik looked to the floor.

"You mean Seb," Joseph nodded. "Since junior high."

He could have made a nasty remark. Something along the lines of Sebastian being an insufferable optimist in school. That he was probably a chatty little know it all. Or he could have made comments on the choice to be a nurse. Rude ones about playing second fiddle to the real hospital heroes. But he held his tongue and reminded himself to play nice.

They entered and the nurse reached up the shelves to retrieve a few towels. He hopped back down off the step stool and extended them to Ruvik. He still seemed a trifle afraid of him. Ruvik was trying his hardest not to take it personally. He just needed to take it one step at a time.

"Thank you," he told Joseph as he took the towels and headed for the shower.

"Sure," Joseph said, relaxing a little. He was expecting some scathing comment but it never came. "I'll be on this bench until you finish. Take your time."

Usually Tatiana was the one standing watch over his allotted shower time, which normally was in the early morning when no one was awake. She spoke very little if at all and didn't shudder at his appearance. It was like the head nurse was part of the architecture instead of a living person. He preferred that kind of emotional distance in people.

But if he was going to try things Sebastian's way then he couldn't keep ignoring others.

"Your friend," Ruvik started over the shower.

"Just call him Sebastian," Joe interrupted. "He calls you Ruvik," he added with a sigh.

Not around me, he thought. Always Mr. Victoriano, out of respect no doubt.

"Sebastian," he tried the full name on his lips for the first time. He preferred the way the nickname sounded. It was better. "What was he like...before?"

"Before?" Joseph started with confusion and then realization. "Oh right, before the fire..."

It was only a couple of years ago but it seemed much longer when Joseph thought about it. Sebastian had changed a great deal since then. He gained a little weight from drinking. And he smoked a pack every few days when he used to go through one a week. He smiled more now but not the smiles he had before. Before they were carefree and accompanied by bright eyes. Now they were more frequent as a way to combat the sadness he experienced and tinged with grief.

"I suppose he was happier then but wouldn't anyone be?" Joseph told him. "You don't go through something like that without feeling...changed...tarnished in some way."

Ruvik understood. All too well. And from the sudden pause from Joseph, he must have realized too.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to...I was just...No offense was meant," Joe stuttered over and over, unable to complete a real sentence.

"None taken," Ruvik told him and meant it. The man wasn't trying to hurt his feelings. He turned off the shower and dried off.

"It was hard for Sebastian. Probably harder than it is for you," Joseph clasped his hands. Ruvik peered around the corner with a disbelieving glare he couldn't hold back. "I'm not saying it wasn't hard for you. I'm sure it was. But when people see you, myself included, they pity you. They have certain expectations of what you're feeling, what you're like, and they'll excuse your behavior more often than not. Because you were clearly hurt they could understand your pain."

"And him? Sebastian?" Ruvik wondered.

"There was no outer trauma. It's hard to see the pain someone goes through without a scar to show for it," Joseph explained. "Everyone sort of expected him to get over it. And it's not that easy. He drank a lot. Still does. And he wouldn't ask for help, not that anyone would think he needed it. Seb always seems like he has it together so when he fails at something people are that much more critical of him."

Ruvik never thought about that. Sebastian Castellanos working through classes and everyday tasks with a depression that could sink the Titanic but no one noticing. Ruvik was so miserable after the fire but there were no shortage of people trying to help him. He pushed them all away to be alone. But that was his choice; it was what he wanted. Sebastian was alone with no one to help him.

"I see," Ruvik realized. "How...unfortunate."

"But some things never change. He loves to talk especially when he's nervous," Joseph laughed a little. "You should have seen him at his wedding...talking about stars and useless facts about pretty much anything. Myra kissed him to shut him up. I don't think I laughed so hard in my life."

"Stars, huh?" Ruvik sighed. He put dots on the tile in front of him and connected them.

Capricornus. And whatever Sebastian's was; he never actually said.

He finished up by putting on a clean set of clothes and leaving the towel draped over his head to hide his face. He left the sweaty clothes in the community hamper. Ruvik then came back out from the shower area holding the towel tight.

"Thank you," Ruvik said again. "For opening the door...and the conversation."

"Uh, sure, anytime," Joseph stood, adjusting his glasses. "Talking about Seb is easy. Talking to him is...harder. It's like looking into the sun isn't it?"

"Agreed," Ruvik nodded.

Ruvik stepped lightly out into the hall and down it. It was silent as the grave as he left the washroom. Joseph was surprised by the entire interaction. It was less painful than he imagined it would be. He was ashamed to admit it but he was expecting Ruvik to have a meltdown and strike him. But he was perfectly civil; nothing like he was before when he was throwing his food.

Was this Sebastian's doing?

*****

Sebastian Castellanos walked his way down the hall with pills in a little cup in one hand and a cup of water in the other. The different drug combination would work better with his new exercise regimen. Well, it should. He hoped it would.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

It was quiet on the other side of the door. He was probably still in the shower. Sebastian could just wait inside provided he didn't touch anything. Opening the door though revealed something he didn't expect.

Ruvik was sitting up on his bed with his back to the wall, a pensive look upon his face but he was dead asleep. His arms were crossed too. He was standing/sitting guard, committed to staying awake but managed to fall asleep at attention.

"Even in sleep you look far too serious," Sebastian joked.

Sebastian hated to do it but he had to wake Ruvik to take his new medicine before going home for the evening. He supposed he could wait a moment though and just...observe him. He could listen to him breathe. Watch the rise and fall of his chest. Maybe even reach out and feel his face...He placed his hand on the mattress to steady himself and stretched his fingers forward toward his cheek.

"What am I thinking?" Sebastian stopped himself as he leaned forward. Instead he patted Ruvik's shoulder, calling out to him quietly so as not to startle him. "Mr. Victoriano, wake up."

Ruvik mumbled before opening his eyes, slowly coming into focus before he realizing where he was. His room. His bed. Sebastian was there.

"Tired?" Sebastian smiled, leaning back. He picked up the drugs and water from the side table.

"I didn't think I was," Ruvik shook his head.

He remembered sitting there, waiting for Sebastian. When did he nod off? He saw the medication  and reached out for both cups. Ruvik swallowed them down in record time and without another word handed them back to Sebastian. He then readied himself for bed by just bundling up with blankets and disappearing in its folds.

"Well goodnight then," Sebastian nodded. "Again tomorrow? Same time same place?"

"I suppose," Ruvik sighed, getting comfortable and putting his head on the pillow.

"It's a date then," Sebastian joked.

The room became silent. There was no response from Ruvik and Sebastian was embarrassed that his joke fell so flat. Embarrassed and a little disappointed that Ruvik didn't think it was funny at all.

"Right, so. Tomorrow. Good night," Sebastian stuttered out as he made a hasty exit to avoid embarrassing himself further.

Once the door closed Ruvik got his breath back, though his face maintained a red hue. How was Sebastian to know how his breath hitched? Or that he'd clutched the handkerchief just as he'd made the joke? The one he'd taken and hid under his pillow. He thought Sebastian had caught him; knew exactly what he was doing. It was just a joke, he told himself. He didn't mean it. The guy told jokes all the time.

He reached over to turn on the record but he paused mere millimeters from the switch and needle. Laura's record. A double edged sword was what Sebastian called it. It brought him relief and easy sleep but he never made a connection to his hallucinations or his guilt. It was Laura's fault he couldn't get better.

Ruvik stood up and looked down on the large black disc. He lifted it off the player and stared at it. Part of him wanted to shatter it into a million pieces. It felt like an anchor pulling him down, even as he was holding it he could feel the weight of it. He raised it above his head, his arms shaking at the gravity of what he was about to do.

_//What are you doing Ruvik?//_

But it was...it was the only thing he had of her. To throw it away…

_//You would destroy me Ruvik? Destroy the only happy memory of me?//_

"Laura..." he trembled unsure.

_//I was always there for you. Even when you weren't there for me.//_

_//Ruvik, I'd never leave you even though you abandoned me to the smoldering ruins of the barn.//_

He couldn't breathe. He could feel Laura right behind him, holding him and whispering into his ear. Her hair tickling his neck, soft as the days before her death. He could feel her arms holding his middle in a loving embrace. Hands held his wrists, sharp nails dug into his skin to keep him from throwing the record.

_//You left me there screaming in agony while my flesh charred and blistered into nothing but a seared corpse.//_

_//If you'd just reached a little farther...I'd really be here...with you. The least you can do is protect me now…//_

He fell to his knees holding the record tight to his chest. His breath returned to him as he whimpered and promised over and over that he'd never break her. It would be like killing her twice. He loved her too much to do such a horrible thing to her when all she ever did was care for him.

_//I knew you wouldn't hurt me Ruvik. I love you so very much, my dear brother.//_

"I am so sorry, Laura. I...wasn't thinking...of course, I'd never hurt you..." he apologized.

Ruvik placed her disc on the player but didn't turn it on. He could't destroy her but that didn't mean he had to listen. He crawled back into his bed and held the handkerchief close to his face, breathing in the smell of coffee. Sebastian would help him through this. He'd already promised to in his little book.

"Please forgive me," he whispered. "Goodnight Laura."

_//Never.//_

He could hear her voice fading away.

_//Good night Ruvik.//_

*****

Sebastian fell into his bed upon arriving home and let out the loudest, most exhausted sigh in his life. He was exceptionally tired. Getting up from the bed was a physical impossibility. He could barely manage to roll over. Forget changing out of his coat. Or eating dinner.

He fell asleep in his clothes hoping against hope that just for once this month he wouldn't wake from another terrible nightmare.

Well, it wasn’t a nightmare that woke him.

It wasn’t sequential; in fact he had a hard time even keeping up with all that was happening. Putting it in order was impossible. But he remembered a pair of hands on him. He might have been pushed down to the ground or maybe a bed. It was soft but firm.

His hands were restrained but he couldn’t see ropes. He couldn’t see anything. Something was covering his eyes. Sebastian didn’t have to ask who was doing this to him. He could hear a dark chuckle in his ear.

“Stay there on your knees; where you belong, Seb,” he spoke. He pulled his head back by his hair and ran a tongue down his neck. “Yes, like this. And keep your ass high.”

Sebastian tried to protest but Ruvik put a gag in his mouth just as he opened it. Now his objections were muffled groans that sounded more akin to approval then protestation.

“Experiment one; Let’s see how much we can fit inside of you before you collapse,” Ruvik said, the sound of a pen writing on paper followed. “Let’s start with this small tube…”

The dream jumped around some. Ruvik taking notes and experimenting on him. Forcing things inside him and measuring the volume of his moans. Pleasuring him and writing down the exact amount of fluids coming out every time he came. And then timing him to see how long it took to get him again.

“Now...open your mouth Seb, nice and wide,” Ruvik gripped his jaw after removing the gag. “Let’s see how much you can swallow before you choke.”

Sebastian bolted upright in his bed, covered in sweat, panting. It was still dark but approaching morning. His alarm wouldn’t go off for another two hours but his erection was demanding to get off right now.

He didn’t even know he was into half the things Ruvik did to him in that dream. Some he remembered performing for Myra but...nothing like the erotic events that transpired in his mind. He could barely imagine Ruvik kissing him let alone...well, debauchery was a kind word for it; not that he didn’t enjoy it greatly. It made him wonder what Ruvik might be into...if not that then what? He didn’t seem to be a sexual person in general. He got flustered if someone even touched him; he couldn’t imagine something more physical.

For now he needed to deal with what lay before him and right now that was a massive erection. Would it be inappropriate to think of Ruvik while taking care of it? Perhaps, but if he was quiet no one would know. He removed his pants from earlier and lowered the brim of his boxer briefs before he took hold.

He rubbed and squeezed, tilting his head back against his wall with a sigh. Sebastian closed his eyes and he could easily imagine Ruvik whispering dirty insults at him, which turned him on more than he thought it would. It wasn’t long before he climaxed, making a mess of his undergarments and his hand. He could almost hear Ruvik commanding him to clean it up with his mouth. For science, of course.

Sebastian cleaned up with a couple of tissues before rolling over and going back to sleep. The best sleep he’d had in months, thanks to his dreams. Or was it...thanks to Ruvik?


	7. Chapter 7

Ruvik awoke to silence and darkness. This was uncommon practice for Ruvik as often there were whispers or phantoms slinking around the dark recesses of his room. In between the bookshelves, beneath the door frame, inside the waves of the curtains. But today was uncomfortably quiet. He stretched and looked at the clock. Surely it wasn't eight in the morning? That couldn't be right; it must be broken.

He took it down from the wall and inspected the face of it. Still clicking with each passing second. Ruvik had never slept through the night before. His anti-psychotics usually came about this ti-

Knock, Knock.

He replaced the clock as Tatiana entered.

"Good morning, Mr. Victoriano. Awake per usual," she nodded. "Your medications and breakfast."

He took the pills immediately so she could continue on her rounds. The tray sat on his side table and he ate quietly from it. It seemed strange to wake up after sleeping for so long. He felt...awake. It sounded silly since he was often awake but this was different. It was like being alert. His eyes didn't hurt. There was no fatigue. And this feeling. Energy?

Should he tell Sebastian? It was only the first day. There was a chance it was a fluke.

For the first hour of being awake he paced in his room for a while, unable to sit still and read for longer than ten minutes. Madame Bovary in the original french could not keep his attention. Franz Kafka's Der Prozess became boring in moments. He even picked up his copy of the Divine Comedy but was suddenly too restless to read more than a few pages. It felt so strange to think it but...he wanted to get out of his room.

He wanted to walk around.

Ruvik wrapped up his face securely and raised his hood before exiting his room.

It was like walking through an art gallery for the first time. He'd never really noticed things before. There were actually paintings on the walls. Some were nice, others not so much. He found one done by the patient Leslie of a playground focusing on the swings. It was...good. Watercolor was not his cup of tea but it was nice. Could he have a painting of his put up, he wondered.

Who would want one?

He frightened a few nurses who did not expect to see him coming around a corner. They dropped their trays, apologized, and hurried out of his way. He said nothing and continued to walk the halls as if he'd never seen them. They weren't worth the time or energy required for scowling.

Tatiana was sitting at her desk as he passed. He simply nodded at her to acknowledge her presence and she smiled back with her own nod. There was no sign of the nurse-to-be Joseph or Sebastian. Perhaps they were not yet there.

Walking into the dayroom was a sight to behold. It was full of people playing board games and solving puzzles or watching television. Only the ones at the entrance noticed him as he entered. Leslie was sitting at a small table playing with the pieces from a chess board, making them talk and fight. He was the only one Ruvik knew so he approached him and Leslie looked up in pleased surprise.

"Morning, good morning. There are birds today," Leslie spoke. "You are a bird today. Early bird."

"I..." Ruvik realized he'd never really had a conversation with Leslie other than yes or no questions before. "I suppose so."

"Suppose so. So. So," he copied in the tone of Ruvik. "Horsey's fight in L's."

Ruvik looked down at the pieces he was holding. The knights.

"Can you...do you know how to play...chess? Leslie?" Ruvik asked awkwardly. He wasn't sure how one talked to a child, since that was what Leslie was essentially.

Leslie picked all the pieces up off the floor and began setting them up on the board, his tongue sticking out as he concentrated. Pawns up front. Rooks in the back corners. The knights next to them. Followed by the bishops.

"Someone bit the King," Leslie laughed. "Tasty crown. Tasty."

He could see that the little cross on top of the White King was missing and wondered if it was Leslie that ate it. He did have a chip in his front teeth. Ruvik was surprised all the pieces were there at all.

He used to play chess often with his father before he became too engrossed in the church. He always lost to his father but it was always by a move or two. Laura never won against him. So much so that she regularly refused to play such a 'boring' and 'adult' game.

But he found it fun. At least he did then. It’d been so long since he last played.

"Would you like to play?" Ruvik asked, actually excited. A game or two might be interesting.

"White goes first, Leslie. Don't forget," he said in an adult voice, mimicking someone he once knew. He turned the board so that the white pieces joined Ruvik. "Play. Let's play."

*****

Sebastian came in late. He called Jimenez, apologizing profusely. He used the excuse that the power went out in their apartment so his alarm was reset but the honest truth was he slept through it. Due to a pleasing rubbing out? Probably. And since Joseph was staying with Tatiana that night no one was there to wake him. He showered and changed in a hurry, skipping over brushing his teeth for morning coffee. It would probably kill any germs in his mouth by the sheer acidity.

He signed in and checked his watch. Morning group would be meeting in less than five minutes. He was usually already there. Sebastian sped past the cafeteria and then the day-room but stopped. Did he just see...? No, he seriously doubted it. He stepped back and peeked in, just in case.

Ruvik. Ruvik was sitting at a table with Leslie. And they were...playing chess. Leslie was smiling wide but his opponent was holding his chin, thinking hard before making a move.

But he could hardly see those details at all as they were surrounded by about six other people watching them play. Ruvik didn't seem to notice or perhaps he didn't care. Sebastian caught a nurse as she left the day-room.

"Excuse me," he said. "What's going on in there?"

"One of the shut-ins came out and started a chess game with Leslie," she said. "Ruven or something like that. Scared the ever-loving breath out of me when he rounded the corner. Poor Nancy dropped her tray."

"When?" he asked.

"Early this morning. Just sort of walked in there, sat down, and they started playing," she said, checking her watch. "That was nearly two hours ago."

"How many games have they played?" Sebastian scribbled in his book.

"One. Some patients are skipping group to watch it..." she laughed and then excused herself.

Sebastian approached slowly, so as to not alert the players and break their concentration. They seemed evenly matched in the amount of pieces but Ruvik had nearly all of Leslie's pawn and lesser pieces; two bishops and a knight. Leslie had fewer pawns but he took both of Ruvik's rooks, his knights, and his Queen was in serious danger. Ruvik was not pleased and he was thinking deeply about his move set, trying to figure out a way to salvage a win.

Four moves later Leslie squealed with excitement.

"Check. Check. Check," he pointed.

"Son of a..." Ruvik grit his teeth. He could not believe this. He was losing to a man with the mental faculties of a five year old. But chess skills of a master. He moved the only piece he could with a grunt.

Three moves later resulted in checkmate.

"Win win! Horsey eats King!" he told him. "Munch munch munch." Ruvik sighed, resigning to defeat, and knocked over his king.

"Again," Ruvik demanded as he sat back up and started resetting the pieces. "I am simply rusty and needed to renew my knowledge."

"After morning session and lunch," Sebastian interrupted. "Otherwise, no one will attend group therapy."

Ruvik looked around, suddenly realized he was surrounded by people, and for a moment a panicked look took over his face. All these people were so close to him and he felt boxed in. Sebastian encouraged people to get moving and once they left Ruvik took a breath of fresh air.

"Shake hands, Leslie. Even if loser," Leslie mimicked. "Leslie's horsey won."

Leslie took Ruvik's hand, no flinching or fear, and shook it enthusiastically. He then said goodbye and took the black knight with him down the hall. He'd play with it during the group therapy, probably all day. Sebastian started towards the door to the day-room exit and turned to see Ruvik standing there uncertain.

"Are you coming?" Sebastian asked.

"No," Ruvik looked around. "I think I'll...return to my room for a spell...Until lunch."

"See you at lunch then," Sebastian nodded and walked down the hall.

He wished to follow but all those people; Ruvik wasn't ready for it. Playing chess with Leslie was different. He was a kid. And Leslie never seemed to look a person directly in the eyes for very long so it wasn't as unnerving as people who stare. And to be in a circle of people with all eyes on him? Expecting him to speak?

Hell no.

He disappeared down the hall back to his room to be alone. But the prospect of solitude didn't bring him solace like it once did.  

*****

Sebastian hardly heard a single word during the morning session. And it was over quickly. Almost as if someone was purposefully speeding time up so he could talk with his favorite patient. It was a shame he didn't have the nerve to join them but he'd already taken a big step earlier.

He arrived at the lunch room as the food was being put in the main trays. Early. Only a few patients were even there yet. Sebastian went to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. He grabbed a second cup and filled as well. He didn't bother with food and instead simply took a seat at their usual table. The newspaper under his arm was unfolded and he perused it for sports scores.

He kept expecting Ruvik to show early. But as time went by, and the lunch period came to a close, Sebastian scrunched his face in confusion. Lunch was nearly over and Ruvik never came. It was strange. He picked up a tray and had it loaded up with a few morsels; no carrots since Ruvik seemed to never get them and an extra helping of the peaches that he liked. He also made a fresh cup of coffee to place on the tray as well and started down the hall.

It was a quick trip to the long stay ward. Sebastian rapped his knuckles on the door and waited for a response.

"Come in," Ruvik said. So he entered.

Unbandaged, Ruvik sat in his painting chair and stroked a brush against the canvas. His hood was down and his eyes alert. The room seemed especially organized; the bed was made, his two pairs of shoes were lined up, the bookshelf dusted.

"You cleaned your room?" Sebastian commented but it came out more like a question. He placed the tray on the side table. "You didn't come to lunch so I brought you a few things."

"I was bored. And then I felt especially inspired to paint," Ruvik furrowed his brow at the canvas. "I must have lost track of time...You needn't have brought a tray here."

"Too late now," Sebastian took a seat on the bed since the chair was in use.

Ruvik wiped his hands on a towel that had many colored smudges on it. He placed the brushes in a cup of water for a moment, swished it around, and then wiped them off on the towel as well. The palette was nearly empty of residual paint so he laid it on the floor. He lifted the chair and brought it to the side table, looking over his meal a moment before eating. No scoff of disapproval so Sebastian figured he chose well.

He ate so carefully. Never too much on one utensil. Small controlled bites. Chewing quietly. So refined. He wasn't lying about knowing proper form.

"What were you painting, if you don't mind me asking?" Sebastian nodded towards the easel.

"It isn't covered. And your legs aren't broken," Ruvik managed after a bite of peaches.

Sebastian took that as an invitation to look and stood from the bed. Two giant legged steps and he was there looking at the beginnings of a painting.

There wasn't much on it yet. There was some blue pasted across the top with hints of pink and orange. He surmised the start of a sunset. At the bottom was darkness. Browns, greens, and reds. Maybe a hill? He wasn't entirely sure. The canvas was large, about three feet by two feet, with a lot of open space left. Ruvik had just started.

"Disappointed?" Ruvik drank from the coffee cup.

"Can one be disappointed with an incomplete piece?" Sebastian asked and then answered him. "Of course I'm not disappointed. It's a hell of a lot better than anything I could manage and you've barely begun."

"I suppose," Ruvik shrugged.

"Why didn't you come to lunch?" Sebastian finally asked.

Ruvik looked down at his tray. He was worried about going because he didn't want to talk about that morning. It was so out of character for him. Interacting socially with another patient. Actually walking the halls during the early morning hours. He enjoyed it, but that wasn't what kept him from the lunch room. It was after the game. All those faces peering in on him. He still hadn't recovered from the fright he had.

"You were concerned about being surrounded again?" Sebastian guessed.

"There were so many people," Ruvik explained, though he didn't have to. "So close. Too close. I couldn't breathe while being enclosed like that. It was..."

"Suffocating," Sebastian finished for him. "I understand. It gets easier with time."

"How? How on earth is that supposed to become easy to handle?" Ruvik stood from his tray and dragged the chair back to his easel, then took a seat.

"What if I stood here, with you, and observed as you paint for the remainder of lunch," Sebastian suggested. "It'll help you adjust to being watched."

"It's not the same," Ruvik lowered his lids, looking to his paints as he began squeezing them out of the tubes and mixing them.

The unspoken sentiment hung in the air. It wasn't the same because Sebastian was different. It felt different to have him watch. But Ruvik didn't object to him standing there, his eyes scanning his every move as he stroked paint against the canvas. The only thing stopping the scenario from imitating his childhood was the feeling of a pair of hands on his shoulders and long hair dipping down from behind his neck.

But of course; that couldn't happen anymore.

He wondered if Sebastian would ever do that. Place his large, warm hands on his back. Lean down and whisper what a good job he was doing. Would it ever compare? Would it be...better? He wasn't certain. 

Sebastian looked over him with no small amount of admiration. This man was so reclusive that he openly refused to leave his room over a month ago. He ignored the very existence of anyone outside his room. Now he went to lunch almost every day and he was starting to exercise. He played a game with Leslie. He spoke more frequently with less anger in his voice. It was becoming a more soothing tone with each day, one he was enjoying listening to. 

"Time," Ruvik said aloud.

"Hmm?"

"Isn't your time up?" Ruvik pointed at the clock on the wall. Noon.

"I didn't even realize...where did the time go?" Sebastian chuckled. "I'll see you for our usual talk later."

Sebastian patted his shoulder twice before heading out the door. Such a simple gesture. And the warmth from it was so fleeting. It actually annoyed him to feel that and see him go. He wondered if he should have kept his mouth shut about his schedule. But he didn't want the intern to get in trouble. That would mean even less time around each other.

Ruvik nodded and continued painting for a moment longer. A sunset with the hill and the barn. Their barn. Where they used to play hide and seek. Tag. And then...his heart hurt thinking about it.

_**His inability to let go of his sister’s death is preventing this final wound from healing.** _

Those memories were ruining him. He needed to stop.

Ruvik squeezed a bunch of blue and black together before smearing it against the canvas with the palette knife, obliterating the colorful and nostalgic landscape. He sat back with a sigh. What now? If he could not fall back on his memories of Laura on the grounds that he wouldn't improve, then what could he possibly do? He had no other positive recollections to draw upon. And now he ruined a promising painting with a dark smudged sky against his orange and pink one.

A dark sky.

He sat forward with new vigor and began painting again.

*****

It was two hours before Sebastian returned to the room. He found Ruvik  lying down in his bed and asleep. He wondered if all the excitement of the day tuckered him out. A short nap wouldn't be bad for him. The only other change to the room was the painting. It was covered now. Curiosity started to creep up on him. He wanted to see it but didn't want to destroy the trust he'd earned with Ruvik. He put his hands in his pockets to keep from being tempted.

The phonograph wasn't playing. In fact, the recording of his sister was missing.

"What are you doing?" Ruvik asked, sitting up. He looked nervously to the easel and then relaxed.  "Did you even knock?"

"I did," Sebastian smiled.

"And the habit of watching me sleep continues?" Ruvik scowled, embarrassed.

"I wasn't stooped over you like a vampire coming in for the kill. I noticed you were tired, so I decided to wait a moment before waking you," Sebastian explained and eyed the player. "What happened to Clair de Lune?"

"It was beginning show degradation in its quality of sound. I've had it for...many years. I didn't want to damage it further," Ruvik told him his prepared lie.

"You could get it re-recorded. To a cassette player or something. I'd do it for you, if you wanted; no problem," Sebastian smiled sadly. "I know how important it is to your sleep patterns."

"No, I..." Ruvik took a breath and swung his legs out to touch the floor. "I'd rather you didn't. It's time I expanded my musical library in any case. One shouldn't spend all his time listening to the same thing..."

This was an admission from Ruvik he had not expected. Not this soon anyway. Sebastian pointed at the painting to ask without words if he could look. The patient looked hesitant, his eyes scanning the room. He seemed unsure by it. Ashamed of it. Sebastian nearly changed his mind, to tell Ruvik not to worry about it.

But he nodded his head

"Just don't get the wrong idea," Ruvik added as Sebastian was lifting it.

The painting had done a complete 180. It was no longer the landscape of blues, pinks and oranges. The hill he'd started was gone. The clouds were gone. In their place was a horizon of treetops. Blues, blacks, and greens. Above them were stars. Lots of them, none of them were specific conglomerations of stars except for the one.

"This is..." Sebastian started.

"Your constellation," Ruvik finished. "Your set  was easier to remember since it was brighter. I couldn't remember how mine went. It's not what you think..."

"It looks great."

"It’s nothing special I assure you," Ruvik pushed away his compliment. "I was going to paint over it..."

"Don't do that," Sebastian implored. "What do you usually do with these?"

After a few paint overs he usually gave it to Jimenez to let the other patients paint over. He assumed they were used up somewhere or ended up destroyed. He never kept them except for a select few under his bed. Over ten years and he only kept three paintings. All of them were Laura.

"Throw them out for the other patients," he told him.

"Could I have it?" Sebastian piped up. "I mean, it looks great and you're going to trash it anyway right? What's the title? Will you sign it?"

Ruvik wasn't sure. About a lot of things. Should he give it? Logically it seemed harmless enough. But it felt like giving a piece of himself away. A piece that could be analyzed and picked apart. The painting itself was safe. Leaving it in a psychotherapists hands...in Sebastian's hands…

"Fine, take it. It's signed on the back," Ruvik shrugged and hooded himself.

"But no title?" Sebastian held in in both hands.

"I didn't know the constellation."

"Sagittarius, The Archer," he revealed. "Always hits his mark."

Sebastian stood there admiring the painting with a grin. His first work of art. And it was made by Ruvik. He sat it on the easel and told Ruvik he'd pick it up after their walk that night. In the meantime, they went over the usual questions. How he felt physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Alert and without fatigue.

Mind unclouded.

But emotionally he balked, not certain if he should speak. Sebastian sensed it.

"These sessions are meant to be open and honest. Nothing you say will be shared outside this room," Sebastian said as he scribbled.

"Then could you put down your...notes? Off the record, if you wouldn't mind," Ruvik requested.

Sebastian put down the pencil and closed it in his book. He even put it in his pocket, so as to give Ruvik his complete attention.This meant a lot to Ruvik. Ruvik put his hands in his pockets and readied himself with a deep breath.

"I've been hearing Laura more frequently. Normally this is a source of fondness and reminiscence. But...now I feel..." Ruvik stopped.

Sebastian leaned forward. "Afraid?"

"Angry," he said and placed his hands on his forehead as if in pain. "Before she spoke only about abandoning her. She'd hold me tight and tell me how she adored me while tormenting my mind. Which was fine; I deserved it. But now it feels different...she's angry with me."

"When does this happen most?" Sebastian resisted the urge to pull his notebook.

He hesitated again, not willing to admit something.

"It's nothing I suppose," Ruvik withdrew. He stood from the bed and tried to pace. Sebastian grabbed his hand.

"Come on," Sebastian said. "Off the record. I won't even write it down later."

_//Yes Ruvik, confide in him. Like you used to with me. But he won't care; not like I did.//_

_//You told me everything. How much you loved me. How no one else could possibly suffice.//_

_//Will he hold you close like I did? No! He'll push you away!//_

_//Do you remember that time; in the barn? Tell me you remember.//_

"I can hear her now," Ruvik stared into a dark abyss. "She tries to remind me of the past. How wonderful it was. And it _was_ so wonderful. How could anyone else compare?"

"Anyone?" Sebastian whispered to himself.

"You aren't Laura. Not even close. She'd hold me tight, nuzzle into my neck, and tell me how sweet I was. I worshiped her every move. The way she pranced into a field. When she fell asleep on the chaise lounge with a book splayed on her chest. How she brushed her hair from her face in the morning. Every single freckle! I loved her!" he escalated in volume, then grew quiet. "God I loved her so much...and she loved me. I know she did. But now I...betray her..."

Sebastian couldn't speak. He wasn't sure he should. Ruvik squeezed the hand that held his. It was shaking.

"Normally, I'd enjoy nothing more than to throw your hand away. Hit you. Threaten you until you left me alone in my misery," Ruvik mumbled. "That would make Laura happy. She likes when I hurt others. She wouldn't worry if I were alone. But when you're here, it's as if she's scared."

"Is she scared or is it you?" Sebastian asked.

Ruvik laughed pathetically.

"I like to think that I'm above such weak and petty emotions," he told  him, but his hand remained clenched on Sebastian's. "But as much as it pains me, you may be right. I am afraid of many things. You. Laura. Myself...and now I don't feel well."

"Then maybe I should go, and let you rest," Sebastian stood and Ruvik reluctantly released his hand.

"I don't want to be alone right now," Ruvik blurted out and regretted it. "By this, I mean, listening to you talk about pointless things helps get my mind off of the past. Or don't. Just go. I'll manage."

Ruvik buried himself into layers upon layers of fabric. More barriers. More. It would be safer behind them all. Maybe he would put Laura back on the phonograph as a way to kill his guilt at being mad at her. Get a new canvas and paint another picture of her covered in sunflowers. Once he was alone he'd immediately begin drowning in despair. Like always.

There was pressure on the bed. And a hand pressed on his back, rubbing gently.

"Being scared is alright, you know?" Sebastian assured him. "It's normal. Whenever Lily was scared I'd hold her and rub her back. It always seemed to calm her down and make her feel better."

"Treating me like a child now?" Ruvik grumbled. But it did feel nice.

"I could give you a hug like I would her but I don't think you'd take kindly to it," he laughed.

There was a long pause as if Ruvik were considering it.

"You are probably correct," he finally answered.

"Another time then," Sebastian rubbed in circles. "Does this help? Even in the slightest?"

"It...does," Ruvik relaxed, his eyes lidded. He could easily go back to sleep this way.

_//Ruvik, why? You let this man touch you? Smile at you?//_

_//Hit him! Bite him! Scream!//_

_//He doesn't love you. No one does. Except for me, Ruvik.//_

"Silence Laura," he mumbled. "I never understood that..."

"Hmm?"

"She calls me Ruvik now...but she never called me that before..." he sighed and revealed his head out of the covers. "I was always Ruben...little Ruben."

No wonder he hated that name.

"Tell me about your family," Ruvik inquired to change the subject. "What were they like?"

Sebastian smiled. "You wouldn't have liked them. They were loud and always moving."

Lily had a big imagination and was constantly running from or chasing things. Her favorite stuffed animal was a white lion. It used to be Myra's when she was a child; it was orange then. Years of sun bleaching and washing made it especially pale. That lion could be found in every nook and cranny of the house.

Myra loved to read. Trashy romances mostly but he didn't mind. Her purse was never without a novel in it. She didn't like getting caught without a way to pass the time. Time doing nothing was time wasted. Ruvik nodded when he said that. He figured he would agree.

She was a terrible cook so he had to learn in self defense. To protect himself and his health. His favorite meal to cook for the family was a lemon chicken dish with green beans and rice. It was amazing. He hadn't cooked it in a long time since it was a big meal. There was no point cooking it just for himself.

"What about your friend? Doesn't he reside with you?" Ruvik asked.

"He's a vegetarian. I know, tragic," Sebastian sighed dramatically, looking up to the ceiling. "Plus, that recipe is special. It's no fun making it unless it's for...someone else. I'm sure you have similar feelings about things."

Ruvik nodded. "I used to play the violin."

"How long since you picked one up? That's a stupid question," Sebastian answered himself.

"I played for a while after my..." Ruvik swallowed. "...injuries healed. I had nothing after the fire. So playing made me feel better. For years I was content to do my scientific work in the comfort of my home and play music when I was down. Then I found...her record."

Ruvik closed his eyes, trying not to think about it. Looking through her things, refusing to accept that she was gone. He told himself lies upon lies to comfort himself. She was outside reading in the garden. Or playing hide and seek. She was on a trip somewhere in Europe and simply hadn't yet called.

But then he found the record. No label. He played it and then it all hit him. He would never see her again. She would never play the piano for him. Never laugh or tell jokes. He took in a deep breath and shuddered as it let out.

"Something happened. I fell down the proverbial rabbit hole and was consumed by darkness. Which way was up? Down? Was there even a way to escape? I lost myself completely. My father had me brought to this place shortly afterward and I have resided here ever since," Ruvik grit his teeth as tears streamed down his face. "Damn it all to hell."

"What?"

"Crying again. Like a child," Ruvik grumbled. "Pathetic."

Sebastian stopped rubbing and reached into his pocket for a handkerchief.

"Don't bother," Ruvik stopped him. "I still have one of yours."

Ruvik pulled it from under his pillow and wiped his eyes, covering most of his face to hide it. He must have been a sight; bundled up in blankets up to his neck, getting a back rub, and crying. And he just admitted to holding onto a monogrammed scrap of fabric under his head like a love-struck teen. It certainly couldn't get worse than this.

"I suppose I should return this," Ruvik wormed his arm out and extended it to him. Sebastian shook his head.

"Keep it. It's become important to you," he smiled. "I mean, you're keeping it under your pillow. So I guess that means you have a little crush on your doctor?"

Ruvik was stunned. What was he supposed to say to that? He couldn't admit that aloud. But his heart thumped in his chest, so loud he could hear it in his ears. So loud that it could block out Laura if she spoke again. Was he breathing? He couldn't tell. He just had to relax so he could refute this claim.

Breathe in then out. Speak.

"It's alright if you do," Sebastian interrupted with a laugh and patted his shoulder. "In the spirit of honesty, I like you a bit too."

He definitely could not breathe then. His thoughts jumbled together and pushed against his skull. Heart was racing. Ruvik tried swallowing and found his throat was dry. Should he even dare look at his face? He clutched at his chest thinking his heart was in pain but it was just rapidly fluttering.

"There isn't much to like I'm afraid," Ruvik tried to be calm.

"I'm afraid you are sadly mistaken," Sebastian countered. "But now is not the time to argue. Our time is up."

Sebastian stood up, looking over his shoulder. Ruvik was not moving from the bed. He reminded him of the evening walk before leaving and closing the door behind him. He expected the thundering in his ears to subside after Sebastian left. It did not. The pulsing continued  for a while yet, drowning out any other sound, including his breathing.

_**“It's alright if you do.”** _

It was?

_**“I like you a bit too.”** _

Really? Why?

Ruvik held the kerchief taut in his hands trying desperately to think but his brain was clogged. What could Sebastian possibly find worth liking about him. He was rude. Abrasive. A reclusive wretch that jumped at shadows and the spark of a lighter. And his hideous face. How he could look on it and not shudder was amazing, let alone find something attractive in it. Unthinkable.

He couldn't deny that he'd dreamed about Sebastian in a romantic fashion. But he learned long ago to ignore his daydreams as they were just that; fantasies. They could not or should not happen. Sebastian's hands on his skin, not afraid of his misshapen features. Cupping his face. Stroking his chest. He could imagine Sebastian reveling in the feel of Ruvik with an amorous smile and hot breath. The thought made him swallow nervously.

Ruvik felt pathetic that most of what he wanted was simply to be touched without trepidation. Held. Caressed. Kissed. He felt a stir below he'd not felt in years. Yearning. When was the last time he touched...himself?

"No," he told himself. "Falling prey to basic cravings like a common man? Have some respect for yourself."

Someone could come in at any moment. The last thing he needed was someone seeing him in such a compromising position. He could just die from shame. No, he could control this urge. For now he held Sebastian's handkerchief and inhaled deeply, relishing in the smell of coffee and tobacco.

It was a mistake.

He inhaled again; hungrily. It smelled so good. It brought Sebastian's face to the forefront of his thoughts so when he closed his eyes it was like the doctor was right there; breathing next to him. Ruvik bit at his lip, smelling him, as he reached down. He couldn't stop now if he wanted to.

His fingers grasped himself below his waistband and all he could see was Sebastian holding him there. Stroking slowly so Ruvik could feel how much he enjoyed touching him. That he was drawing it out as long as possible. God, why hadn't he done this sooner? It felt amazing.

Ruvik sighed deeply, the scent of Sebastian entering his body. It made him shiver as he squeezed his hard-on. The sighs developed into a pant. He was getting close; a moment more and he'd be done.

"Seb," he moaned into the handkerchief, muffling his exasperated groan as his body shook.

He came hard. It was almost painful since he hadn't done such a thing in years. The relief from it though made his body into jelly. His entire body felt weak as he tried to get his breath under control. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been this light-headed. A decade, at least.

And now he'd have to change clothes. He sighed as he got up to find something clean to wear.

*****

Sebastian leaned on the patient's door. He told him. He actually said he liked his patient. This was the road he promised himself he wouldn't go down. The road that Joseph tried to warn him about. He called himself an idiot. Foolish. Stupid. And any number of other names to punish himself.

Part of him was glad though. The feeling was mutual. Ruvik had a thing for him. Why else keep his kerchief? It made him smile knowing that Ruvik treasured it enough to hide it under his pillow. Ruvik finally had someone in his life he cared about, though it seemed difficult for him to admit this fact.

Before Sebastian could push himself off the door he heard something. Was that...panting? For a moment he feared Ruvik was having a panic attack or an episode. Then he heard it. His name and a muffled moan.

"He's..." Sebastian whispered in realization, excitement pooling into his stomach.

Sebastian quickly walked to the nearby staff bathroom, went inside, and locked it behind him. He could hardly believe it. He figured Ruvik wasn't a sexual person, that he didn't care much for the physical part of relationships. That Ruvik was drawn more to the emotional part of if. Which was completely okay with Sebastian. He didn't expect Ruvik Victoriano to indulge in masturbatory fantasies. Touching himself in the dark, thinking of Sebastian, even groaning his name as he…

Sebastian wanted nothing more to do it as well. He'd have to wait until he got home. He couldn't do it now; the walls here were paper thin. He didn't want to risk being heard like the way he eavesdropped on Ruvik. For now he'd just have to wait for his boner to go away before exiting the bathroom. Wash his face and hands slowly. Dry them with no sense of urgency. This provided enough time for him before leaving and going about his day.


	8. Chapter 8

Ruvik showed up on time for the walk. Sebastian barely finished his first cigarette before he showed, hands in his pockets and looking bored. Sebastian noticed the way he avoided his gaze. At least his hood was down.

"Ready?" Sebastian asked, putting away his lighter. Ruvik merely nodded.

The laps were just like before but Ruvik monitored his speed better. He would still lose, this he knew, but at least it would be by a much smaller margin. One minute was preferable to four. They were both sweaty and breathing a little heavy as they cooled down on the bench. Sebastian handed him a water bottle and drank from his own.

Things were especially quiet between them. Each one giving off an uncomfortable vibe for different reasons. Sebastian attempted some small talk to ease the tension.

"Lots of clouds tonight. A shame since I never got to show you a few of my favorite constellations," Sebastian drank. "If they weren't here you could see Scorpius. Right there. Sagittarius is firing an arrow at it. A greek story actually. It starts with-"

"I'm not really in a mood for stories," Ruvik interrupted.

"Sorry," Sebastian apologized with a weak smile. "Is there something you  _would_ like to talk about?"

"Your declaration," Ruvik hit the nail on the head. The very topic Sebastian was trying to avoid.

"Oh..."

"You've forgotten?" Ruvik frowned with raised brows.

"No...I just didn't think you'd want to talk about it," Sebastian scratched the back of his head. "We're pretty alone so now's the best time I suppose. What about it did you want to talk about?"

"Your intentions," he said suspicious of Sebastian.

"My intentions? Well," Sebastian straightened up and cleared his throat. "None if you'd prefer it. I was out of line to tell you, my patient, I harbored an interest in you. It puts you on the spot considering I'm in a position of power over you. It would be unprofessional of me, not to mention illegal, to pursue my interests in you while I work here. That being said..."

"That being said?"

"I do want to pursue you," Sebastian looked at him with a smile, making Ruvik turn pink.

"Foolish," Ruvik turned away, trying to appear annoyed.

"Very foolish but everyone is a bit foolish compared to a genius like yourself," Sebastian laughed. "Foolish seems like the appropriate descriptor for me anyway."

"Why?" Ruvik looked at the ground, pretending to be interested in the dirt beneath his feet.

"Why do I want to pursue you? You're smart; beyond smart. You have a great, albeit dark, sense of humor. Kind despite your attempts to prove otherwise," Sebastian looked over and Ruvik was turning redder by the compliment. "Too much? Then you won't want to hear this; I also happen to find you physically attractive."

"But I'm-"

"Scars and all," Sebastian cut him off.

"Liar," Ruvik fought back his fluttering heart and nervous tongue. He covered his ears. "Liar, liar, liar!"

Ruvik held his hands tight to his head. It couldn't be true. This was some cruel trick of his mind. That's right. He was probably asleep in his room. Laura was messing with him; she was always messing with him. They hadn't walked yet. He just needed to wake up. He needed…

A pair of warm hands on his own. Soft dark hair on his face as foreheads touched. He waited for another pair of hands like she always did. Ones that gripped tight, impaling him with sharp nails. And the screaming laugh as he writhed. He waited for them and the smell of burning wood to choke his breathing but they never came.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" Sebastian asked, his breath close to Ruvik's face. "Always denying your own happiness. Can you not imagine yourself content and cared about?"

Ruvik could imagine it but that didn't make it real. That didn't make it possible. It was reckless and harmful to rely on false hope that way. Painful even. So he simply stopped doing it. Was Sebastian saying it was possible?

“No, never. Never again,” Ruvik squeezed his eyes shut. “Lies…”

"What makes you think I'm a liar?" Sebastian asked. "I can prove I'm not, if that helps you believe me."

"Yes, I need proof," Ruvik spoke. Evidence to the contrary. He could always believe empirical facts. Precise data. Something irrefutable. If Sebastian could provide him with that, he might be able to believe him.

Sebastian folded his hands into Ruvik's to pull them from his head and placed them into his lap. The patient looked at him, watching, waiting for this proof. He then took Ruvik's face into his hands and lowered his lips to his.

A kiss.

It had been so long. But it still felt as good as he remembered it. Sebastian leaned in and pulled on Ruvik's neck to deepen the kiss. The taste of coffee and smokes were not lost on Ruvik as Sebastian's tongue explored his mouth.

Screw that handkerchief. Screw drinking from a cup. He'd never do it again if he could stick his tongue down Sebastian's mouth at any given time and simply taste it for himself. It was infinitely better than he could have hoped.

Sebastian was pleasantly surprised to find Ruvik was pressing forward as well. He could deny his feelings all he wanted but Ruvik wanted to dive down his throat with the way he was kissing back. His hands began to reach out for Sebastian's coat to anchor himself but before that could happen he ended the kiss.

They gasped and stared for a moment, eyes wide. It took that long for Ruvik to realize what just happened.

"I..." Ruvik had no words.

"Is that proof enough?" Sebastian asked, a little flushed himself. "I hope it is, because I can't exactly do this whenever I want; since it could get me fired and thrown out of medical school."

"It..." Ruvik blinked, trying to gather his thoughts. "It is more than s-satisfactory proof...I believe you."

"Now, I can't do this again or I'll risk royally screwing myself," Sebastian told him. "I still work here. But maybe after I graduate we can...continue? How's that sound?"

Sebastian was looking at him with the most hopeful look in his eyes. As if he'd just proposed and was waiting in the limbo of time between the question and answer. Did Ruvik want to continue? Did Sebastian think he was stupid? Of course he did but he didn't want to look too eager. He had his dignity to uphold.

He coughed and looked away before answering.

"I suppose," Ruvik mumbled. "It's not like I'm going anywhere."

"You're so zealous and impassioned I can't stand it. Please, try to contain yourself," Sebastian joked while standing back up. He extended a hand to lift Ruvik to his feet. Ruvik ignored it and stood up on his own.

"I'm simply behaving as I normally would," Ruvik explained.

"Cute, you don't want me to get in trouble," Sebastian grinned. Ruvik furrowed a suspicious brow at the word 'cute'.

"You do realize once you graduate, if you begin working here our situation remains the same?" Ruvik reminded him and started walking towards the door. "You will have to work somewhere else and come here as a visitor. Even then I'm not certain you wouldn't be wasting your time on me."

"You're such a downer," Sebastian poked at his shoulder and Ruvik pulled his arm away from the offending finger.

"A pragmatist is not the same as a 'downer'," Ruvik commented back.

Once they arrived at the door to go inside Sebastian waved him on. He'd meet him in fifteen minutes after a smoke or two. Ruvik nodded and went inside quickly to avoid the flash of Sebastian's lighter. He touched his lips as he walked down the hall. There was still a hint of coffee lingering on his skin when he licked his lips.

Despite the scarring Sebastian kissed his lips. He hungered for more as they tasted each other. Sebastian's lustful tongue dove deep, demanding more of his mouth. He wanted Ruvik. It felt strange being the subject of desire. Strange but not bad.

"Evening," spoke someone waiting at the washroom door. Joseph again.

"Evening," Ruvik repeated taking his hand from his mouth.

He unlocked the door for him. Joseph found that Ruvik did not look as intimidating as the night before. His brow wasn't turned down for what looked like a permanent glare. His eyes were focused on thought. He seemed to be somewhere else, hardly paying any attention to Joseph at all. Joseph had to clear his throat to get his attention so that he would take the towels from him.

"It's none of my business, but are you alright?" Joseph asked as Ruvik took the towels.

"You're right; it isn't any of your business," Ruvik said back but shook his head and answered him nonetheless. "Just lost in thought."

"That sounds familiar," Joseph sighed. "I'll be here until you're finished."

Ruvik started the water and let it stream down his body. He wondered how Sebastian would feel if he'd seen him, all of him. Would he still find his body attractive? Maybe. He said he liked far more than just the his appearance.

Smart. Funny. Kind. At least, one of those he could agree with.

Ruvik looked at the reflective surface of the shower wall. Thin and average height. A barely noticeable definition of muscles. Scarring up his legs, torso, his arms...he closed his eyes; he hated looking at himself. Hideous. He scrubbed his body as if he could wash the marks away if he tried hard enough.

Joseph hummed quietly as he pulled out his phone and tapped at buttons until a text formed.

_-Something's wrong with your patient. He seems out of it.-_

He waited a moment before he received a response.

**-He's fine. Adjusting to his exercise regimen.-**

_-You sure? Seems dazed.-_

**-Normal response, all things considered.-**

It seemed strange. He would usually show more concern over his 'star' patient. Asking for what seemed off or specific behavior qualities to write in his little notebook. Strange. Sebastian was trying to hide something. Some kind of secret. Ruvik's hand to his lips. Joseph's eyes widened as it hit him.

_-You didn't.-_

**-Not a good time Joe. Don't bother him.-**

_-You did!-_

**-Stop Joe. Before you get us both in trouble.-**

He couldn't believe this. Joseph could spit actual nails he was so angry. He told him not to do this. He was ruining his career for a...a...fling! He wanted to storm out that minute, down the hall, and find Sebastian. Beat the living hell out of him. Make him come to his senses like that night he crashed his car. Would a punch work this time too?

How could he do this to them? A relationship with a patient was...he could be fired. Sued. Barred from the medical field. All of the above. All because he liked this problem patient? Why couldn't he just…

Joseph clenched his jaw when he realized where his thoughts were going. Why couldn't he just date him instead?

"Damn it all," Joseph whispered. He thought he'd let this go already.

The water turned off and Joseph straightened out his scowl before Ruvik could turn the corner.

What was so special about this patient? Coarse. Antagonistic. Deformed. Joseph looked to the ground disappointed in himself with his last thought. He was trying to come up with reasons he looked better by comparison, so he took the cheapest shot possible; Ruvik was hideous where he at least was attractive.

"Finished?" Joseph asked.

Ruvik nodded.

They let themselves out and he locked the door as Ruvik walked quietly away. He wanted to hate him. The thief who stole the man he fell in love with. But he hadn't done a thing to Joseph; it wasn't his fault Sebastian was a fool. It was wrong to be hostile towards him but he didn't care. He needed to talk to Tatiana about it; she always seemed to know what to say.

*****

Sebastian went to Tatiana's desk and picked up Ruvik's meds after his smoke break. He eyed the sign out sheet for the long stay wing. How interesting to read that only Tatiana and Joseph were still signed in. The next shift wouldn't be there for another hour. He smacked himself when he had the thought; he could do an awful lot in an hour.

He strolled down the hall and passed by Joseph. He 'wanted' to stop and talk/argue but Sebastian shook the little cup of meds to show him he was busy. He didn't have time for squabbles in the hallway. But he'd be hearing it later, eventually. There was no way to avoid it forever.

Knock. Knock.

"Enter," Ruvik answered, awake this time.

"Your medication sir," he said as he entered.

He took it and swallowed it down quickly, handing back the cup.

"I will see you tomorrow," Sebastian smiled with a nod.

"A moment," Ruvik asked.

Sebastian turned to see Ruvik gesturing to the chair. He brought it to the bed and sat in it. He leaned forward, ready to hear what Ruvik had to say. But he didn't say anything. Ruvik took a deep breath and removed his shirt, revealing his old wounds.

Scarring traveling down his neck and the center of his chest. There was another island of scarring travelling down his left ribs and stomach. He stood and turned to show his the marks down his back as well. They were extensive and not healed as well as the ones in front. He refused to show his face after turning, ashamed by his skin.

It was only after he stood up that Sebastian noticed he was wearing a pair of boxers instead of pants. His legs were discolored with old wounds as well. Even his feet were burned, leaving none of the original skin. How many skin grafts? How many years in the hospital feeling that pain?

"You've only seen my face. My hands. I thought..." Ruvik explained.

"Thought what? I would change my mind?" Sebastian shook his head. Ruvik nodded.

He approached the burned man and placed his hands on his shoulders. He was tense in response. Sebastian leaned forward.

"You're going to freeze if you don't put your clothes back on," Sebastian's husky whisper graced his ear. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you."

"Are you serious?" Ruvik asked. "Maybe you're the one with a mental defect...to think this scrawny, disfigured mess is attractive."

"I think it's more of an opposites thing. I'm a burly, scruffy, dog. You're one of those naked cats; the ones with the cute wrinkles," Sebastian spoke, taking a deep breath of the soap Ruvik used. His ear was tempting just sitting there.

"So I'm the pedigree and you're the mutt? That _is_ rather comforting," Ruvik smirked, maintaining regal bearing.

"I don't mind being a dog," Sebastian muttered and licked his ear, making his nice posture melt slightly.

"I thought you said-," Ruvik said with a disappointed tone.

"You're right, completely unprofessional. My apologies," Sebastian told him. "I'll just have to go home and think about doing it instead. See you tomorrow."

Sebastian gave him a big squeeze of a bear hug before turning, picking up his new painting, and waving goodbye. Ruvik climbed into his bed and into the covers before Sebastian could open the door. He opened his mouth to say something, so Sebastian waited a moment before leaving.

He shook his head. "Nevermind. Tomorrow then."

"Sleep well. See you at breakfast?" he asked.

"We'll see," Ruvik mumbled and rolled into his blankets.

"Good night, Ruvik," Sebastian placed his hand on the doorknob. It was the first time since he’d been stabbed that he’d called Ruvik by name.

"Good night," Ruvik paused. "Seb."

Sebastian opened and closed the door gently behind him. He felt good with the painting under his arm and his heart lifted high. It felt nice to finally hold him without thrashing or screaming at phantoms. Sebastian beamed the whole way to the nurse station. He even called him Seb.

He signed out at the desk. Joseph was sitting at the back waiting for him. That was right; he was coming back to the apartment today. His outlook suddenly soured thinking about the argument that would arise later. Tatiana looked up and saw the painting under his arm.

"A gift from a patient?" she asked. "How lucky."

"Yeah, he was just going to throw it away. Imagine that," Sebastian put on a happy front and showed it to her. "I love stars so it seemed like destiny. Said I could have it."

"It looks wonderful," she nodded. "Very skilled. I'm envious."

He somehow doubted that since her inflection didn't change in the slightest as she spoke. But he agreed with her. It did look wonderful. She turned to type into the computer, clacking keys quickly with nary a look down at her fingers.

"You said thank you, of course. Perhaps you should give them a return gift," Tatiana suggested. Sebastian could see Joseph simmering in annoyance nearby. He did not approve.

"I might," he smiled. "Ready to head home Joe?"

"Yeah," he managed as he stood up. He nodded at Tatiana, something unspoken between them.

The ride home was silent. Sebastian didn't even reach for the radio dial to put on music. He was ready for an onslaught of Joseph's concerns. Prepared to defend his actions or explain them if need be. He knew what he was doing. But the ride remained quiet until they approached their street.

"Are you stupid?" Joseph asked.

"Here we go," Sebastian rolled his eyes as they pulled into the lot. "Come on, let's hear it."

"I mean it. Are you trying to throw your career down the toilet when you're this close to finishing?" Joseph adjusted his glasses and took a deep breath.

"It was only a kiss," Sebastian shrugged. No one saw them.

Joseph flinched; in anger. Now that Sebastian knew his best friend’s secret it was all too easy to see the jealousy on his face. How did he miss it before?

"God, how many people have ruined their lives on the notion of 'it's just a kiss'?" Joseph looked at him. "Nothing is ever 'just a kiss'. You're trying to become a doctor, Seb. You do realize he could get you fired? Just like that. All he'd have to say is that you were inappropriate once. Just once. That's all. Doesn't even have to be true, though in this case it hardly matters now."

"Why do you care Joseph? It's not like you're doing any better. Aren't you with Tatiana? How is that any different?" Sebastian pulled the keys out and glared.

"We're not...Ms. Gutierrez is not a patient, Seb! She is a colleague; an equal. It's not the same and you KNOW that!" Joseph threw his hands up before pulling the door handle. It was locked. "Unlock the door."

Sebastian stared at him in disbelief. Hypocrite. Yell and then run away without listening to the other side.

"No, we're not done talking. Tell me how you really feel about it Joe?" he made himself comfortable.

"Why do I feel like I'm the only one who cares if you get fired or not? I should report you and if I didn't know you I would," Joseph stared seriously at him.

He'd never report him, Sebastian concluded. Not Joseph.

"What's stopping you? If it's as bad as you think it is then why not? Why not run to Jimenez?" Sebastian leaned in to answer him. "I’ll tell you why. Because you know it would be ruining the first taste of real happiness that I have felt in years. Years, Joe. And you don't want to do that because you want me to be happy. You're just mad that it isn't with you."

"What? No! You think I'm jealous?" Joseph flinched at the implication.

"I really do," Sebastian nodded.

The car got quiet as Joseph swallowed the words he was going to fight with. He didn't think Sebastian would ever pick up on it. And now that it was out in the open he didn't want to admit it. Didn't want to admit his feelings for Sebastian. Didn't want to admit he was wrong.

Sebastian continued to stare him down, waiting for the truth. Joseph's resolve was crumbling and it showed in the way his eyes darted around looking for an exit.

"I..." Joseph stumbled. "I just...it's not..."

Sebastian softened with a sigh.

"Joe, I know you care; a lot. And I'm grateful. But this is one of those times where you need to let me make my own decisions. Or mistakes as the case may be," Sebastian added. "You can't take care of me forever."

"You'll get caught," Joseph told him, looking down at his feet, unable to meet his gaze. "Or things won't go as planned. You'll end up hurt in the end. Again."

"That's for me to find out. You can't interfere," Sebastian said firmly.

Joseph clenched his jaw, wanting to say more. Sebastian was right about some things. But he still didn't approve. And he was still Sebastian’s friend. He needed to be there for him when things went south. All he could do is support him.

"We good? No more arguments about this?" Sebastian asked.

Joseph nodded. "No more arguments on this particular topic."

"Always looking for a loophole," Sebastian shook his head with a sigh and a smile. "Same old Joe. You'll never change. You're cooking tonight, right?"

He unlocked the doors and they walked up to their place together. There was still some awkward air between them but at least they talked. Joseph made his thoughts known and Sebastian stood his ground.

He went to his room while Joseph cooked in the kitchen, some vegetable casserole he could smell from across the apartment. Lots of cheese. He could deal with the lack of meat. They would likely talk more that night during dinner but it wouldn't be as charged as before. He could handle that.

Things were different between them now. Sebastian couldn't really describe it. A fissure had opened up and kept them from connecting like they used to. He wasn't sure when it happened. It was long before they started working at Beacon. Before the fire? Maybe, but he hadn't really noticed. His eyes weren't open then. If he only knew then what he knew now; he probably would have seen it happening.

It hardly mattered now. If they were diverging into different directions then that was that. They could still be friends but not like they were. They were past the point of fixing it; the dominoes had been pushed. Sebastian had no regrets about his choices.

Joseph called him in for dinner. They ate quietly with the radio on, listening to a talk show.

"So, you and Tatiana," Sebastian started. "It's not what I think, is it?"

"Depends on what you think is going on," Joseph said between bites.

"I thought maybe you two were...intimate," Sebastian told him.

"We are, but it's not like that. We don't...do anything, really," Joseph started to changed color. "She comforts me when I'm feeling down. She listens to me talk."

He didn't mention how she'd hold him, his head close to her chest. Tatiana would hum and twirl her fingers in his strands of dark hair.  Joseph's arms would wrap around her waist as he buried his face in her. When he was particularly stressed she straddled his lap and kissed him with gentle pecks as she massaged his chest. When they first started he accidentally called Sebastian's name in a gasp as they made out but she didn't mind. She gave him a little smile and continued.

Sometimes she smelled like cigarettes. He hated that smell most times but when kissing her...it was good.  He supposed it was what kissing Sebastian was like. He blinked the memory away; it wasn’t appropriate dinner conversation and he was trying hard not to dwell on his roommate.

"So you're not..."

"No, we're just friends, I suppose," Joseph responded, not even sure what to call it.

"That's good though, right? You're making new friends," Sebastian tried to take it out of awkward territory.

"Yeah," Joseph smiled. "I guess so. Your patient…”

Sebastian waited for the inevitable comment. The one telling him again what a bad idea it was.

“He seems different lately...your doing, I guess. He’s not as bad as I thought he was. He reminded me of Myra earlier. Told me to mind my own business basically. Not in a rude way but very forward and stern,” Joseph picked at his food.

“You didn’t bring up-”

“No, no. I just asked if he was feeling okay. I didn’t realize you liked aloof people,” Joseph drank from his cup.

“Not aloof; more like composed. And it’s not a preference. Myra was never like that. She was very open. Said anything and everything that was on her mind, whether you wanted to hear it or not,” Sebastian laughed. “Remember when you first met her?”

Joseph smiled. “She told me my frames made me look like an old man. I didn’t believe her.”

“But then you went and got new ones the next week,” Sebastian chuckled.

“I was due for new lenses,” Joseph explained. “Coincidence.”

“Right,” Sebastian rolled his eyes with a grin.

Sebastian missed these kinds of talks. It was as close to the old days as they could get anymore. He wondered if Joseph felt it too; the divide between them. They could yell across the canyon and be heard but they couldn’t actually touch anymore.

“Do you miss her?” Joseph asked, looking down at his plate.

“Of course,” Sebastian said, doing the same. “I miss them both. Everyday. But dwelling on it does more harm than good. Only the good memories. That’s what I spend time thinking about when I’m down. “

“You’ve been down a lot less recently. I’ve noticed,” Joseph cleared his plate, placing the utensils on top. “I’m glad.”

The rest of dinner was quiet and afterwards Sebastian washed the dishes in the sink. Joseph retired to his room which gave Sebastian the opportunity to grab a beer or three from the fridge without comment. He probably didn't have to bother being sneaky about it. He doubted Joseph even noticed that Sebastian bought another twelve-pack the other night. Half of them were gone already.

But no nagging Joseph. Maybe he was finally laying off.

Sebastian set up his new painting on top of his dresser for the time being. A drunk man probably shouldn't try to hang a painting. And he probably shouldn't do it late at night with neighbors sleeping. So on top of the dresser it went, next to a framed photo of his lost family.

"Myra...Lily..." he said sadly.

He looked at the calendar on the wall. Next week. Next week was the anniversary. He wondered if he should go or not. He was doing well despite the occasional nightmare. Going to see them might only stir up his bad memories again. And he hated going alone. Usually Joseph went with him but things were shaky between them. Joseph would go if he asked but he wasn't sure he wanted to ask it of him. It didn’t seem fair.

He wondered how Ruvik felt about visiting his own deceased family. From the way he talked about it, he probably never went to Laura's grave. It would have made it too real. If he didn't go he could deny her death for as long as possible. Would he go now, all these years later?

Sebastian dropped the last empty can into his trash bin before rolling over into his bed. He could see the starry painting from his place on the bed. He wished he had something to give Ruvik in return. Sebastian was no artist. He couldn't paint, make, or photograph anything to save his life.

"I'll think of something," he assured himself and then drifted off to oblivious sleep.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

The following week went better than he hoped. He expected some awkward conversations. He expected there to be a weird air between them at lunch. But things went as they always had. Ruvik sat stoic and reserved as he ate. Sebastian calm and collected as he did the crossword. Leslie made train noises at his apple juice. Normal.

The only real change was that Ruvik periodically came out at breakfast to play chess with Leslie. He didn't talk to anyone, sometimes he didn't even talk to Leslie. He'd just show up, Leslie would set up the board in that excited child way, and they'd start playing. When they finished Leslie and Sebastian went to the group therapy while Ruvik retired to his room until lunch.

It became habit. Even their walks at night became routine. The only change there was that Ruvik slowly improved his time. He was beginning to do sit ups in his room but withheld that information from Sebastian. He was self conscious about Sebastian seeing his body again and felt the least he could do was tone it a little to bolster his confidence.

Ruvik was quiet most of the time. Eyes analyzing as much as Sebastian's own. It wasn't difficult for him to figure out that something was stressing his doctor out. His doctor; had a good ring to it. The evidence of discord was subtle. A few times Sebastian was late on a response by a mere second or so, his eyes were somewhere in the distance thinking. It took him nearly the whole week to ask him about it and he did it after one of their runs.

"You seem distracted, doctor," Ruvik commented. He'd gone back to being formal.

"Really?" Sebastian asked. "Is it obvious?"

Ruvik nodded seriously and Sebastian sighed, scratching his head while leaning back on the bench.

"Yesterday, was," Sebastian had trouble with the words he wanted to use. "I was supposed to go see my family yesterday."

"At which cemetery?" Ruvik asked, curious.

"Misty Pines," Sebastian told him.

"Why didn't you go?" Ruvik wondered.

"Who's supposed to be the therapist here?" Sebastian laughed. "I've never been able to go alone. And I couldn't ask Joe to go with me. We're not getting along like we used to. So I just...I skipped it this year."

"I see," Ruvik nodded. "I never went to visit Laura. I never even considered doing so. I'm not even certain whether my father interred her or not. He might have had her cremated; how ironic.”

"Would you go if you knew?" Sebastian asked.

"I have no idea. It's been so long," Ruvik looked at the stars. "What would I do there in any case? Cry and feel sorry for myself? It wouldn't be very productive."

"I do it to keep their memory but this year is an important one for me to keep focus. I might go see them after I graduate. Tell them I succeeded. Imagine them being proud of me," Sebastian drank his water. "Maybe go out drinking afterwards."

"With whom?" Ruvik asked sarcastically.

"Good point," he sighed with a laugh. "Maybe just stay home then."

It was quiet again for a while. Their conversations were always longer in the evening than during the day. Less people made Ruvik open up and speak more openly, though he maintained his detached nature. They were taking steps to get him to loosen up.

"How are you feeling lately, Ruvik?" Sebastian asked, looking at his face; or at least, trying to since his hood was up.

He only called him Ruvik when they were completely alone. Anywhere inside the facility he always referred to him as Mr. Victoriano. It was a sort of sign to show he wanted to talk privately.

"Well as could be expected," Ruvik told him.

Sebastian scooted over a little and raised a hand to Ruvik's face. His fingers pinched at the fabric and lowered the hood. 

"Sorry, I prefer to see your face when you talk. Continue," Sebastian sat back and looked at him.

"I, uh. Ahem," Ruvik cleared his throat and calmed his fluttering heart. "Sleeping well. Less episodes. Your regimen seems effective."

"That's cute, you thought I was asking about work stuff," Sebastian smiled.

"I...I..." Ruvik's face was turning red. "Inappropriate place and time, doctor."

"Seb. Call me Seb," he insisted. "At least, when we're alone. No one can hear us talk from here."

Sebastian loved seeing Ruvik this way. The walls of stone cold reserve crumbling at even the hint of flirting. Sebastian discovered Ruvik was not the heartless and emotionless person he portrayed. He was simply sensitive and afraid of being rejected or hurt. So it was easier to pretend not to care than to risk rejection. It was the reason Sebastian was very careful about the things he said and the words he chose when speaking.

"Very well. Seb," Ruvik coughed.

"I enjoy seeing you like this," Sebastian chuckled. "It's like you've never flirted before."

"I haven't had a need or desire," Ruvik claimed, stubbornly looking away.

"And now?" Sebastian leaned in, being careful enough not to touch, whispered low. "Have any needs or desires?"

Ruvik swallowed, trying not to choke on his tongue. The way he said 'desires', the rasp tickled at his ears and inflamed his imagination. If the doctor only knew the dreams he'd been having since before they kissed. After that event they only became more...detailed.

"A few dreams, perhaps," Ruvik finally answered, keeping a stoic face, reminding himself to keep cool.

"So serious," Sebastian copied his tone. "What I wouldn't give to hear you completely unraveled."

"Un-unraveled?" Ruvik stuttered, losing his cool momentarily.

"Yes, walls of stoicism obliterated. Face flushed. Knees weak. Breath ragged," Sebastian whispered as Ruvik's eyes closed to imagine it. "Begging for more."

"What makes you think I'd be the one begging?" Ruvik objected with a smirk.

"Oh-ho! Is that so?" Sebastian laughed and pat his shoulder. "I'm looking forward to it."

They walked together back to the building. As usual Sebastian promised to meet him after his shower. Normally Ruvik went in without a word but he stayed behind for a moment. After thinking things through he turned to Sebastian, who already lit a cigarette while his back was turned.

"After you graduate...Perhaps, I could accompany you when you visit your family," Ruvik looked to the ground.

Sebastian stared, not sure he'd heard correctly. He actually dropped the cigarette out of his mouth in awe.

"Are you sure?" Sebastian asked stepping forward.

Sebastian didn't ask if it was allowed; he didn't care.

"If I wasn't sure, I would not have offered," Ruvik looked to the side, his hands firmly in his pockets. "I will need special permission to leave the facility. And a strict schedule of when we leave and return. Numbers to contact. Jimenez will have to approve of it all."

"I'll get it," Sebastian said.

"You can try," Ruvik told him. "Nothing is certain; except death of course."

"Yes, of course," Sebastian chuckled and picked up his cigarette from the ground. He put it out in the ashtray before lighting a new one. Before he could look up Ruvik was already inside and walking down the hall to the shower room.

Sebastian was ready to burst with excitement and happiness; he wondered if it showed. Ruvik making an offer like that; it made him proud beyond all knowing. A day out of the hospital where they could be together. No judgmental roommates. No rules keeping them from doing any number of things. It would be a huge endeavor for Ruvik; being out in public like that. But Sebastian was sure he could handle it.

It was another thing to look forward to.

*****

"You?" Ruvik questioned as he came upon Tatiana waiting by the door.

"Yes, Mr. Victoriano," she said and opened the door. She gestured at it as if to say 'after you'.

"Where is that pathetic looking man? The one with the sour face," Ruvik asked as he entered. "Joe or something."

"Mr. Oda has asked for a reprieve from this duty for a short time," she enlightened him.

"Tired of my quips already," Ruvik mused.

"On the contrary. He didn't wish you to suffer his company as he is not feeling well," Tatiana explained. "He has nothing against you personally but his difficulties with Mr. Castellanos may be skewing his attitude towards the antagonistic."

"He's angry with Seb? What does that have to do with me?" Ruvik asked.

"How interesting...so informal with your doctor, Mr. Victoriano," Tatiana gave a light smile as she turned with the towels in her hands.

Ruvik bit his tongue instead of responding. Tatiana took her seat and produced a nail file from her pocket to work. She began filing away immediately as he turned the corner to take care of business.

Had he said too much already? What did the nurse know? She was always so quiet it was difficult to notice when she was there and when she wasn't. Even when she was there it seemed like she wasn't. How could anyone know if she was listening or not? He could feel himself stressing out.

If he asked what she knew, he'd only make himself more obvious. If she didn't know then, she'd know afterwards. A conundrum. Tatiana said nothing the entire time he cleaned up. And even when he was finished she was ever silent as he walked towards the exit and she followed.

She locked the door. And walked back to her station. If she knew she wasn't talking. Or maybe she simply didn't care.

"An enigma; that woman," Ruvik mumbled to himself as he walked back to his room for the evening, ready for sleep.

*****

Sebastian went in to pick up the medication at the nurses station and was surprised to find it empty. No Tatiana. No Joseph. It was strange as someone was supposed to man it at all times. So no one would take advantage of the dispensary.

He could hear the clicking of heels approaching.

"Ms. Gutierrez, where is your assistant?" Sebastian asked.

"Mr. Oda is resting in the nurse's office. I'm afraid he was looking a little green earlier," she told him as she went to the drug cabinet and prepared patient #1822's medication.

"Green," Sebastian repeated. With envy?

She handed him the medication and bid him goodnight. Perhaps he could check in on Joe later. He hurried down the hall to Ruvik's room and entered after knocking. The patient was sitting in his bed reading a book and for once the writing was in English. And numbers. Loads of numbers. Formulas that struck him as a little familiar.

"Organic chemistry?" Sebastian commented and handed the medication over.

"I'm surprised you know it," Ruvik closed the book and put it to the side before devouring the pills.

"I recognize it; doesn't mean I understand it. I'll leave it to geniuses like you," Sebastian looked down at him as Ruvik tried not to smile. He gave the cup back and looked down at the cover.

"I review it from time to time. I find it relaxing. A little light reading ," he commented.

"Light reading?" Sebastian laughed incredulously. "I'd hate to see what you'd call the books on my shelf..."

"Comic books," Ruvik raised a brow. "Or pornography."

"Well, you're not completely wrong," he laughed. "Hey, you told a joke! That was great!"

"Well, I..." Ruvik looked down embarrassed. "I don't have much experience with this."

"With what?"

"Being normal," Ruvik hid away behind his hood. "Stop looking at me. Embarrassing."

Sebastian took a seat on the bed and reached out, his fingers going behind the hood and touching his jaw. It was clenched in nervousness. He then used his thumb to rub Ruvik's cheek.

"You are far too gentle with me," Ruvik spoke.

"You'd prefer that I was rough?" Sebastian insinuated.

"That isn't what I meant," Ruvik leaned into the hand. "I meant to say, your kindness is more than I deserve considering all that I've done. I have not expressed even a fraction of compassion in my entire life as you have in the past few months. I have been cruel, offensive, prideful, and downright petty in my dealings with people. And felt no need to regret any of those actions. But now to see, feel, and hear you being so pleasant with me...it is strange. Like being rewarded for poor behavior."

"I could spank you if that helped," Sebastian joked.

"I would have it coming," Ruvik concurred.

"If you only knew how loaded that statement was," Sebastian grinned.

"Pervert," Ruvik grumbled while rolling his eyes.

He badly wanted to pull his face close to his own and kiss it again. Sebastian let go of his cheek and said good night. Ruvik looked disappointed to see him go. Doing something there, right then would have been nice. Forbidden things, in a forbidden place, with the chance of being caught. It sounded exciting and taboo.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Sebastian nodded.

"Yes, tomorrow," Ruvik answered.

"Come on, say it..." Sebastian leaned in really close.

"Good night, Seb," Ruvik spoke low in his ear. It made him weak to say it to his face.

Sebastian whispered back, "Sleep well, Ruvik."

Ruvik buried himself in blankets as Sebastian left. Another night of blissful sleep awaited him. Finally he'd gotten to the point where he looked forward to dreaming. No longer were his dreams filled with smoke, fire, and ash. No, when he dreamed it was the smell of trees, the feel of a night breeze, the sparkling stars twinkling about, and a large scruffy Sebastian above him.

His large hands clasped down on his wrists. Sebastian's face nuzzling into his neck tasting the flesh there. Ruvik gasping and groaning in anticipation as one of the hands touched his body. Lower. And Lower. Then Sebastian's tongue in his mouth to quiet him as he stroked him. Ruvik could taste the coffee behind Sebastian's chuckles of contentment.

Delicious.

*****

Another month passed and in that time Joseph moved out. It was sudden but not a surprise to Sebastian. They hadn't argued or anything like that but the distance between them was growing and both men needed their own space. Sebastian was glad Joseph was branching out but left him with a new roommate he didn't really know.

"I already found someone to take over the room," Joseph adjusted his glasses. "A woman, so I imagine you won't mind. Her name is Juli or something. Criminal Science Major. She should be here in about five minutes. And she'll move her things in by Monday."

Sebastian simply nodded to show he was listening. He was busy typing on his computer as Joseph talked in the door-frame. When he looked up he spotted Joseph staring at the picture of his family. And then the calendar. He was doing his best to ignore the painting entirely.

"I forgot about the anniversary. Did you go?" Joseph asked sincerely.

"I didn't even realize I missed it until now," Sebastian responded while messing with the parameters of the margin spacing. "I think someone's knocking on the door."

It was a heavy knock, the kind that freezes blood when you hear it. He remembered a knock like that years before, when the cops showed up at the college. His phone was off. Testing. And that cop knocked hard on the classroom door.

_**“We couldn't reach your number.”** _

_**“We have some bad news.”** _

_**“Nothing could be done.”** _

_**“I'm sorry for your loss.”** _

Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut to focus on better memories. Myra in her wedding dress, tons of sequins and a blue ribbon tied around her wrist. The cake was chocolate under the white icing. They'd ordered vanilla. Uncle Simon ballooned up like a puffer-fish. They got a refund on the cake because of it but they didn't mind. Everyone loved it. Except for Simon of course.

"Juli right? I'm Joseph, let me show you the room," Joseph said in the entryway.

Sebastian peeked out and saw short brown hair with a no-nonsense expression walk in wearing black heels. Her face almost reminded him of Ruvik but not quite. It wasn't an uncaring stare; it was a focused one. Joseph gave her the tour of the house and reminded her the lease was only had a few months left. She didn't mind. She was graduating in a month like them.

"And this is your new roommate," Joseph stopped by his room last.

"Sebastian," he said and stood. She shook his hand firmly. She had a strong grip.

"Kidman, Juli," she said. "Doctors huh? Good luck. Your exams are harder than mine."

"Criminal Science?"

"Then the Police Academy afterwards and your exams will still be tougher even with the extra schooling tacked onto mine."

"Good luck to you too then," Sebastian nodded. "I have to get back to work."

"Understandable. I'll have my things moved in in a few days," she turned to Joseph and nodded before he showed her the door.

She seemed like a nice enough person although distant. And the kind that would mind her own business where her roommate is concerned. He wouldn't have to worry about bothersome nagging about his drinking or his job. It was a little bittersweet though. There was only a month or so left on the lease; Joseph could have made it that long couldn't he?

His boxes were by the front door; only four of them. Joseph packed light. Tatiana was coming by at noon to pick him and his things up. Sebastian could already feel the emptiness of the apartment closing in on him. He tried not to think about it.

All he needed to do right now was focus on his final paper. It was nearly finished but he still had about a week to turn it in. After that, at the end of the month, he'd have a series of exams. It was incredibly stressful to think about. And the one person he usually asked to look over his work was moving out. He leaned back, crossing his arms and tapping his foot while staring at the paper. He didn't usually smoke in his room but he was seriously considering it.

"If you need someone to proofread it, why not take it to your boyfriend?" Joseph said, with a hint of contempt in his voice.

"I just might," Sebastian quipped back. "He does have a couple doctorates...Actually, that is a great idea. Thanks, Joe!"

Joseph looked disheartened that Sebastian didn't object to the comment of boyfriend. And watched as he printed out a rough copy, paper-clipped it, and put it in a folder in his satchel. Sebastian slid a pile of different colored pens into the open bag without much ceremony and snapped it shut.

"Should I change before dropping by the hospital? I mean, it is the weekend. Casual should be fine right?" Sebastian asked as he pulled off his dirty t-shirt and tossed it in the hamper. He rummaged through the dresser to find another shirt. "Joe?"

"What?" Joseph woke up from staring at Sebastian's bare chest. "I, er. A polo. Wear a polo," he stammered and turned away. He'd just fall apart if he took his pants off in front of him. He felt silly giving Sebastian advice on clothes to wear for meeting with Ruvik. It was painful and slightly annoying.

Sebastian was oblivious to it as all he could think about now was how Ruvik would react to his casual appearance. Dark blue polo and khaki shorts exposing his hairy shins. A pair of grey canvas shoes to finish up the outfit. It was simple. No point in getting too dressy with it. He was just a visitor today, not an intern.

"Alright, see you at work Joseph. Good luck with your moving and stuff," Sebastian said in a hurry as he shouldered his bag and grabbed the keys from the wall.

He was out the door before he could speak.

"Bye," Joseph mumbled long after he was gone.

*****

"Doctor Castellanos? What brings you here today? Isn't it your day off?" Jimenez looked up from a nurse he was talking to. She was already scurrying off with a clipboard of new requests.

"Just visiting," he said. "Hoping for a little assistance reviewing my final report."

"Ah, well, I'm afraid I have much to work on currently. If you bring it in on Monday, I'd be more than happy to give it a look over," Jimenez placed his hands in his pockets and checked his pager.

"Right, of course," Sebastian suddenly remembered that Jimenez was also a highly qualified doctor. "Well, then maybe I'll just say hello to a few patients."

"Be sure to sign in. Since you work here, you can forgo the escort. I hope you know your way by now," Jimenez laughed.

Sebastian laughed with him, embarrassed by the fact he could have just as easily asked the Head Doctor at Beacon to check his paper. But he wouldn't. He didn't really care about Jimenez's interpretation. The only opinion he currently cared about was Ruvik's. He signed in and hurried down the hall towards Ruvik's room.

It was empty.

Where was he? He checked the cafeteria but it was mostly empty. Peeking into the dayroom revealed him sitting in a chair and looking out the window. Ruvik still bandaged his face when out during the day but more often began lowering his hood out in public areas. Leslie was sitting there too but playing with his toys, blocks again. How close could he get before one of them noticed him?

"Sebastian!" Leslie called out and waved. "Play! Play! Come play!"

Not very close apparently.

Ruvik looked towards him, stunned. He was confused to see him there. The casual attire certainly added to the feeling of surrealness. The lack of lab coat and professional clothes made him look strange. But the short sleeves exposed his forearms. And the shorts allowed Ruvik to scan his legs. He really was a specimen. Sebastian approached while waving back.

"What are you doing here?" Ruvik asked, trying not to stare too long.

"Play games! Games!" Leslie stood and grabbed Sebastian's hand, pulling him to the table chairs.

"Hands to yourself Leslie," Ruvik eyed him and Leslie sat down to play with his blocks.

"Hoping for a little of your insight," Sebastian shuffled his bag around and went through it. "Ever graded a paper before?"

 

Ruvik and Sebastian went outside into the courtyard. It was a little sunny so they sat under the shade of a large tree to avoid the bright rays. They both leaned up against the trunk but with enough distance as to not draw attention. Sebastian looked over Ruvik's way a few times to see how the checking was going.

"Are you certain you wish to allow the subject of your paper to review your writing?" Ruvik asked but he was already scanning through it.

"I figured you could compartmentalize your barely containable intense feelings of passionate longing for me long enough to grade it with an objective eye," Sebastian spoke, playing with a leaf that fell off the tree.

"So you want me to be harsh?" Ruvik questioned, ignoring his sarcasm, while marking something on the paper.

"Well, yes, if you can," Sebastian tore the leaf edge off.

"If I can?" Ruvik repeated, looking at him with disbelief. Eyes asking 'do you know who you're talking to?' He returned to the paper and did not speak again for nearly an hour.

Sebastian spent that time sitting and staring at all the patients outside. Some were gardening, a hobby he never picked up and wouldn't know how to start. He recognized the young man from group therapy who tried to kill himself with his lover. He was pushing fertilizer around and patting it down gently near some newly planted flowers. He seemed happy but with the way he talked with everyone left room for doubt.

He supposed one could look happy and it be impossible to tell.

Did it work the other way around, he wondered. Peeking over at Ruvik he saw a stern and focused stare as eyes flitted from left and right to read. Only his brow ridge moved slightly when he saw something he didn't like or could use adjusting. When that happened he immediately wrote something down. Then he went back to reading, but a small smirk at the corner of his mouth appeared temporarily.

He was enjoying himself, though he tried to look serious.

Sebastian fiddled around with a few more leaves tearing them into various shapes and tossing them over his shoulder. More than a few landed on the paper in Ruvik's view. He merely brushed them aside and continued. So Sebastian tore out a little heart and tossed it deliberately on the paper.  Ruvik smiled for a moment before picking it up and tucking it into another page.

"You read really slow," Sebastian sighed minutes later, officially bored.

"I've read each page three times," Ruvik told him.

"Why?" Sebastian asked with a laugh.

"The first time is just to take in the writing. The second for grammatical, spelling, and formatting errors. The third for transition, flow, and voice," Ruvik explained as he marked something with a red pen.

"Holy shit," Sebastian looked over the paper at the different colors for different errors. "You're amazing."

"I," Ruvik faltered. He was so cool a minute ago and now he was nervous again. "I try."

"You really can't take a compliment, can you?" Sebastian smiled.

Ruvik finished the last few pages and handed the completely edited paper back to him. Ruvik stretched his arms up high and cracked his knuckles. Sebastian looked over each page and all the notes. With everything Ruvik wrote he could extend the paper by a quite a few pages.

"You just turned my thirty page paper into a fifty page one," Sebastian stared in awe.

"You must take into account the sections for deletion. The finished product will likely be forty pages but that should be satisfactory enough to pass near the top of your class," Ruvik yawned.

"More than enough," Sebastian smiled and put it away in his bag. "How can I ever repay you?"

"It was nothing, honestly. It was a nice reprieve from staring out the window and perishing from boredom," Ruvik leaned on the tree, feeling tired.

"Glad I could help," Sebastian leaned back as well.

Ruvik stared out into the courtyard and tried not to think about ways Sebastian could show his gratitude. He tried keeping his cool. Staying reserved was important when surrounded by so many people. Patients and nurses alike.

Sebastian put his bag between them and nearly on top of Ruvik's hand. He then slid his hand over to touch Ruvik's. Slowly the fingers enclosed around his. Ruvik looked to him for a moment but Sebastian continued to look at the garden in the distance. No one could see them holding hands like this. He relaxed and squeezed them back.

"Feeling good?" Sebastian asked.

Ruvik tilted his head back to rest it on the tree trunk and closed his eyes. It was warm but the slight breeze and shade cooled them down. Sebastian's fingers were fiddling with his and rubbing up to his wrist.

"I could fall asleep like this," Ruvik commented.

"My exams are in about two weeks. Then graduation. Wish you could be there," Sebastian sighed.

"Too many people. I can hardly stand the few here. Thousands? Never," he shook his head.

"It's just as well, I'd rather have you alone," Sebastian said.

How he kept a straight face while saying these things astounded Ruvik. He had an amazing poker face himself but the moment things became sexual his composure cracked. But the fact they could be caught so easily worried Ruvik more than the flirting. What if someone saw his face as they talked together and concluded what was going on? He'd hate to have another person taken from him due to carelessness. Ruvik resolved to get better at hiding his emotions. He swallowed before returning to his uncaring stare out into the grass.

"Alone, huh?" Ruvik robotically responded. "And what would you do doctor? If you don’t mind my asking."

"I think I'd start by removing those bandages of yours; they make it difficult to kiss you and touch your face," Sebastian mused. "Then remove that sweatshirt of yours...run my hands down your body, touching every...single...inch...of your skin. After that...I don't know...hmm...maybe if I could reach into your pants..."

Ruvik swallowed, his gut tightening. He wasn't sure he was ready for this.

"...and get a hold of you. Hard and hot in my hand. Maybe you'd reach over and grab me as well," Sebastian closed his eyes to focus on not getting hard himself. "We could stroke together, slow at first, but speeding up as we kiss. Tasting each other's lips. Like that night after our run. Sucking the panting breath out of each other until..."

"Until?" Ruvik breathed in anticipation.

"To be continued, Ruvik. Someone is fast approaching so stop thinking about my giant cock," Sebastian grinned and let go of Ruvik's hand.

It was difficult to do as he asked. Extremely difficult. He brought a knee up to disguise the boner in his sweatpants. Took calming breaths. Pinched himself on his arm to clear his mind. It didn't take the image away but it stopped him from looking like he was going to faint.

It was a young girl from one of the therapy sessions. Another schizophrenic like Ruvik, with long curly red hair and freckles. She was approaching them with her hands behind her. She looked nervous as she got closer and stopped a yard from them.

"I uh," she mumbled to herself. "Hello..."

"Hello, Ashlyn," said Sebastian.

"Doctor Castellanos? I thought...I mean, I didn't know it was you. I thought you were a visitor," she looked away.

"Can I help you with something?" he asked.

She shook her head side to side. "I was going to...I have a present...I made it in arts and crafts."

"That sounds great Ashlyn. What did you make?" he smiled.

Her blushing face looked up at the branches as she thrust it out in front of her. It was a paper flower. Origami or something like it. It was yellow; some kind of interpretation of a sunflower. It was very pretty.

"That's lovely," he smiled.

"I made it...for you," she turned to Ruvik and extended it to him. "You did a painting...in the art room with them a long time ago. I thought it was really pretty...but you never came out of your room again until lately."

Ruvik wasn't sure what to say. He reached out and took it from her hand. It was made from yellow cardstock, glue, and glitter paint. It was nice but what was he supposed to do?

"I thought you might hide again soon. So I wanted to make sure I gave it to you," she said looking at her feet.

Sebastian waited to see what Ruvik might say. He looked at the flower with sadness, squinting his eyes. A sunflower. That was Laura's favorite. She could dance or hide forever in the talk stalks near their home. In fact, that was what they were doing only hours before the fire. 

"I'm sorry," she said suddenly. She scratched at her arm and looked frightened as her eyes followed nothing. "I didn't mean to...It wasn't supposed to make you sad...I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorr-"

"No, it's fine. You have my gratitude," Ruvik interrupted her, feeling bad about upsetting her. "This is very kind."

Sebastian smiled proudly at the interaction. This girl approached, afraid of the consequences, and gave him something from her heart. It brought back painful memories but he handled it like a champ. He even assured her she'd done nothing wrong. She smiled showing the gap in her teeth. Ruvik tried to smile back but it was forced.

"You're not a bad person. No one is. I learned that in therapy. Only sometimes bad things happen. And people get lost. Like me. I was lost. Lost for a long time. So lost that I hurt myself, a lot. And I needed something or someone to show me good things happen too," she played with her fingers, picking at the cuticles. 

"Is that a direct quote, Ashlyn? Sounds very familiar," grinned Sebastian.

"Yeah," she nodded with a smile. "I'm gonna go now. Bye...um..."

"It's Ruvik," he answered.

"Bye, Ruvik."

They watched her walk away with her hands behind her back and a jump in her step. She seemed really happy. And all it took was accepting a flower. Ruvik stared down at the paper, holding it gently in both his hands. He gave Laura a flower like that once. She kept it in a memory box in her room. He wondered if it was still at the estate somewhere.

"What?" Ruvik said when Sebastian's staring smile got to him.

"Nothing, just really proud of you," Sebastian nodded. "You didn't have to be nice. Or even accept her gift. And did you notice? She wasn't afraid of you afterwards."

"Of course she wasn't. I'm not a monster," Ruvik clenched his mouth shut like he'd bitten his tongue.

"I've been waiting for you to admit that for MONTHS," Sebastian wanted to lean in and kiss him right then. "So cute."

"I'm not cute," he said louder than he intended and silenced himself. "Don't you have revisions to do?"

Ruvik stood and started walking back inside, away from the embarrassing situation and Sebastian. So what if he was nice? And she liked him? It didn't mean they'd be friends or that he'd suddenly enjoy people. He wasn't changing that much. Not really. Sebastian was just overreacting. Sebastian caught up easily and walked beside him.

"I'll walk you to your room," Sebastian slung his bag over his shoulder.

"How do you know that's where I'm headed?" Ruvik retorted.

"You always run to your room when you're embarrassed because you think everyone in the vicinity can see your shame, when in reality I am the only one who saw it. And since I think it's adorable, you feel a need to hide even more, because how could anyone find it in their heart to adore you," Sebastian rattled off. "You're a bit predictable."

"And you're 'a bit' annoying," Ruvik commented.

"Only when I'm right," Sebastian corrected. "And I am right, aren't I? You know, you're incredibly attractive when you're flustered."

"I doubt it," he grumbled, heartbeat accelerating.

"Like right now, you're angry and your voice is so deep. Very sexy," Sebastian whispered low so no one would overhear.

God he couldn’t stand the flirting any longer.

Ruvik opened the door to his room and Sebastian followed him in, disregarding the 'no visitors in the rooms without supervision' rule. The moment the door shut Ruvik pushed Sebastian against it, dropping the bag and its contents. He grabbed his shoulders and pressed his forehead against Sebastian’s chest, taking deep breaths. Trying to keep himself calm but failing.

"Take off my bandages, like you said you would," Ruvik mumbled.

"Right now?" Sebastian asked. "I thought we promised not to do this here."

How could he explain it to Sebastian and still make sense? He was sexually frustrated. All their talk of touching and kissing got his synapses firing like gunshots. His desires wanting to be realized. His dreams only made it worse; this need. And to have it cut off by waking up or interrupting patients...made it feel like nothing was ever going to truly happen. That it was all an illusion. 

"I just...need something to be real and not imagined for once," Ruvik explained. "All this toying with me is making me more insane than I already am. Touch me. Make it real. Or are you just talk?"

Toying with him? Is that what he saw the flirting as?

Sebastian could see the distress and sadness on his face...and most certainly desire. A longing in the tone of his frustrated voice. He reached for Ruvik's hood and lowered it. Warm fingers picked at the bindings until they loosened and fell from his patient's face. Ruvik was stressed; it showed in the way his brow furrowed with worry. Before Sebastian wanted vigorous, charged kisses with uncontrolled groping.

But now was not a good time.

“I’m sorry you felt I was toying with your emotions,” Sebastian spoke calmly. “And I’m not just talk.”

He pulled Ruvik's face close and parted his lips for a long deep kiss. He could feel Ruvik's trembling lip as he received the gentle kiss. The slow deliberate kisses continued until Ruvik relaxed and began returning them as well. Soon Sebastian pressed him against the wall, his body caging Ruvik in. 

He then slipped a hand under the sweatshirt hem and pressed it against Ruvik's torso. It was warm to the touch but shivering slightly. Cold? Anticipation? Both? The shirt constricted the area he could reach so he pulled it up and off, stopping their kissing for a mere moment before continuing. The removal of the shirt and exposing of flesh only made things warmer.

Sebastian's hands squeezed at the flesh of Ruvik’s shoulder and neck, warming him up. The hands trailed down his chest, feeling the thumping of a racing heartbeat. Ruvik had never felt so alive.

The kisses became heated and more frequent. Tongues fighting for dominance. Teeth biting at lips and gasps turned into quiet moans. Sebastian hushed him but encouraged Ruvik to put his hands on his body by removing his own shirt. 

"Go ahead," Sebastian whispered. He took Ruvik's hand and placed it on his torso.

He merely left his twitching fingers there near his ribs. So smooth, he thought. But then he felt around and discovered a patch of curly hair below his belly button. He twirled his fingers in it and decided he liked the feel of it. He tugged and pulled at it as they continued to make out.

Eventually Ruvik had to break for air.

"Too much?" Sebastian chuckled into his neck, nibbling a little.

Ruvik shook his head and rasped, "More."

"I thought you said you wouldn't beg," Sebastian trailed his free hand down to Ruvik's waist to which he shuddered at the touch.

"I'm not begging," Ruvik objected with a pant. "Do as you promised."

Sebastian pulled down the waistband of Ruvik's sweats and boxers with his thumb of one hand while the other held his cheek for hot kisses. His hard cock sprung from the confines of the fabric and with no hesitation Sebastian grabbed it firmly.

"Ah!" Ruvik exclaimed.

"Sorry; I've only ever done this to myself. Tell me if I'm doing it right," Sebastian muttered into his ear. "Alright?"

"Yes. It feels..." Ruvik sighed into his neck. There were no words to complete his thought; only the warmth and pressure of Sebastian's large hand as it stroked up...and down. Up. Down. Ruvik clenched his jaw so as not to groan; he didn’t want to be interrupted by anyone checking in on him.

"Undo me," Sebastian asked, tonguing Ruvik's good ear.

Ruvik's hand steadily undid the belt and with deft skill he undid the button and zipper as well. Sebastian's shorts slid down on their own slightly, enough that his boxer-briefs came into view. And that wasn't the only thing that made itself known; Sebastian's massive hard-on was bulging beneath the cotton. Not certain how to work the boxer briefs, Ruvik looked to Sebastian for direction.

Sebastian parted the fabric of his underwear to free his member. Sebastian was not exaggerating; it was rather large. Ruvik seemed to hesitate in touching him; trepidation that Sebastian sensed.

"Touch me," Sebastian moaned into his mouth between kisses.

"My hands-" Ruvik said, looking at the scarred things, afraid they might cause more harm than help.

"Don't make me beg," Sebastian pleaded as he stroked Ruvik.

He didn't cave at his breathy response so Sebastian took Ruvik's hand and kissed the palm. Kissed the fingers. Tasted them between his lips. Wet kisses traveled all over. He then guided that hand to his hard and eager cock. Sebastian groaned in appreciation when Ruvik gripped him.

They stroked together like Sebastian said they would. Kissed. Panted. Groaned like he described. Except this was even better. The tastes and smells were overwhelming. Sebastian's hands were skilled from frequent masturbation while Ruvik was rusty. The doctor was patient with him; coaching him in speed and pressure until he got the hang of it. Ruvik was a quick study as it didn't take long.

"Slow down," Sebastian bit at his lip. "It'll end too soon."

"I'm close," Ruvik panted, knees getting weak.

"Me too. Not sure how much longer I..." Sebastian pressed his forehead onto his partner's shoulder. "God, so close."

"I want to right now."

"Then do it, but..." Sebastian tasted his lips again. "Say my name again. It does something to me when you say it."

Ruvik breathed deep as that feeling began to rise in his gut.

"God, please say it," Sebastian was so close.

"Seb," he rasped weakly as he reached the breaking point.

They came. It poured forth like lava from a volcano; there was so much. Sebastian braced himself on the wall as his body shook. It had been so long since he'd had a climax of that magnitude. One from another's hand. Years.

Ruvik could pass out. It was so much stimulation at once, better than when he was alone envisioning Sebastian. His body was exhausted but exhilarated. He fidgeted his fingers making Sebastian shudder and spreading the sticky warmth around. The floor was covered too.

They let go of one another.

"Amazing," Sebastian took a deep breath as he sank against the door. "Ten out of ten, would do again."

"I didn't realize...how tiring that interaction would be," Ruvik added. He went through a drawer with a hand towel in it and wiped his hand. He could only imagine how sex would be. All he knew was sleep would come easy that night.

Sebastian reached out for the towel and Ruvik handed it to him. He cleaned off his hand as well. There was a little on the floor so he swiped it over the linoleum. No evidence. Ruvik could slip the towel into the community laundry hamper later. He took it and hid it back in his drawer.

"Come here," Sebastian signaled over.

Ruvik stepped closer and Sebastian locked his arms around him. Was this normal? He wondered if all sexual encounters ended with embraces. Or just ones with Sebastian. He wasn't exactly versed in this.

"I wish I could sleep here with you tonight," Sebastian told him. "It would be the topper to a great day."

"Against the rules," Ruvik reminded him, muffled by the immensity of his chest. "Fired."

"But you'd like that? If I slept here, next to you?" Sebastian asked, his fingers squeezing at his shoulders. "Ruvik?"

"I...would," he admitted, nervously. "If you wouldn't mind releasing me. I cannot breathe."

"Right," Sebastian let go. "Sorry."

"And it would be prudent to return our clothing to the proper place before someone wanders in here and..." Ruvik nodded at the bandages, the shirts, and unbuttoned pants. "...sees this. Only one conclusion is possible for even the worst mental defective."

Sebastian nodded and they both went about putting their clothes back on. He gathered up the papers from the floor and put them back into his bag. Ruvik bandaged his face to hide from the other patients. He especially needed it now, as the blood rushing to his face was not going to leave anytime soon.

"You know what we just did was extremely reckless?" Sebastian asked.

"Yes...incredibly foolish considering you could have been fired," Ruvik agreed, pulling a book from the shelf.

"Wait, sounds like you're saying it's my fault," Sebastian laughed.

"It wasn't?" Ruvik pulled another down and turned to him.

"No, I mean. I was there but I'm pretty sure you started it?" Sebastian scratched at his head trying to remember but only succeeded in thinking about what they did again. And it's conclusion. He had to be careful or he'd be at full salute again.

"If memory serves..." Ruvik began and started for the door to head back to the courtyard. "You said something in the garden...Hmm...along the lines of things you would do to me. I believe that qualifies as 'starting it', as you put it."

"Is that right?" Sebastian stood, making sure all the papers were inside and he could close the bag.

"Yes," Ruvik smirked.

"Huh, I'll have to pay better attention next time," Sebastian chuckled, then shrugged. "Oh shit, I nearly forgot. This is for you."

Sebastian rummaged through the pockets and pulled out a folded up paper. He handed it to Ruvik to which he opened it slowly, methodically. He looked at it quizzically. It was a printout of an email. Before he could read it Sebastian elaborated.

"It's permission from the institution to take you on a field trip of sorts," Sebastian explained. "After I graduate I'll just be a visitor and you can go out with visitors as long as the outing is scheduled and you return before lights out. The visitor has to be available by phone at all times etcetera etcetera. The really wordy email just says we've got permission."

Ruvik proceeded to speed read the paper. It was entirely too wordy. He rolled his eyes; that was Jimenez all the way. Once he reached the end he stared into it, thinking hard. He could go...He was equal parts frightened and excited by it. He'd hadn't left the facility in so long. Could he do that? Just walk out into the real world? It seemed so much safer in his room.

"Second thoughts, Ruvik?" Sebastian asked, concerned.

Ruvik shook his head, "Of course not. I said I would accompany you to their resting place. I am a man of my word."

"If you don't want to, I underst-"

"I'm not afraid," Ruvik interrupted. "I simply do not have clothing that isn't...hospital standard issue."

"Is that all? I'll bring you something to change into," Sebastian relaxed. "Unless, there's something else bothering you?"

"Nothing you should concern yourself over," Ruvik folded the paper and stuck it into the pages of one of his books. "I'll manage."

Sebastian opened the door for him and they walked out together through the halls and back to the courtyard. Their spot was still vacant. Once they arrived there Ruvik turned to face him.

"You should return home and finish your work. I think I'll spend some time with Dante under the trees," Ruvik looked stoically at the place he'd be sitting.

"Of course, Mr. Victoriano," Sebastian nodded and winked. "Thank you for the assistance."

They shook hands like professionals when all Sebastian wanted to do was kiss him goodbye. They got lucky earlier; they would not be so lucky again. For now a handshake would have to do. Sebastian gave him a heart melting smile before waving and leaving.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

Sebastian sucked in a deep breath as they began calling names. Exams completed. Internship over. Final papers turned in and graded. Hours upon hours of work, tiresome days, and sleepless all-nighters; all amounted to this moment.

God he wanted to throw up.

“James Calhoun,” said the Dean. “Graduating Cum Laude.”

He swallowed back the feeling. Just a few more names and he’d be walking across the stage. He could see the local news station recording the people walking across. He hoped the institution might have his graduation on one of the screens in the dayroom for Leslie, Ruvik, the nurses, and everyone else to see.

Ruvik told him he’d watch it from there. If it was on.

He hoped that thought would calm him. It didn’t.

“Marina Calloway,” she said next.

His name was next. He clenched his hands and took another deep breath. Why was he even nervous? He knew that he graduated. It was over. All he needed to do was walk up the stairs, shake the Dean’s hand, take his diploma, and walk off stage to his chair. It wasn’t hard. An infant could do it. He could see Ruvik in his mind’s eye shaking his head at him for his jitters.

“Sebastian Castellanos,” her voice echoed. “Graduating Summa Cum Laude.”

Sebastian made his way up the steps to the stage and nearly tripped on the last one. He recovered quickly and made his way to the Dean and shook her hand. She told him congratulations and he stuttered out a ‘thank you’ when he took the diploma into his hands.

As he walked off the stage he looked directly into the camera recording him and waved. He mouthed a thank you to Ruvik, hoping he saw it. Sebastian could just imagine him turning away from the screen, pretending not to care and hiding a proud smile.

And he would be right.

Ruvik was watching the tv from across the room while Leslie and many other patients sat up close. They clapped and whistled and smiled when he walked across the stage. There was a nurse or two also clapping and laughing with the patients. Ruvik was amazed by the number of people Sebastian had touched at the institute; by the number of people who cared.

“Look! Sebastian! Look!” Leslie pointed, while turning around in the seat.

“I see him, Leslie,” Ruvik told him.

“Waving! Waving!” Leslie said while he waved. “Sebastian is a big star!”

“Yeah,” Ruvik looked away and smiled under his hood.

Sebastian finally had his first doctorate in psychotherapy. He still had to apply for licensure and such but the hardest part was over. He already had many internships offered to him from different hospitals, most of them paying. He’d have no shortage of job options. After a year of post-degree supervised experience and passing the licensure exam he’d be golden.

A full blown psychologist. Therapy doctor.

After the convocation the camera panned out on all the graduates as they threw their caps into the air and cheered. Ruvik stared at the screen looking for Sebastian but spotted Joseph instead. He hadn’t even noticed he walked the stage for a Masters in Nursing. He looked relieved as he held his cap while others threw theirs.

What a day.

Ruvik couldn’t imagine being there with all the noise and enclosed space. Sitting shoulder to shoulder with other students, complete strangers. Their breath pushing in on him. He shuddered thinking about it. Thankfully he received all of this degrees and doctorates in the mail.

All of his study was done within the confines of his home through computers and private tutoring of University professors. The money his family managed allowed him many many luxuries and exceptions to the rules of higher education. He studied under other reclusive scientists and doctors so that he might avoid the outside world.

Simultaneous degrees and study took him little to no time at all. And that was before the fire. The doctorates happened afterwards; after only a few years of research and experimentation. Those were dark and very focused years, after all he had to make up for the lost time stuck in bed healing. Three doctorates and he was barely eighteen.

And then the breakdown.

All of it went down the drain at that point. It didn’t matter that he was a genius. All his studying and all his degrees meant nothing anymore. His mastery of four different languages, the violin, and painting. All of it was worthless once he was labeled crazy. Major depressive episode. Paranoid schizophrenic. Delusions of persecution. Violent outbursts. Will harm self and others.

Almost twelve years had passed in Beacon. Ruvik sighed. Twelve years? Was that all it was? It felt like eons. Sebastian was only there for half a year and that felt like weeks. Only now did he realize how quickly the time passed when he wasn’t alone.

“Mr. Victoriano,” said a voice to his left. Tatiana. “You have a call at the patient phone station.”

He nodded, stood, and then followed her to the station. It was basically a payphone without the option to actually pay. An old booth of an area with no door or privacy to speak of and a very short cord so patients couldn’t run off with it. He lifted the receiver and listened.

“Ruvik?” asked Sebastian. “Don’t just stand there breathing. Say something.”

“Congratulations on your achievement Dr. Castellanos,” Ruvik spoke into the phone. There were too many eyes and ears for nicknames. “You must be very proud. It is no easy feat to earn a doctorate.”

“Unless you’re Ruvik Victoriano,” Sebastian countered with a laugh. “Out-doctored by my own patient. By about ten years and two additional doctorates. And god knows how many degrees. I’m not sure if I want to laugh or cry.”

“I hope you’ll consider the former over the latter,” Ruvik answered.

“Did you see me?” Sebastian asked, like a child who just went down a slide for the first time.

“Yes. Nearly the whole facility was watching. No one else seemed to notice your near pitfall at the beginning,” Ruvik sported a smirk.

“You would see that,” Sebastian coughed.

There was silence on the line for a moment as Sebastian maneuvered through the people and the parking lot. He unlocked the car and sat in it before talking again, barely above a murmur.

“I missed you today,” Sebastian sighed.

Ruvik lowered his voice a bit. “There’s no reason to. You’ll see me in two days...we’re going to see your family, or did you forget?”

“I didn’t forget. So you don’t miss me, huh?” Sebastian asked. Ruvik could feel him smiling on the other end. One of his sad smiles.

“I didn’t say that,” Ruvik mumbled.

“Then you do?” Sebastian asked.

He waited until a nurse walked by and away before responding.

“Yes. Now return home and rest. It wouldn't be wise to go out drinking on a night like tonight. There'll be far too many young graduates indulging in copious amounts of alcohol and driving while under its influence. The roads will not be safe,” Ruvik lectured him.

“Yes mom,” Sebastian whined.

“I would rather you never call me by such a name again,” Ruvik grumbled.

“Alright Dad,” Sebastian countered and heard Ruvik huff. “I’m kidding. See you soon. Try not to stress out about Saturday. And go on your walk tonight. Tatiana will supervise. And don’t forget your medication. Also-”

“Enough, Seb,” he cut him off, annoyed. “I’m not an infant. I am more than capable of taking care of myself.”

“You’re right,” Sebastian smiled. “You’re absolutely right. But let me worry every once in awhile, okay?”

Ruvik sighed, “Fine. Unless you have anything more to say, I have a chess game to play and a book to read.”

“Nothing left except good luck with your game,” Sebastian put his car into drive. “Goodbye Ruvik.”

“Goodbye,” he sighed. “Seb.”

He hung up the phone and walked back to the dayroom. The channels had changed to other shows now that the graduation was over. Patients were splitting off into different directions to play games, read or talk. Leslie was already setting up the chessboard by the window.

Ruvik sat down without a word and they started their game.

*****

“Ruvik Victoriano, Patient number 1-8-2-2. Sign these forms, guest,” said the nurse at the front desk. “And these.”

Sebastian was there in business casual; a pair of black slacks, blue button up, and a dark blazer in the crook of his arm. He leaned over filling out the paperwork with a smile on his face.

“Please write down the name of your third party,” said the nurse as she nodded her head at the person standing behind Sebastian.

Ruvik didn’t recognize her. She stood tall with three inch heels and a similar outfit to Sebastian. Black slacks with leather belt but with a white blouse rolled up to the elbows. Her face seemed serious but aloof, as if she didn’t care to be there.

It disappointed Ruvik to know they were going to have a third wheel, that he’d have to spend time with this complete stranger. She spared him one look and didn’t seem to react. His appearance didn’t faze her which was intriguing but he said nothing.

“Alright that’s everything. Here is the pager so we can reach you at all times. He must be back at the facility before dispensing of dinner time medications at-”

“Six o’clock, I remember,” Sebastian finished her sentence. “Thank you. Ready to go Mr. Victoriano?”

Ruvik nodded and followed behind Sebastian and his friend. Once Sebastian stepped outside the front door he turned to watch Ruvik. He hesitated at the door only a step from the outside.

This was the first time in nearly twelve years that he’d been outside the facility. The courtyard didn’t count; it was still part of the establishment. He could see a parking lot with cars. People getting in and out to visit patients. It was frightening to imagine what all was out there.

“You coming or what?” the woman said. “Traffic gets bad around this time.”

Ruvik nodded and stepped forward out of the building. Sebastian showed him to the car and he took a seat in the back while the woman sat up front. He clicked the seat belt into place and sat back.  It wasn’t long before they were on the road, travelling in pure silence. It was Sebastian that finally spoke.

“Thanks for this Juli,” Sebastian turned to her. “I’d forgotten the third party rule.”

“Not a problem,” she sighed. “Just drop me off at the library and pick me up when you’re ready to take him back.”

“Really?” Sebastian asked.

“I have better things to do with my time than to chaperone two grown adults. I’m not a babysitter,” she blinked slowly.

“Isn’t that against the law? Aren’t you a criminal law major?” he asked, worried.

“Are you going to be breaking the law? Vandalizing buildings? Robbing banks? Do you have a history of causing trouble?” she asked and paused for a response. “Then I don’t see why you need an escort. It’s this next left.”

Coming into the city was a strange feeling. The buildings slowly grew out of the landscape, concrete and iron tree trunks reaching for the sun. Their glass leaves shimmering in the sun’s brilliant rays. Antenna and satellite dishes branched out from the rooftops. A modern jungle. Despite the clear sky the air was a little breezy, or perhaps it was just him since he was always cold.

They stopped the car and she grabbed her bag before stepping out. There were dozens of people walking in and out of the library but none of them spared the car a glance. Ruvik was thankful for the tinting on the windows so he could watch them without notice.

Style had changed greatly in a decade, he concluded. Loose peasant blouses with leggings on women. Men wearing polos instead of button ups. Sunglasses and large purses. Backwards facing hats and khaki pants not dissimilar to what Sebastian wore when he visited. It was much more casual than he expected.

“Thanks for the ride. Nice meeting you Ruvik,” she said but her voice didn’t match the sentiment. She couldn’t care less but still observed the niceties of communication.

She swaggered her way up to the library and before she even reached the door the car was taking off again.

“I like her better than your previous roommate,” Ruvik commented. “She doesn’t stick her nose into things she knows are not her business.”

“Yes, Joe tends to be a mother hen about everything,” Sebastian chuckled.

“What now?” Ruvik asked, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

“We’ll head to my apartment and get you a change of clothes. After that we’ll hit the flower shop for a bouquet,” Sebastian listed off. “And then we’ll go see them…”

Sebastian’s eyes lidded at the mention of his family but he sat up and focused on the road quickly afterwards. Ruvik looked out the window and absorbed the scenery of the city. It was bizarre to see so many buildings so cramped together. And so tall. Many blocked out the sky. And then there were all the people; walking and crossing the street. Most looking down at their phones or talking with the person next to them. He doubted they’d even notice if he stood next to them they were so involved in their own world.

The buildings became smaller and shorter the further towards the outskirts they drove. Until finally they arrived at Sebastian’s apartment complex. It was five stories tall and the parking lot was nearly empty. He explained to Ruvik why this was.

“After graduation many people move out as soon as possible for new jobs,” Sebastian told him. “I still have another month on the lease so I’m in no hurry. Come on.”

Ruvik exited the car and closed the door slowly while looking around. It was quieter than he expected. He imagined cars constantly going by and being unnecessarily loud. All he could hear right now was a person taking their trash to the curb and tossing it in the dumpster. They didn’t even look at them as they passed and went back inside.

Ruvik followed up the steps to the second floor and waited behind Sebastian as he keyed the lock.

“Welcome to my palace,’ Sebastian smiled as he opened the door to reveal the apartment. “At least for the next month.”

Sebastian encouraged Ruvik to walk in ahead of him and take in the sight.

It was average but clean. The apartment opened into the living/kitchen area and branched off in two different directions for the different tenants.  There was a door closed with a do not disturb sign on the handle, which he guessed belonged to Juli. Sebastian pointed towards his room and Ruvik followed.

His room was a disorganized mess which made Ruvik cringe. Books on the floor, clothes hanging over chairs and spilling out of the laundry basket, pens and pencils peeking out from under the bed and desk. There were papers in every which direction on his desk as well. The bed seemed to be the only neat thing and that was haphazardly tucked in.

He wanted badly to comment on it but held his sharp tongue.

His painting was perched on top of the dresser next to a framed photograph of Sebastian’s family. It was the first he’d seen them. Above average looking woman with a book in her hand. Sebastian, clean shaven and smiling bright, sat next to her with their child in between them. The baby was at most a year old. It was a different time. A different place. A lifetime away.

“I’m not entirely sure what your style is since I’ve only ever seen you in sweats and t-shirts but I think this’ll do,” Sebastian handed him a pile of neatly folded clothes, the only neat thing in the entire room.

Ruvik took the pile and headed for the bathroom, which he prayed was in better condition. He started to close the door on him before Sebastian whined.

“What? I don’t get to watch?” he smiled.

“No...clean your room. It’s a disgrace,” Ruvik huffed. “I can’t envision anything happening in that room in its current state.”

He could already hear Sebastian straightening out his room as he closed the bathroom door. Ruvik smirked at how eager he was to do the work and disrobed.

The clothes were a little big on him but luckily Sebastian included a belt. Black jeans with a grey t-shirt and a black flannel shirt to go on over that. The canvas shoes fit surprisingly well. When he looked at the final product in the mirror he found that something was lacking. And what was that sticking out of his shirt?

He reached and pulled to find a clothing tag. He then realized Sebastian bought the clothes especially for him. Shirts, pants, and even shoes to make him feel more comfortable. He popped the only tag he missed off and tossed it in the trash.

Ruvik came out of the bathroom and Sebastian looked up from the floor. He dropped the pens he was carrying and stood.

“Looks great, how does it feel?” Sebastian asked.

“Comfortable and loose,” Ruvik started. “Only…”

“Only what?”

“Do you own a hat or…?”

“Hold on,” he said and rummaged through a drawer, being careful not to add more mess to the room. “Here. You’ll look like a hipster but…”

He draped a scarf around his neck and pressed a beanie onto his head. It was warmer and already he felt better having his neck and most of his head obscured.

“Better?” Sebastian asked, his face close.

“Substantially,” Ruvik nodded, looking away from his all-too-close face to take in the clean floor.

“All you need now are some thick framed glasses and you’ll be the epitome of hipster,” Sebastian joked.

“Reading glasses?” Ruvik asked. “Because those I have. They’re back at the estate…I haven’t worn them in...ten years. I must update my prescription.”

“Cute,” Sebastian awed. “I can see it now. Greenpeace Ruvik; drinking Starbucks and reading organic chemistry books while distributing pamphlets. Go green! Save the planet!”

“Stop,” Ruvik grumbled while looked away, trying not to be embarrassed. “We are wasting valuable time. We should go.”

The drive to the flower shop took a while. It was on the outskirts of the city but on the opposite side. They had to travel through the crowded streets and tall buildings once again but this time Ruvik sat in the front seat with Sebastian. His eyes took in all the strange fashions and shops he’d been missing out on while away.

Even when he wasn’t at the institution he was a bit of a recluse. He lived out in the country away from the masses. Where things were quieter. And he had plenty of privacy. No one to bother him in his secluded estate; not even his father visited him there. He wondered what his father was doing with the place now.

“Here’s the flower shop,” Sebastian spoke as they parallel parked. He put it into park and carefully checked the mirror before exiting. He then went to Ruvik’s door and opened it.

Ruvik pulled at his hat a little in nervousness and stood from the car, following Sebastian inside. Sebastian went directly to the counter and asked for a specific arrangement of flowers. He’d ordered them earlier that week. The woman nodded and went back to the cooler to retrieve them. This left Ruvik to wander around on his own and stare at flowers like when he was a child being led around by his sister.

Sunflowers in the corner caught his eye. They were fake as it was not the season for them but they were realistic. And sprayed with a perfume to smell nice. Wrong, he thought. As far as he remembered they had no scent. None at all, although his sister commented that she thought they had a mild nutty smell.

He heard whispering nearby and tried not to glance harshly at the origin of the noise. Other customers. They were saying something about him. He heard something about ‘face’ and ‘what happened’. It was difficult to ignore them so he simply turned in a way so that they could not see his face. So they could not see his rising anger.

“Are you alright?” Sebastian approached and asked.

Ruvik nodded. He didn’t want their day out to be ruined by a few bystanders.

“What happened to your hands? And your face?” said a small voice behind them.

A child, whose mortified mother was now reprimanding her for asking such a personal question that was none of her business. The mother apologized for her daughter and started to pull her away. Sebastian looked to Ruvik for a reaction and found he was upset.  He glared at nearby flowers instead of the person he wished to glare at.

“I knew this would happen. Maybe I should have stayed in the vehicle,” Ruvik muttered.

“She’s just curious,” Sebastian assured him. “Children are like that.”

Sebastian was right. It wasn’t a malicious question. She just wanted to know and if he was callous about it all she would remember was that her mother dragged her away from the scary looking man because he was a monster. And that ‘different’ was something to be feared.

“Please, wait,” Ruvik stepped forward, despite his apprehension. “I don’t mind answering.”

The little girl wrenched her hand from her mother and approached him with wide interested eyes. He looked nervously around before kneeling down to show her his face while he told her. This was far out of his comfort zone but he tried to explain objectively as if describing someone else.

“These are scars from a fire when I was a child, not much older than you,” he guessed at her age. He placed his hands out and flipped them from palms up to down so she could see them. “They were very painful. And took quite a while to heal; years in a hospital. I was lucky to survive.”

“Do they hurt when you pick things up?” she asked.

“No, there is no pain, simply rough scarring,” he responded.

“Can I touch them?”

“I suppose...if you wish,” he swallowed and uncomfortably offered.

She reached out and touched his finger with interest. He held his breath waiting for her response.

“It’s hard! Like a toad,” she puffed her cheeks like one. “But their bellies are soft. Have you ever held a toad, mister?”

“No, I haven’t,” he tried to smile. He dissected one on multiple occasions but never really held one. Never saw the merit in simply holding an animal.

“I’ve got one behind the shed. Don’t tell mommy. He’s bumpy but really nice. Like you mister!” she laughed.

“I’m not-”

“Yes, he’s very nice,” Sebastian interrupted Ruvik, knowing he was going to disagree and pat his head.“Like a soft bellied toad.”

The child waved goodbye and ran back to her mother. Ruvik stood up and stared at Sebastian, wondering why he would tell the child that he was nice. He had always been a selfish and debatably bad man. Unnecessarily cruel to some. Rude to most. By all accounts he was certainly not nice.

“You said something strange, Ruvik. Something I never thought I’d hear you say,” Sebastian rubbed his chin.

“And what is that?” Ruvik looked at him.

“I was lucky to survive…” Sebastian repeated him.

Until then he believed Ruvik resented the fact that he survived the ordeal. On many occasions he expressed how much he wished he’d died with Laura. That living without her was merely existing; which was nothing like being alive. To call it luck would have angered him because it meant the accident was good for him and for her. That something good came out of it all going up in flames.

“Why choose lucky?” Sebastian wondered quietly.

The answer was simple, wasn’t it? At least, Ruvik was certain it was. If not for the fire he wouldn’t have gone to Beacon. He wouldn’t have met Sebastian. And he wouldn’t be living again. Butterfly effect. But admitting such things would mean he was thankful for Laura’s death since it led to the opportunity to meet Sebastian. Was he allowed to even say that?

“Survival gave me a chance...to live,” Ruvik shrugged a little, hiding his hands in his pockets. “I suppose _that_ is a fortuitous thing…”

Sebastian nodded then went to the register to pay for the flowers, which Ruvik held while in the car on the way to the cemetery. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way that little girl looked at him with awe. She smiled at him. Ruvik shook his head. She didn’t know any better. She didn’t know him and the things he’d done. The people he hurt. What was the basis of her claim; he was nice? It confused him.

“You’re nice, Ruvik. Stop stewing over there,” Sebastian chuckled.

Ruvik huffed and readjusted in his seat to look out the window. He disagreed with Sebastian’s assessment but didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothered him. He wasn’t being nice to the child. He was merely responding to an inquiring mind with information. It’s what any scholar would do in the presence of curious students.

Nothing more.

They drove into the cemetery past the gate and down the paved road until it split off. Down the left path for a few minutes more and Sebastian stopped the car. From there they’d have to walk, he informed him. His face took on a more solemn tone, even when he smiled. It made Ruvik uncomfortable and he wasn’t certain why.

Ruvik followed a few steps behind him, holding the flowers close. Lilies and baby’s breath. And some other white flowers he didn’t recognize. Laura would be ashamed of him forgetting them all. It seemed more a bridal bouquet than a funerary one but Ruvik didn’t comment. He’d never brought flowers to a grave before.

Hell, he’d never even been to a cemetery other than the ancient family plot by his home.

He looked around and took in the final resting places of many individuals. The math on the gravestones always painted a sad picture. Too many young were interred there. Some statues had angels on them, others were covered in flowers. Some were merely covered in moss, so overgrown that their words could not be read. Those were the most depressing; dying in obscurity so that no one knew who they were or what they’d accomplished with their lives. They left nothing but an unreadable stone no one cared enough to remove the lichen from...

Part of him hoped his father had cremated Laura; at least then he wouldn’t have to see her stone erode away with the passage of time. No one but himself caring enough to clean it. And when he was gone no one to care for it at all. He disliked thinking about the cold inevitability of death.

“Here they are,” Sebastian sighed.

Ruvik stopped next to him and looked down at the stones.

_Myra Castellanos. Caring mother and wife. Always loved and never forgotten._

  
_Lily Castellanos. Sweet angel. In God’s hands now. Rest in peace dear cherub._

“My mother-in-law chose the funerary stones and phrases,” Sebastian told him and looked down at his feet. “I was in no place to write them myself back then. Too busy trying to pickle myself in a bottle of booze.”

“Certainly you weren’t that bad,” Ruvik tried to lighten the mood.

“Tell that to my last car. It was in...ten big pieces when I last saw it. And when I last saw it I had double vision coupled with an ulcer,” Sebastian shook his head, ashamed. “Better now though. Better than back then, anyway.”

He knelt down and brushed the leaves off of the stones. Then picked off any strands of grass the mowers tossed up. He pressed his fingers into the etched ivy designs next to their names. Ruvik knelt down as well and handed the flowers to him which he took with a shaky hand. Sebastian placed them gently between the two stones and sat back Indian style. Ruvik mirrored him.

“Sorry, I’m late,” Sebastian chuckled weakly. “Graduation was this year. I made it, like you always said I would.”

Sebastian swallowed trying to think of the words. Every time he’d come before he'd broke down and cried for an hour. It was why he always needed Joseph to go; he needed someone to help him through it still. He took a deep breath and talked about recent events. Arrival at Beacon. His thesis. Everything from the last year.

“I wonder if you knew about Joseph and never said anything? I’m so thick I’d miss everything if it weren’t in front of me,” he laughed. “I graduated Summa Cum Laude. Bet you never saw that coming. I was such a goof off when you were here. Surprised I could get anything accomplished with you two always hassling me for things.”

Ruvik saw him look to the ground, pained, his laughter dying down. His eyes welled up as his voice cracked.

“I miss you guys,” he whispered. “I wish you could have seen me walk across that stage. It was...Did I mention Summa Cum Laude? I couldn’t believe it.”

Something broke then and Sebastian  hunched over in tears and chuckling. It was not something Ruvik thought he’d ever see. Not something he ever wished to see. This always smiling man, with lewd jokes and kindness for everyone, was bawling into his sleeve and trying to cover it up with laughter. And Ruvik had no idea what to do to help him.

He sat close and placed an arm around Sebastian’s shoulder, leaning into him. This resulted in him turning and burying his face into Ruvik’s chest, getting the scarf wet. But he held him. He shook and sobbed and laughed pathetically into him. He could hear interspersed ‘I’m sorries’ between some of the crying. It was unclear who he was trying to apologize to more.

The crying slowed down to hiccups and sniffs. Eventually it morphed into sighs.

“This is not how I hoped this would go,” Sebastian chuckled, sitting up and wiping his face. “I thought I was getting better at this; I was going to brag about you to them.”

Ruvik didn’t really understand the idea of speaking to deceased love ones as if they were listening to him. They were gone. It wasn’t like his hallucinations; he knew they were fake.  And all the yelling while swinging his fists was to trick his mind into erasing them. Even Laura wasn’t truly haunting him. Her voice and appearance was just a distorted representation of her.

But Sebastian really believed they were there so he could believe too. Not for himself but for Sebastian’s sake.

“You still can,” Ruvik told him.

“Right,” he coughed and cleared his throat. “Myra, Lily, this is my good friend Ruvik.”

His good friend? It made him bubble with embarrassment as he’d never been called ‘friend’ before.

“He's a very special man; smarter than three of me put together. With a sense of humor you’d appreciate Myra,” he smiled. His face was returning to usual. “I couldn’t have come here today without him. You know how much I hate doing things alone.”

Ruvik hadn’t noticed until then that Sebastian’s hand was holding his on the grass. His fingers squeezed gently to let him know he was there.

“Ruvik was my patient; I know, I can see your disapproving frown from here. But he’s not anymore…and I’m happy,” Sebastian looked at Ruvik with affection. “I think three years grieving is enough. Just thought I’d let you know.”

Sebastian looked up at the clear sky as if for a sign. Ruvik looked too but saw nothing but clouds and some birds. His partner smiled as if he’d gotten a response or a blessing from his late wife. He then turned to Ruvik and leaned close, kissing him sweetly under the sunny sky. Ruvik flushed with a pout.

“Not certain this is an appropriate place, Doctor,” he cleared his throat.

“You hungry? I know a place near here,” Sebastian changed the subject. “All that blubbering has me starved.”

Ruvik nodded his head; ready to be anywhere but the cemetery despite enjoying the feel of Sebastian’s large hand on his own. So he stood, tugged to his feet by the caring doctor who still hadn’t released his hand. Sebastian pulled him close, surrounding his shoulders with his large arms and let out a relieved sigh.

“It is too warm for embraces,” Ruvik interrupted, muffled by his chest.

“Killjoy,” Sebastian laughed and paused. “Thank you for this...It means the world to me that you came here.”

“I...You’re welcome,” Ruvik responded, eyes lidded and nose nuzzling his collarbone, smelling fresh coffee but no cigarettes today. In fact, he hadn’t so much as pulled one out.

Sebastian let go and gave him a thankful smile before grabbing his hand. They walked together hand in hand across the grassy and stone laden landscape back to the car. And even when he started it up to drive Sebastian reached over and held it again.

How can he enjoy holding my hand, Ruvik wondered. Of course he liked the feel of Sebastian’s hand because it was soft. It was warm and smooth; nothing like his own. So how could he like the feel of the scars on his palms? The heat deprived cold that emanated from his hands? A mystery he wasn’t getting any closer to solving.

Ruvik would have asked where they were going but he honestly didn’t care. As long as it wasn’t crowded or noisy he could handle it. The day so far hadn’t been horrible. He expected more nervous attacks of panic. A monster under the car seat. The dead crawling up out of their moldy graves. He shivered and proceeded to scold himself for getting his imagination worked up.

He hadn’t heard Laura even once. In fact her voice had become rather scarce of late. It was an unnerving but welcome change in his mind. He woke from his thoughts when Sebastian announced their arrival.

“This is the place,” Sebastian pulled into a space.

A diner with a mom and pop name. From the outside it looked a little worn down, older with a decade’s worth of scratches and knicks. Red paint peeled from the wall near the door.  It had specials scrawled on the glass with paint pens and inside were a few couples, mostly older folk who kept to themselves.

“I used to come here a lot with Joe. On my bad weeks,” Sebastian told him. “There's a bar down the street I drank at after visiting them. And Joe would drag me to the diner to put food in me before taking me home. Heh, I just remembered I never paid him back for the shoes I threw up on.”

“Charming,” Ruvik smirked. “The picture of you puking your innards out is now burned into my mind. Not the most respectable image.”

“Well, I can’t always be ruggedly handsome and charismatic,” Sebastian winked and squeezed his hand. “Let’s go.”

Ruvik exited the car and adjusted his hat for the fourth time in the past five minutes. He fixed his scarf tighter around his neck, concealing more of his skin. But his hands...no gloves. He shoved them into his pockets sufficiently hiding them. Only his face remained and there was nothing he could do about that. Sebastian nodded his head towards the door, hurrying him along like a child.

The diner was unbelievably cold. Never had he been more thankful for all the layers Sebastian provided him with. The hostess at the stand told them to sit wherever they’d like. She spared a curious glance at Ruvik but went back to her work. Sebastian led them to a booth for two so they sat across one another. It was only a moment before the waitress showed up.

“Sebastian, right?” the portly woman chuckled. “Haven’t seen you in so long...it’s been five months? Or was it eight?”

“Nearly a year, Crystal. I’m glad to see you’re still here,” he smiled genuinely.

“I’m fifty-six; where else is a retired woman gonna go? You were in and out of here more times than I can remember years ago; I couldn’t forget you if I tried,” she chortled. “Oh you’re new aren’t you?”

Ruvik looked up realizing she was talking to him. Sebastian signaled for him to speak up.

“Ruvik...I’m a friend...of Seb’s,” he said quietly.

“It’s nice you meet you Ruvik,” she squeezed her eyes when she smiled. “Drinks? Coffee, Sebastian? Black? And you, young man?”

“The same...if you please,” Ruvik lifting the menu, not reading it. He was using it as a barrier between his face and others.

She nodded and asked if Sebastian would like a newspaper, like usual. He smiled and told her he would. The waitress left, promising to return shortly. Ruvik continued to stare down at the menu, lost in thought. Sebastian nudged his foot with his own to get his attention.

“You alright?” Sebastian asked.

“Yes, I’m simply not used to...interacting with people. It will take some getting used to,” Ruvik shifted in his seat and finally started reading the specials.

“You ‘interact’ with me on a daily basis. It’s not so hard,” Sebastian nudged his foot against his again gently.

“I’m never worried about saying the wrong thing around you. You don’t take my statements personally. You know what I’m like. Others...may not be so forgiving,” Ruvik explained, nudging Sebastian’s foot away. “It’s easier to simply not talk unless completely necessary. It lowers the chances that I upset someone or myself.”

“Your self control is growing by the day. You’re like a different person than when I first met you; you’ll be fine,” Sebastian admired from across the table. There was a proud gleam in his eyes and some other emotion not suitable for the lunch table.

“Stop,” Ruvik grumbled, looking away.

“What?” Sebastian quirked a brow but kept on grinning.

“Making eyes at me. In a public place,” Ruvik told him. “It makes me uncomfortable.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try harder to appear uninterested in you whilst in public, Mr. Victoriano,” he sat up straight and checked his watch.

She brought the paper and their drinks. Sebastian ordered the Philly Cheesesteak with fries and Ruvik ordered a chicken cobb salad that was much larger than advertised. It came with a small bowl of soup or chili and he opted for the chili in the hopes that it would warm him up in the freezer of a diner.

Very little talking occurred once the meal arrived. Sebastian would take a bite of his sandwich and look over the crossword, filling it in as he chewed. Ruvik ate quietly as was his custom but he eyed the paper every once in awhile. Sebastian handed it over to him and Ruvik took his time filling in answers and dotting the forgotten ‘i’s. He returned it to Sebastian when he reached over and beckoned for it. This went on for the entirety of their meal.

Once the food was finished Sebastian talked about some of the articles in the paper. Ruvik merely listened with interest. Not so much at the content but for the way Sebastian spoke about it. He liked listening to his voice and since Sebastian liked to talk, so it was a win-win.

“You two are just too cute. How long have you been dating?” Crystal asked, collecting their plates. Ruvik nearly dropped the coffee cup into his lap.

“Not long,” Sebastian spoke up, giving Ruvik time to compose himself. “About two months.”

Two months? Ruvik then remembered the first time they kissed. Was it really over two months ago? It felt like...no, that couldn’t be right. He was counting that first walk together as a date. The night they looked at the stars together.The night Ruvik said he’d give people a try. He flushed at the memory; he was so vulnerable that night and Sebastian was nothing but supportive.

“Could I perhaps, get a refill on my coffee?” Ruvik said nervously, raising a hand to hide his flushed cheeks.

“So polite; and shy too! More for you too Sebastian?” she asked.

“Yes, please. Thank you, Crystal,” Sebastian smiled.

She left and Ruvik let out a relieved sigh. Sebastian chuckled at his reaction.

“Why did you say that?” Ruvik pulled down on his hat, trying to hide even more of his face. He wished the hat could eat his head.

“Are you embarrassed? Why? People date all over the world,” Sebastian reached across and pat his shoulder. “Take a deep breath. You’re fine. No one’s staring or judging you. I’m right here.”

“I am trying,” he said and took the recommended deep breath. “I am not so...or what I mean to say...I cannot admit...my feelings to even myself...let alone others…yet you do so freely and easily. Unafraid. I find it...frustrating.”

Sebastian squeezed his shoulder and slowly Ruvik calmed himself enough to drink the new cup of coffee. They sipped quietly, savoring it, focusing on the flavor, the smell, and the temperature.

Ruvik looked outside the window at an older couple leaving the restaurant and getting into their car. No cares in the world and so happy to simply be near each other. He wondered if he’d be like that one day. Walking around in public with Sebastian; no hat, scarves or long sleeved shirts to hide himself. An actual smile on his face. Ruvik closed his eyes trying to see it but it wouldn’t materialize. It simply wasn’t him.

“Are you ready to head back?” Sebastian asked.

He wasn’t really but lacked any reason to stay at the diner longer. He nodded and Sebastian paid the check. She said it was nice to see them and meet Ruvik. He managed to tell her it was nice meeting her as well, before pocketing his hands. He followed Sebastian out of the building and made himself comfortable in the car for the drive back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have one chapter left that is completed though it doesn't finish the story...Apologies but I have a bad habit of starting fic and never finishing it because I hate endings. Compulsive quitter I suppose.
> 
> BUT! Don't let that stop you from reading or making suggestions or just commenting on this story. Every little thought goes a long way and I absolutely love talking about this pairing/story/game. Hit me up on tumblr. I'll talk your ear off about interpretations all day. 
> 
> Much love, Freya


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Short Chapter/ Smutty Chapter
> 
> Last chapter for a while as this is all I had written up to this point. And until I am struck by my muse again it will be all you get for quite some time. Feel free to leave me suggestions and comments. Any little thing could strike up the creative juices again.

It was a little early to be returning and Ruvik knew why. He supposed that going back to the apartment early would allow them some private time, alone. Time that could be well spent if they were smart about it. And both men were very smart.

The implications of heading back were heavy upon them as the drive was very quiet and charged with nervous energy. Ruvik was sinking into his scarf to hide the emotions playing across his face as he thought about them being alone. What would they do? Something like before?

His hand on Ruvik. Touching him, squeezing rhythmically. Sticky with saliva and then his orgasm. Alone in the apartment would allow them to be more vocal. No hushed groans...loud ones accompanied by heavy panting. And they needn’t hurry; they could drag it along slowly making it last.

Sebastian heard Ruvik swallow nervously, his face feeling hot.

“Ruvik? Are you feeling okay?” Sebastian asked as they turned down a street.

“Just a little warm,” he admitted.

“Want me to roll down the window?” he offered and Ruvik shook his head.

“So when we...return to your home...what will we do?” Ruvik asked, avoiding his gaze.

“Nothing if that’s what you’d prefer,” Sebastian smiled. “Or anything if you’re up for it.”

Anything?

“You’ve got that look on your face. Like you’re running scenarios through your head. What are you thinking about?” Sebastian chuckled and then insinuated. “Not undressing me with your eyes are you? Because you could simply do it with your hands, I certainly wouldn’t object.”

Ruvik didn’t deny that he was indeed thinking about it. Wondering what they could or should do first. He didn’t realize how deep in thought he was about it until they were already parked at the complex. He blinked around confused at how they’d gotten there so quickly. There wasn’t enough time to plan his actions. 

“You coming?” Sebastian asked, the door held open for him.

He nodded and climbed out, Sebastian closed the door behind him and locked it. The patient followed his doctor up the steps again but this time felt different. Electricity was the best descriptor he could come up with. A static feeling that resulted in goosebumps. Where was it coming from? Sebastian? Ruvik?

The door opened and Sebastian walked inside, Ruvik close behind. Sebastian looked at him, puzzled by his hesitant steps and irregular breathing. He reached and clasped Ruvik’s shoulders.

“You seem tense,” Sebastian observed. “Here sit on the couch.”

Ruvik did so and tried to take a deep breath. The doctor’s large hands removed the scarf and hat then rubbed his shoulders gently. He instructed him to relax and breathe; when he was ready he could talk. He focused on the warmth of his fingertips.

“I'm fine. Simply reticent about what we are doing,” Ruvik explained.

“Right now we’re not doing anything and if you want it can stay that way,” Sebastian assured him.

“No, I want to,” Ruvik told him. “I am having difficulty understanding why you would want to. I am not exactly knowledgeable in this particular field. I don’t even know how to proceed. My experiences have not prepared me for...this.”

“This?”

“Romance? Or perhaps intimacy is the correct word?” Ruvik leaned forward into his hands. “I haven’t felt like such a bumbling idiot since my first dissection. Forgive my ramblings.”

Sebastian chuckled. “I like when you ramble but for now you should just breathe.”

He continued to squeeze at his rigid shoulders in deliberate and soothing movements. Ruvik was slowly, very slowly relaxing into his hands. It was nice to see an emotional response of any kind from Ruvik. His distant attitude towards most things gave Sebastian the impression that he’d call it off at any time. He wanted to reassure him.

“You don’t have to be a genius in every field,” Sebastian told him. “And not every action must be calculated and measured. Let me show you.”

He leaned down and kissed the back of Ruvik’s neck as his hands continued to massage. More kisses joined the first, none like the one preceding it. Some were light. Others wet, using his whole mouth and sucking at the flesh. There was no rhyme or reason to them yet they were wonderful. A sigh escaped Ruvik as a tongue slid across his skin to his ear.

“Feeling better?” Sebastian asked.

“Define better,” Ruvik sighed. “We are exposed, in your living room and you’re initiating a sexual-”

“We could take it to my room if you like?” Sebastian resumed tonguing his ear. “We can even lock the door.”

“Yes, that sounds...good,” Ruvik nodded slowly, relishing in the feel of that warm tongue.

Sebastian rounded the couch and extended his hand to help Ruvik up, knowing he would ignore it and stand on his own, too proud to take it. The patient stood and walked towards the bedroom. Sebastian shook his head with a grin but followed him in. And gently closed the door.

He lost no time in pressing his lips to Ruvik’s and in the security of his room Ruvik responded in kind. Sebastian was not shy with his hands and placed them firmly on Ruvik’s hips, pulling close, grinding his own hips against him.

“Tell me what you want and I’ll do it,” Sebastian whispered into his kisses. “Just say the word.”

Ruvik was quite content to simply kiss at the moment. He hadn’t realized how much he missed the taste of Sebastian’s tongue but it was missing something. He’d hated the flavor of his cigarettes before but now that the taste was gone...Would it be strange to ask him to smoke?

“Do you...smoke in your bedroom?” Ruvik asked, pausing from stealing more kisses.

“Only on bad days, why?” Sebastian asked but caught on quickly after. “Hold on a moment.”

Sebastian reached into the drawer next to his bed and pulled an unopened pack from it. After smacking it on his palm a couple of times he opened it and placed one in his mouth. He cracked the window before lighting it away from Ruvik. The drag on it was long before letting out a puff of smoke.

“It’ll take a few minutes for me to finish it but,” Sebastian took a seat on the bed and patted it. “I can find something to do with my hands while my mouth is busy.”

Ruvik stepped over to the bed and made a move to sit next to him but Sebastian grabbed his rear and pulled it into his lap. He carefully scooted back until there was room for both of them. His big hands reached around and proceeded to removed Ruvik’s clothes. The buttons of the flannel went first and then both shirts removed at once. Ruvik expected to feel cold but only heat rose from his body. And then the fingers began working his belt free. After that the pants buttons. Next the zipper. The anticipation was killing him; he wanted that large hand inside squeezing him now.

“So quiet,” Sebastian puffed. “I suppose I’m not surprised though. You’re not exactly talkative…”

Sebastian’s fingers reached in and glided against his shaft, from the bottom to the tip and the cock responded in kind, twitching at the contact. He reached across with his other hand, to remove the cigarette from his mouth temporarily. He ran his tongue against Ruvik’s neck making him shiver.

“But your face...you make the best faces when you’re being touched,” Sebastian whispered against him. “Like right now. It’s part resolve and part anticipation...like you’re afraid to let down the wall but you can’t wait for it to fall. There’s a name for it...uh...hmm, I’ve forgotten.”

Ruvik closed his eyes trying to think but the feel of Sebastian’s hand enclosing on him clouded his thoughts. The taste of smoke on his tongue and in his lungs. Normally it would have frightened him but right now…the smoky haze was invigorating.

“Cognitive...dissonance,” Ruvik finally said. “Holding two feelings...contradictory beliefs at the same time…”

“That sounds right,” Sebastian chuckled and put out the cigarette stub. “I taste like cigarettes now...that is what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

He didn’t nod. He didn’t speak. He simply turned his head and Sebastian didn’t miss a beat. His kisses now were hungry and tinted with the flavor of tobacco. Perfect, he thought. It was just how he remembered at Beacon. Sebastian tasted better this way and it made Ruvik feel more bold. Maybe it was the nicotine.

“You’re going to put a crick in your neck turning this way,” Sebastian commented after removing his teeth from Ruvik’s lips.

“Suggestions, doctor?” Ruvik sighed, wanting more.

Sebastian rolled them sideways onto the bed until Ruvik was below him and looking up with attentive eyes. Eyes waiting to see what would happen next.

This way he could look at Ruvik and he couldn’t hide his face. Sebastian lowered himself to Ruvik’s neck and nuzzled the space between his shoulders. He grazed his hot palms against Ruvik’s chest and stomach which felt like a disturbed nest of butterflies.

“Nervous already?” Sebastian asked.

“What makes you say that?” Ruvik watched as Sebastian’s tongue licked at his flesh.

“Only your rapid pulse. Your ragged breathing. And you’re turning redder by the minute. What is it that you think I’m going to do to you that makes you so...flustered?” Sebastian asked. “This?”

Sebastian pulled Ruvik’s pants and drawers down exposing him and his hard cock. He was prepared for Sebastian to touch him, in fact, wanted it more than anything. But he took his time until he removed all of Ruvik’s clothing. Until he was completely stripped.

“Remove some of your own clothing; I refuse to be the only one naked…” Ruvik protested as he sat up on his elbows.

“At your command, Mr. Victoriano,” Sebastian winked and began disrobing.

Ruvik watched intently as each article was removed. Button up. Tank. His slacks slid down to the floor. Hidden behind the boxer-briefs was a hard-on that could lift an engine block. Sebastian was so large, he thought as he ogled. And he himself was...well, nothing to sneeze at but certainly not capable of moving mountains.

How the hell was something like that going to...fit? Inside...anything?

“First things first...I need you...to relax,” Sebastian spoke as he crawled back onto the bed between Ruvik’s legs.

Sebastian engulfed his length and began to swirl his tongue around the tip. Ruvik let out a great sigh in place of the moan he wanted to let loose. This was, without a doubt, far superior to the handjob they gave each other before. He’d take notes if he was capable of keeping his wits but currently it was impossible. Ruvik let out little exclamations as Sebastian deep throated him several times.

“Ah!...Seb...Ah!” he paused between each, trying to compose himself. It was hard to maintain a focus with a mouth intent on sucking out fluids.

“Stop tensing up your body,” Sebastian scolded as his teeth grazed the sensitive skin. “All my research says you need to relax or we won’t be able to do anything. Just...let it out. Lay down. Enjoy it…”

Large hands began squeezing on his thighs, relaxing them into spreading further apart. Ruvik stopped leaning on his elbows and fell back into the pillow. It smelled just like his hair, hair he was quickly threading his fingers into as Sebastian’s head bobbed.

“Can you reach into that drawer,” Sebastian pointed while his mouth licked. “Hand me the bottle.”

His free hand opened the drawer and rummaged inside until he found a tube. A tube of lube. He passed it down and leaned back to continue enjoying the ministrations of his doctor.

“I thought...you were new at this...how did you…” Ruvik took a deep breath, no longer interested in the question. Or the answer.

“I’ve been watching and reading considerable amounts of pornography…” Sebastian explained. He let go of Ruvik and began slathering a finger in lube.

“Are you certain you...know what you’re doing?” he asked.

“I’ve practiced, on myself actually. It’s surprisingly stimulating,” Sebastian grinned. “Ready?”

Sebastian slipped his finger in, slowly pushing it’s way forward. The pressure felt strange but not unwelcome, especially with Sebastian’s mouth still busy at work on his cock. His finger pressed in and then partially out, slowly pumping the hole.

Ruvik never experienced anything quite like it. And Sebastian was right. Very stimulating. So much so, that he was failing at holding back his groans of pleasure. The wet slipping finger, Sebastian’s hot mouth descending on him; he hardly noticed when another finger was added.

“I’m really proud of you,” Sebastian took breaths between sucking. “You’re so relaxed. I’m all the way up to my knuckles in you…”

Ruvik couldn’t see it but now that Sebastian had said so he could feel it. Two thick fingers deep inside him, stretching out his ass. He envisioned lube dripping down out of him as fingers pumped in, deeper and deeper. It made him groan, through his teeth.

“Don’t tense now,” Sebastian reminded him. “Or I’ll never get the third in there, let alone my cock.”

Ruvik took the calming breaths he’d been taking out in the living room. Sebastian added more lube and then carefully another sizable finger inside. Ruvik could barely maintain his focus, the last thing he wanted to do was stop but...it was too much. There was no way he could keep calm. He let out a mighty moan as the three fingers pressed in and out in slick movements.

What a great sound, Sebastian thought. He wasn’t holding it back. Each time the fingers pressed in again Ruvik let out another groan, biting at lips. He was trying to regain some of his composure but failing. His body was beginning to shake and if Sebastian kept going at that pace he’d climax too soon.

So he slowed to a leisurely pace to which Ruvik protested.

“Why are you stopping?” he moaned.

“Not stopping, slowing down,” Sebastian assured him. “Now be really good and spread your legs.”

Ruvik did so; anything to have something inside again. Sebastian began by hooking his arms into Ruvik’s legs and slowly inching forward until the tip of his cock was pressing against his opening. It was slick with lubricant and pressed easily inside, at least for the first few inches. A pleasing pressure pushed in on his shaft after that.

His patient shivered and let out an exclamation. It was the first time Ruvik used the word ‘fuck’ in his life but no other word seemed to fit how it felt. How filling it was.

“Perfect,” Sebastian groaned with delight. “Ready for me to start?”

“Yes. Start,” Ruvik said in short gasps.

He held his hips high, fingers still glazed in lube, and began thrusting. Both men immediately responded with their own pleased moans. It was better than they hoped. Slow and tentative thrusts at first until Ruvik tried rocking with him to get more. Then the thrusts went deeper and their moans louder.

“Touch yourself Ruvik,” Sebastian asked while he pushed into the man.

Ruvik licked his hand and rubbed his cock.

“Like that...Perfect.”

This was fantastic. And so much stimulation at once...positive stimulation at that. The panting grin on Sebastian’s face as he praised him for groping himself and the flexing core muscles as he pushed deep into him.

“Ah!” Ruvik cried out. Sebastian had hit the spot deep inside. “Again!”

“Anything you ask,” Sebastian smiled and hit it again. Harder.

Ruvik spurted forth all over his stomach, some even reached his chest. Sebastian loved how it looked. His own was not far off.

“In or out Ruvik? How do you want mine?” Sebastian asked, but his voice was cracking; he was so close.

“In. Leave it in,” Ruvik moaned as he came down from his high.

Sebastian pulled him tight and pushed hard. Once. Twice. The third time resulted in his own body shaking and cum forcing itself into Ruvik’s ass. It felt like eons had passed when he finally stopped coming into him. And when he pulled himself from Ruvik it streamed out in a thick white river.

“Perfect,” he sighed once more.

“You’ve said that three times now,” Ruvik commented looking down on his torso.

“I’m surprised you can still count. I can hardly see straight; and I wasn’t the one who was fucked,” Sebastian stood, tipsy, and grabbed a towel from the dirty clothes hamper.

The doctor cleaned off his personal space and then proceeded to wipe Ruvik’s fluids up too. He did so gently, as if worried about irritating his skin. Sebastian leaned down and kissed Ruvik deeply. He could still taste the cigarette on his tongue.

“You liked when I said it,” he kissed again.

“What?” Ruvik questioned.

“Perfect,” he whispered against his lips and Ruvik’s breath hitched. “You flush at the compliment. And smile too. It looks good.”

“I was simply embarrassed. After all, look at what you’re proclaiming to be perfect,” Ruvik gestured to himself. “I am far from perfection. But I appreciate your...opinion, Seb.”

Sebastian sighed, giving up on that conversation. Ruvik would likely never learn to take a compliment. He proceeded to put on his clothes from earlier. Ruvik attempted to do so as well but Sebastian stopped him.

“You should shower,” Sebastian indicated between his legs. “It’s probably a good idea to clean up before you head back.”

Ruvik nodded in agreement and started towards the bathroom. He was used to showering alone and did not ask Sebastian to join him. Afterall, he had a lot of things to think about. Sebastian told him there were towels in the bathroom and to take his time. And to knock on the wall if he needed anything.

The water sprayed out of the showerhead with a hiss before it evened out to a steady stream. Ruvik stood in the water for a while before scrubbing up.

So that’s what sex was like. It was amazing; even fun. He very much wanted to do it again and frequently. It was such a shame that Sebastian would now be working at a different hospital. He might be too busy for outings such as today. And too tired by the end of the day for any activities.

“A conundrum…” he mumbled. “There is always a solution; I just have to find it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last of Patient 1822 you'll get until I feel inspired again. Enjoy it. Comments and constructive criticism are welcome no matter how long the story sits here. Perhaps read some of my other (also incomplete, sigh) fics. 
> 
> Freya


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

It had been three months since Sebastian started working at Springfield General and in twelve hours Ruvik would become an outpatient. What a whirlwind. When Ruvik came out of the shower three months ago he never expected the man to announce he was going to leave Beacon.

_Sebastian gathered the clothes he’d bought Ruvik from the floor and folded them neatly. What now, he wondered. Would they have to wait until the weekends to meet? He could supplement their time apart with frequent phone calls. And visit Beacon on the weekends. Every other week or so he could schedule another field trip. It would be a lot of work._

_“But worth it,” Sebastian smiled._

_The water turned off in the bathroom and Sebastian thought to go peeking in on Ruvik but decided against it. He would have plenty of opportunities to see him naked again._

_The door opened and Ruvik entered his line of vision. He had a towel round his waist and the other over his head like a hood. Some habits never die. Ruvik was busy staring at the wall as he came out, eyes scanning and thinking._

_“I have come to a conclusion,” Ruvik spoke finally._

_“And what conclusion is that?” Sebastian stood and leaned against the wall Ruvik was staring intently at._

_“I would like to continue this partnership,” he elaborated._

_“Sounds like a business deal…” Sebastian frowned. “I hope you see it as something more than that?”_

_“Of course I do, I’m simply keeping my head level as I think…” Ruvik closed his eyes. “...and that is easier to do when I speak clinically. I meant no offense.”_

_“I’m listening,” Sebastian nodded with a sympathetic smile._

_“I find myself desiring more of these interactions but the frequency in which I’d like to do so is improbable in our present situation. You will be working further away with many responsibilities on your shoulders, making it difficult for you to visit. It would leave you with only the weekends to visit, which is...unacceptable. But I have conceived a solution,” Ruvik methodically explained._

_“Is there a trap door that leads into your room? Because that would be great,” Sebastian leaned in a little._

_“I’m going to leave Beacon,” Ruvik announced._

_Shock played across Sebastian’s face. He was sure Ruvik wasn’t ready for that course of action. He could hardly manage the simple day out on the town. They didn’t even go to crowded places and he still felt unnerved. It was too large a step for him and Sebastian would be remiss if he said nothing._

_“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” Sebastian started and winced at the slight glare he was given._

_“You think me incapable?” Ruvik questioned._

_“No, no. Not at all. By all means, do what you like,” Sebastian assured him. “Just...take it slow? I would love nothing more than to spend more time with you but your recovery comes first. Going too fast might cause more harm than good. ”_

_Ruvik didn’t want to wait. Didn’t want to take it slow. So much of his life was wasted in waiting. But perhaps Sebastian was right. Too quickly and it might all collapse under his feet. And he definitely didn’t want that._

_“I concede your point,” Ruvik decided. “But...what of the periods of time without contact?”_

_“We’ll just have to deal,” Sebastian patted his shoulder. “You thought of all that while in the shower? A whole ten minutes? You could probably cure cancer if you spent another hour in there.”_

_“I may have to do that anyway, at the rate you smoke,” Ruvik huffed._

_“Hmm...I seem to remember someone liking the way I taste after smoking,” Sebastian furrowed a brow and pressed his lips to Ruvik’s, slipping his tongue in for a minute. “Ah right, it was you. But if you’d like me to stop, I’ll consider it.”_

_“No,” Ruvik said, dazed. “You needn’t do that.”_

_“Come on, let’s get some clothes on you,” Sebastian commented. “Can’t send you back naked; what will the neighbors think?”_

Ruvik did take it slow like he recommended. It took him three months of ‘significant progress’ before Jimenez felt comfortable enough to release him on his own recognizance, provided he received semi-daily check-ins from a licensed professional. Unfortunately, Sebastian wouldn’t be licensed for another month so Jimenez would take on that responsibility himself, a sacrifice Ruvik was willing to make if he could finally be free.

Sebastian hit the alarm on his side table with a heavy slam from his elbow. His new place was much closer to his work but he still needed to get up early for the morning shift. Three months of this early to bed shit and he still had to trudge himself to the shower every morning like a zombie. But there was one good thing that came from the early shift, it was that he could leave early.

He would be able to take Ruvik to his estate at the end of his workday and honestly, he couldn’t decide if he was excited about it or not.

It was a step forward in Ruvik’s independence but would it be a step into a pitfall? The estate held so many triggering memories for him, it wouldn’t be difficult to send him into a relapse. It spelled trouble but Ruvik was stubbornly set on it. Insisted he needed to return to his home where it all began and to sort through his family’s things.

That was another thing. It was only after Ruvik decided to leave that he discovered that certain truths kept from him.

His mother had died six years past but his father told him nothing of it. In fact, he hadn’t so much as said a word to Ruvik in over a decade. The man just left him there to rot in the institution. Not that he begrudged them much, Ruvik said it was difficult to hate them because he didn’t care enough to do so. If he cared perhaps it would have bothered him more. The only thing he cared about was whether or not the estate was still in his name and it was.

Sebastian shook his head under the hot stream of water. He didn’t have time to contemplate the inner workings of Ruvik’s feelings about his family. The coffee shop down the street was calling his name and if he wanted to get some caffeine he needed to get a move on.

*****

Noon. Six hours to go. Ruvik fidgeted in his seat as he waited for Leslie to make a move on the board. Would this be his last chess match with him? Hard to admit aloud but he’d grown fond of the dithering Leslie, his nonsensical conversations, and his formidable chess skills. He would miss the early morning games and that was not something he thought possible.

“Bishop to my Knight?” Ruvik mused as Leslie moved.

“Check!” Leslie giggled and followed something invisible with his eyes.

“Hmm…” Ruvik hummed. He raised a hand to move a piece but--

“Call time,” Leslie pointed but didn’t look at the clock on the wall. Five minutes after Noon.

Ruvik stood with a nod. He patted the little Leslie, reminded him not to touch the pieces until he got back, and then left the dayroom for the patient phone. This had become so routine that he could predict the phone call within half a minute. Tatiana was far better at predicting it as her hand went out to hover over the phone for a mere second or two before it rang. She shouldered it and delivered the company line.

“Beacon Hospital, Tatiana Gutierrez speaking,” she said and then smirked. “Yes, just a moment Dr. Castellanos.”

She handed the phone to Ruvik without looking away from her computer screen. He took it and cleared his throat before speaking.

“Dr. Castellanos,” he nodded as if he were standing before him.

“It’s just Seb to you,” Sebastian smiled on the other end. “What are you up to cutie?”

“Refrain from pet names,” Ruvik huffed as he flushed. “Just playing my last game with Leslie before I pack away the last of my things.”

“You winning?”

“Not currently,” Ruvik sighed. Even so, he felt Leslie was going easy on him. His pause was too long because Sebastian’s tone turned worried.

“Nervous Ruvik?” he asked.

“No,” Ruvik said curtly. It wasn’t true but he wasn’t about to admit being uncertain.

“Well, don’t be. You’re going to do fine,” Sebastian encouraged him and despite himself, Ruvik felt a smile tug at the corner of his mouth.

“You should go before you get in trouble for shirking your duties.”

“I get a fifteen-minute break for lunch. Besides everyone here already thinks I’m whipped because I call you twice a day,” Sebastian chuckles and imitates whipping noises that also bring a smirk to Ruvik’s face. “They cut me some slack because I’m so obviously deep in love.”

“Wonderful,” Ruvik rolled his eyes at the exaggerative speech.

“Calling your beau Castellanos?” called out someone in the background, followed by some laughter.

“You know it,” Sebastian laughed back. “Alright, I’m gonna go. I’ll see you at six sharp.”

Sebastian made a kiss noise into the receiver. This action elicited a small blush and a scowl from Ruvik as he called Sebastian a child. The doctor only laughed before they both hang up. Tatiana raised a brow at him, finally looking away from her computer, and smiled. She didn’t say anything but the sentiment was obvious.

He returned to the table with Leslie who was whistling a song. The board looked the same so they continued with their match. It took nearly ten minutes for him to realize a piece of Ruvik’s had been added to the board in a most advantageous position. It confirmed his suspicion that Leslie was helping him win this last round. In some way, the boy must have sensed that it was their last game and wanted it to end on a good note.

So he pretended not to notice and ignored all the giggling Leslie was doing that would have otherwise given him away. When it was over he helped reset the board.

“Ruvik wins,” Leslie smiled. He’d only recently began using his name.

“Yes,” Ruvik nodded. “I’m going back to my room.”

Leslie nodded and went to go play with his blocks. Anytime Ruvik said he was going to his room the boy went to play with his toys like it was a switch that went off. He wondered if Leslie’s routine would be thrown off greatly by his absence. It was nice to think he’d become an important part of Leslie’s day to day and Leslie to Ruvik’s.

How different things were going to be in...four and a half more hours.

His room was almost bare now. The books had been emptied from their shelves and his easel was gone. They’d been taken a few days ago. His record player was gone too, already sitting somewhere in the estate waiting for him to play it. He hadn’t touched it in over four weeks, a personal best for him.

The suitcase was sitting on his bed, open and partially filled. It was mostly clothing from his time spent there. They were his personal white clothes made with the softest fabrics for his sensitive skin. He’d probably never wear them again but he didn’t want to leave them behind.

He knelt and reached under the bed for the stack of paintings he kept hidden there. All paintings of Laura. He pulled them out and leaned them against the wall. They only brought bad memories and a nauseous feeling in his gut when he looked at them, so he stacked them again and turned them against the wall. They would be staying here.

“Good memories,” he reminded himself. It was what Sebastian had told him to practice when he was feeling low.

The vibrant flower garden that Laura made from scratch. The sound of her brushing her hair. Sebastian grinning into his black coffee. The feel of his scruff against his neck. His breath--

“Enough of that,” Ruvik shook his head, keeping himself from getting warm and excited.

There was one thing left, Laura’s record. He placed it on the bed and stared at it for an insurmountable amount of time while considering what to do with it.

False Laura, what he’d come to call her now, was further away than she had been in months. He still heard her, nearly every day, but her voice was softer. Not necessarily nicer, as she was still just as cruel as before, but it was easier to ignore her. Pushing away her words became a momentary annoyance as opposed to debilitating. He had no doubt it was Sebastian’s doing and said as much when he came to visit on the weekends. Sebastian disagreed with him and said it was as much Ruvik’s doing as it was his own. That Ruvik was stronger now and able to refute her.

But that didn’t answer his current question; what to do with the record?

He had a few hours left to consider it but in his heart, he already knew what he would do. The remaining books on his bedside table were arranged neatly in his suitcase. After changing from his Beacon clothes and into his civilian clothes, he packed away the last of his socks and made his bed. He pulled the knit cap onto his head and scarf around his neck.

This was actually happening. Finally, he was leaving this room for good.

He zipped the suitcase closed and hefted it up. He would spend the last few hours in the dayroom and not the den of darkness he’d created over the years. Looking back into the room one last time revealed an empty space completely devoid of any indication that someone once lived there.

“As it should be,” he stated and closed the door behind him on the room that held nothing for him now but a stack of paintings and an empty bed.

*****

“Punching out already Castellanos?” someone nudged him as he was gathering his briefcase.

“Yeah, gotta meet with a friend to help him move into his new place,” Sebastian clicked the case closed.

“You mean your ‘boyfriend’?” insinuated one of the older nurses with a waggle of her eyes.

“Ha, I think he’d clock me if I used such an ‘antiquated’ term for him,” Sebastian chuckled. “But you got me.”

“Bring that boy over some time. He’s gotta be something to get you swooning. Did you see him at lunch Morrison?” the nurse sighed. “You got it bad, honey.”

“Hah hahaha!” Sebastian laughed at her imitation of him on the phone. “He doesn’t really do social gatherings Melba, but I’ll be sure to tell him you asked.”

He gave them all another goodbye before striding out of the hospital to his car. It started up with no trouble and he was on his way to Beacon. For the last time, he mused. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. They might visit Leslie or Tatiana sometimes so it wouldn’t be the very last time they came by but it was the last time he’d visit the place to see Ruvik.

He’d be able to see him whenever he wanted now.

And about time too. He was getting edgy from all the rushed groping and stolen breathy kisses on weekends. There wasn’t enough time or privacy for them to do much more than that. If it was driving Sebastian crazy it had to be destroying Ruvik. What he wouldn’t have given for a mind-numbing blowjob the last few months or get his hand down Ruvik’s pants for more than fifteen seconds.

Relax, he told himself. Today was not the day for that anyway. Ruvik would be going through some issues returning home and the last thing he needed was Sebastian tonguing his ear during the stroll down bad memory lane. Supportive partner now, the christening of every room in the estate later.

The car pulled into the lot at Beacon and Sebastian strolled up to the front office. He expected to see Ruvik there waiting and wasn’t let down. He was sitting on a chair near the entrance, hugging his suitcase to his chest, deep in thought.

“Mr. Victoriano,” Sebastian announced with a cough, bringing him out of his head.

“Dr. Castellanos,” he blinked and stood. “You’re early.”

“Ah! Dr. Castellanos!” shouted Jimenez from down the hall. “Thank you for coming. I appreciate you chauffeuring Mr. Victoriano to his new home. You have gone above and beyond the call for your patients. An admirable quality for any doctor, thank you.”

“I try,” Sebastian shook his hand with a nod and the doctor disappeared down another hall. “Is there anyone you want to say goodbye to, Mr. Victoriano?”

He was about to answer ‘no’ but Sebastian tilted his head, indicating at someone behind him. Ruvik turned to look and found Leslie hanging on to a door frame peeking out. Tatiana took his hand gently and brought him closer to the party of people. Leslie was already crying, taking a stab at everyone’s heartstrings.

“Do you have something you want to give Mr. Victoriano, Leslie?” Tatiana asked quietly.

Leslie nodded and continued to cry. He extended a hand to Ruvik, to which he also reached out to take the object. A little car landed into Ruvik’s gloved hand. Leslie’s windup car. It meant the world to him.

“Thank you,” Ruvik said quietly and steeled his resolve. “Goodbye, Leslie.”

“No goodbye. No. No,” Leslie shook his head and wiped his face. “See you soon. Play a round, Leslie. Set up the board Leslie. Ruvik wins. Leslie wins. See you soon. Please.”

He understood and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Right, of course. How foolish of me. This isn’t goodbye,” Ruvik announced. “I’ll see you another time Leslie. We’ll have another match when I visit. Don’t forget to practice.”

Leslie nodded and returned to Tatiana’s side to grip her hand tight. Tatiana nodded her head in deference to Ruvik and gave him a calm smile.

“You are always welcome here, Mr. Victoriano,” she told him. “And you as well, Dr. Castellanos. Come visit again sometime, you keep this place interesting.”

“I’m sure we will,” Sebastian smiled back and then turned to Ruvik. “Ready?”

“Yes,” Ruvik nodded. He placed the car in his pocket and picked up his suitcase.

They took the last of his belongings and deposited them into the trunk. Ruvik took his seat up front and put on his seatbelt. Sebastian did the same and looked over at his passenger. His eyes looked calm and collected but his foot tapped nervously on the floorboards. He would talk when he was ready. So Sebastian backed out of his spot and started on the drive for the Victoriano estate.


	13. Chapter 13

The estate was a two-hour drive across the main part of the city and then back out into the rural areas. They passed by Springfield General, which Sebastian pointed out and Ruvik took note. He also pointed to his new apartment which was a little further out from the city but at least was closer (but a little more expensive) than his last place. It put him about forty minutes from Ruvik’s estate, not a short drive but better than his old place which would have been an hour and twenty minutes. 

Ruvik was especially quiet the entire drive, understandably. This transition must be hard on him, Sebastian thought. 

“Do you have anyone at the estate waiting? Maids or cooks?” Sebastian asked.

“There is a groundskeeper. My father has two maids on retainer to keep the place in order. It might be a little stale but it should be clean,” Ruvik explained. “As for a cook. She won’t start until tomorrow.”

“What'll you eat tonight?”

“I haven’t much of an appetite,” Ruvik admitted. 

“Want me to cook something for you?” Sebastian asked and put a hand on Ruvik’s.

“I...would like that,” Ruvik considered.

The cityscape slowly declined the further they went. Buildings shrank and became sparse until they disappeared completely. The only structures that remained were farms, a church, and the occasional man-made lake complete with estates of their own. Things were quiet for a moment longer until Ruvik sat up in his seat and pressed a hand to the window.

“That hill,” Ruvik mumbled. “The barn is gone...and the flowers too but…”

“Does that mean all this land is your family’s?” Sebastian asked incredulously. “Wow.”

“We’ll be coming up on the estate soon,” Ruvik announced. 

Sebastian expected a great big gloomy place, one that mirrored Ruvik’s personality. He thought of a dark building, aged and broken down with overgrowth climbing the walls. Vines and weeds creeping out of crevasses, choking the life out of a historical landmark. Huge dusty windows with cracks in them with ragged curtains. A modern day Amityville.

Well, it  _ was  _ big. And the windows _were_ huge. Overall, the building was a bit imposing but it was in one piece and not several. The bushes and topiaries were trimmed back. The fountain was spraying crystal clear water into the surrounding basin. It looked nice.

“You look surprised,” Ruvik huffed.

“It’s not what I thought it would look like,” Sebastian gawked at the height of it as they stepped from the car. “Maybe a clock tower with a lightning rod…”

“It’s not Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory. It’s an estate,” Ruvik shook his head. “A clock tower--you read too much fiction.”

Sebastian grabbed Ruvik’s suitcase from the car and followed behind him as they approached the front door. Before he could reach out for the handle it opened from within. A middle-aged woman with gray in her hair opened the door with a smile.

“Welcome home, Mr. Victoriano,” she bowed gently. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“Again? Do you know her?” asked Sebastian, none too quietly. He shrugged.

“I was a maid here when you were a child though age has not been kind to me,” she chuckled and touched the premature wrinkles on her cheeks. “Would you like me to take your suitcase and unpack it for you?”

“No,” Ruvik told her curtly. 

“Very well, sir. If you need anything summon me. I may be old but my hearing is still quite sharp,” she hummed and went on her way. 

“Her name is Isolde,” Ruvik remembered. “She was my mother’s maid.”

“Your father kept her on retainer here? For over a decade?” Sebastian whistled. “That’s...something.”

“Our family pays well and my father hates breaking in new people,” Ruvik shrugged and looked around the foyer. “Our family is very private; the fewer people in and out of the house the better.”

Sebastian stared at all the detail in the main hall. No paintings but a large chandelier hung suspended above them. Bronze or brass, he couldn’t really tell. Everything was dusted and polished to a shine, giving off a clean scent. The room still felt stuffy though, as if the air was trapped indoors.

Ruvik approached the stairs on the left and ran a hand over the wood.

“Surreal, being back here,” Ruvik spoke. 

Sebastian said nothing, only observed as Ruvik slowly explored his family home like it was new. He peeked his head into the dining room on the first floor, clean and organized. Then a gallery on the opposing side. He stared at old oil paintings and touched vases, all of which were devoid of dust. In this area was a room for storage, a room that housed a couple of different instruments, and at the end of the hall, a grand piano polished to shine. Sebastian could see his reflection in it.

“Beautiful,” Sebastian commented without touching. 

Ruvik reached out and opened the fall board then hit a few notes, nothing in particular. 

“It’s flat,” he sighed as he closed it again. 

“You’ll have to get it tuned,” Sebastian smiled. “Do you know how to play?”

“Laura taught me a little, but I excel with the violin,” he nodded. “I always preferred listening to the piano to playing it in any case.”

“Where to next?” Sebastian nudged him a little. “I’m enjoying the tour.”

Ruvik smirked at him and led the way around to more areas he hadn’t seen for years. He took them upstairs where he proceeded to try and touch the chandelier from the awning. His arms were too short but Sebastian just barely grazed it, making it swing a little. Another gallery in the center but to his left was a robust library, filled with two floors of books.

“Amazing,” Sebastian gawked and pulled a book from the shelf. “This book was published before I was born. It must cost a fortune.

“My father collects rare works of art but he prefers books,” Ruvik rubbed his fingers over the spines of the shelved tomes. “Mostly on religion. I believe there are over forty-six different copies of the bible in here. In at least eight different languages, most of which my father doesn't speak.”

“You ever read them?” Sebastian asked and placed the book back exactly where he plucked it from.

“The bible? No,” Ruvik scoffed. “I’m nearly offended you asked.”

“Right, of course. Ahem, religion is a waste of time and energy. It offers nothing to the contribution of Science,” Sebastian grumbled, imitating Ruvik. He then laughed. “What was I thinking?”

“Your imitation of me is most unflattering,” Ruvik narrowed his eyes, unamused. 

“Relax,” Sebastian put a hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek. “I find your grumpy face most flattering.”

“Hmph,” Ruvik huffed. He took Sebastian’s hand and pulled him along. “Moving on.”

Down the halls were a few bedrooms. One was Ruvik’s when he lived there, to which he dropped off his suitcase, and the other was Laura’s respectively. He didn’t linger in the latter for long before he insisted they move on. The bathroom was down the hall. It had a tub large enough for a small party of people, shining white and luxurious. 

“That way is the master bedroom, where my parents slept,” Ruvik pointed but showed no interest in investigating. 

“You won’t sleep there now?” Sebastian wondered. 

“No,” Ruvik shook his head and provided no reason as to why. Sebastian didn’t press for one either. “That way leads to the gardens in the back.”

“Want to check it out?” Sebastian asked, giving his hand a squeeze.

Ruvik shrugged and let Sebastian pull him to the outdoors. It lead down some steps into a small garden maze. The groundskeeper was there and currently clipping some of the hedges. He turned when he heard them approach and got to his feet. A small look of shock came over his face but he covered up his embarrassment with bowing his head politely.

“Hello, Mr. Victoriano,” the young man said. “We’ve not met. I’m Carlson. My grandfather used to take care of the grounds here for your father.”

“Where is the previous keeper?” Ruvik asked.

“He passed sir, several years ago. Cancer,” he said solemnly. “But he brought me to work here not long after you left. To take over for him. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

He extended a hand and Ruvik stared at it a moment before shaking it. Carlson extended it to Sebastian as well.

“Nice to meet you, Carlson,” he grinned. “Sebastian Castellanos. I’m a friend of Mr. Victoriano’s.”

“He’s my physician,” Ruvik added. A little more emphasis on the 'my' than necessary and it went unnoticed by no one. 

“Oh, will you be staying here then Doctor? I can inform Isolde to tidy up a room for you if you wish,” said Carlson. 

“Oh, no. That’s not necessary,” Sebastian insisted. “But if you could show me the way to the kitchen I’d be thankful. I know your cook won’t be in until tomorrow so I’ve promised to cook a little something for everyone.”

“Of course, sir,” Carlson gestured to the house and to follow him.

Sebastian leaned in and pressed his lips to Ruvik’s forehead while the groundskeeper wasn’t watching. 

“Relax on your own a bit, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me Ruvik,” Sebastian whispered. 

Ruvik nodded, as it was a good suggestion, even though he was apprehensive about being on his own at the house again. It was easier to look around, explore, and explain the different rooms to a visitor because then he didn’t have to focus on his memories there. Just the facts. 

“I’ll be out here for a little while then,” Ruvik cleared his throat. 

“Take your time,” Sebastian patted his shoulder and followed Carlson inside. 

Once they were out of sight Ruvik walked down a few of the paths taking in the gardens. The flowers were well taken care of. They wouldn’t be in bloom much longer, though. It was getting colder out now that summer was over. Fall was fast approaching.

“Hope most of these are perennials,” he commented. 

Laura always said they were better for gardens because they came back every year. They were her favorites with the exception of the big sunflowers she loved so much. But those needed to be replanted every year. Maybe he’d consider it once it was warm again.

He remembered there was a small family plot on the other side of the garden. He wondered if his father put up a tombstone for Laura. Sebastian garnered some relief from visiting his family, it might not be a terrible idea to do the same. He honestly didn’t believe anything remained after death but maybe it would bring some small amount of comfort. Any relief was better than none.

It didn’t take him long to find the cemetery. Old relatives stones sat there, mostly clean and well kept. The newest one was for his mother, a large statue of an angel laid across a stone, weeping. _Beatriz Victoriano. Beautiful, devout, loving._ He did remember her as such before the fire but after it...she never visited him in the hospital. And when he returned to the house she and his father left to visit Italy for some time. To top it all off she never came to see him at Beacon either.

It was hard to imagine her as loving when she never tried to contact him. Even after he sent her letters that first year. Nothing. 

He tried to ignore the statue and look for Laura’s instead. After an hour of searching, he gave up. He would have to find out from his father what he did with Laura’s remains. Perhaps they were in an urn somewhere inside the estate or he simply missed the headstone out there. He’d look again some other time but for now, it was growing dark and he was beginning to feel a little hungry. 

Once inside the smell of something bold and savory floated through the estate. It smelled…

“Delicious,” Ruvik exhaled and made his way to the kitchen.

Entering the kitchen allowed him a wonderful sight. Sebastian had abandoned his coat onto a chair and wrapped a pink chevroned apron around his middle. A hum drifted on the air as the man bent over to pull a dish out of the oven, giving Ruvik a splendid view of his ass. He lingered in the doorway to indulge in the sight.

“Alright, that needs to set for fifteen…” Sebastian reached over and started an egg timer, “...minutes. And let’s check on the soup...ugh...needs salt. A lot of salt.”

“You’re so domestic,” Ruvik commented, making Sebastian turn around. “It suits you.”

“Even when I was married, everyone called me the wife,” he chuckled. 

“It smells good at least,” Ruvik stepped over and eyed the pot Sebastian was stirring.

“Luckily your pantry was stocked,” he pointed over towards the food. 

“What are you making?” Ruvik asked, his eyes trying to discern what was in the casserole dish.

“You’ll know when it’s finished,” Sebastian smiled. “Soup's done, though. Go sit and I’ll bring it out to you. Isolde, Carlson, soup's done.”

Sebastian shooed him out of the room.

“Kicked out of my own kitchen,” Ruvik huffed.

“Don’t whine,” Sebastian poked.

He then called in Ruvik's employees. They helped set the table while he served up enough for everyone. There was another maid he’d yet to meet but luckily he made extra. They insisted on eating in the kitchen and once everything was ready and on plates, Sebastian himself was shooed out of the kitchen by Isolde. She demanded he eat as a guest with the master of the house.

Isolde served their food and even brought out some wine. Not Sebastian’s fancy on a normal day but he accepted heartily nonetheless. Cheddar and broccoli soup, well seasoned. White wine to go with the lemon pepper chicken he baked in the oven. Complete with savory rice and steamed green beans. 

“Is this your famous dish you mentioned before?” Ruvik asked as he took a bite.

“With some variation. It’s been too long since I made it so I had to wing it,” Sebastian chuckled. “What do you think?”

“It’s good. Better than I expected,” Ruvik nodded and took another bite.

“You flatter me, please. Contain your enthusiasm,” Sebastian smiled and drank some wine. “Otherwise it’ll go to my head.”

“Ass,” Ruvik puffed but smirked into his wine glass. Sebastian laughed as they went back to their meal. 

Ruvik had expected things to feel stranger when he came home. Ghosts lurking around every corner, whispering voices in every hall, bad memories haunting the rooms. Where was the bone-crushing despair? The melancholy that suffocated him no matter where he went? Yes, the building felt strange, familiar and unfamiliar all at once, but not full of dread. He had a guess as to why.

It was probably thanks to Sebastian and his optimism. He penetrated the air with his jokes and casual demeanor. It made the place feel different and welcoming.

“I think, I will retire to the music hall for a bit before bed,” Ruvik informed Isolde. 

“Would you like me to bring dessert there? For you and your guest?” she asked.

“Seb?” he asked as he turned. Ruvik’s face went scarlet at the realization of how informal it was in front of the maid but it was too late to correct it. Sebastian held in a laugh at this. 

“Sounds lovely Isolde, would it be too much trouble to get some coffee too?”

“Not at all,” she smiled. “Coffee or tea for you Mr. Victoriano?”

“Coffee,” Ruvik answered and rose from the table. 

Sebastian rose as well, gave another thank you to Isolde, and followed Ruvik out of the dining hall. Ruvik let out an exasperated sigh to which Sebastian patted his head.

“Stop,” he grumbled.

“No need to be embarrassed. You don’t have to hide here,” Sebastian reminded him. “It’s your home. You can do whatever you want. We could make out on the dining room table and fuck in the middle of the garden; no one would have anything to say about it.”

“I keep forgetting that this is real,” Ruvik sighed. “So used to pretending nothing is going on in front of others. It will take some getting used to.”

“Take your time. No need to rush right into screwing in the fountain,” Sebastian joked then put an arm on Ruvik’s shoulder, that for once he didn’t shrug off. “Baby steps.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he nodded. 

Ruvik told him to wait in the Grand Piano room while he fetched something from the storage. Sebastian had an inkling but said nothing as he took a seat on a camel back sofa. It was a little while before Ruvik came back with an instrument hard case. A violin. Sebastian sat up straight and moved towards the end of his seat.

“Don’t get your hopes too high, Seb,” he swallowed before continuing. “I haven’t played in...years.”

Isolde showed up with a rolling metal cart. It had plates with tiramisu and fresh cups of coffee. He asked that she just leave it there for now. She nodded and excused herself, leaving them alone again.

Sebastian sipped his coffee and watched with growing anticipation. Ruvik took his gloves off and dropped his scarf onto the seat of the piano where he’d opened up the case. It was just as beautiful as it had always been.  A bow, recently rehaired, was set inside the case. He pulled it out and adjusted it’s tightness before he rosined it then set it aside.

He then looked to the violin still sitting in the case.

“My Seraphin,” Ruvik said quietly and pulled it gently from its rest. 

The varnish on it was a lustrous orange-red red, brighter than Sebastian had come to associate with violins. But he, of course, was no connoisseur of fine instruments. Ruvik meddled with the strings, tuning until he was satisfied.  It was quite the process, Sebastian realized. 

Ruvik lifted it to his face by the neck and gently secured it under his jawline. He positioned his bow on the strings and took a deep breath while straightening his back. Finally he pulled the bow across the strings.

It sang.

The music echoed down the halls, permeating the room they were in. Sebastian couldn’t say a word and wouldn’t want to. A crime, that was what interrupting his song would be. A sad and haunting melody sang into the room out of that little violin. He couldn’t even bring himself to eat or drink while he played, all he could do was listen.

Ruvik’s eyes closed as he approached the halfway point and continued to play.

It was like being there again in the Fall, playing with the windows open and the autumn leaves blowing in to scatter across the floor, getting caught up on the piano legs and his feet. But now instead of Laura lying on the floor, falling asleep to his music, it was Sebastian, completely enraptured by the sounds he pulled from the strings.

He felt home.

He skipped a note or two and then played one incorrectly before he stopped altogether. It wasn’t in him to finish when his emotions were beginning to overwhelm him. He took in a ragged sigh and turned from Sebastian to put it away. Maybe it was too soon to be playing.

“That was…” Sebastian tried to find words but gave up. “I felt like I was somewhere else. Like being in a foreign country but completely at home.”

“Vitali’s Chaconne,” Ruvik cleared his throat. “With some minor changes.”

“It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard,” Sebastian stood from his seat. “Are you stopping?”

“Yes,” Ruvik sighed as he closed the case. 

“A shame. Will you play for me again some time? I can’t play a note to save my life but I can listen,” Sebastian sidled up to Ruvik. “I’m a pretty good listener.”

“I’ve heard that,” Ruvik tried to smile. 

Sebastian leaned in and nuzzled into Ruvik’s neck.

“Are you glad to be home Ruvik?” Sebastian asked, his lips resting against the flesh there. “Tell me honestly. I won’t even write it down.”

“I...am not certain yet,” Ruvik closed his eyes and relished in the feel of Sebastian’s hot breath. 

“Uncertain is better than regret, I’ll take it,” Sebastian draped an arm over his shoulder again and pulled him in for a kiss on the cheek. He glanced at his watch and grimaced at the time. “I need to get going or I won’t get enough rest before my shift.”

Ruvik looked up at the clock on the wall. It was getting late. This was the part of the evening he was dreading most, going to sleep in this big old building with it’s creaks and moans. He’d slept alone for so long, he should be used to it but this wasn’t Beacon. It wasn’t his dark room with Tatiana down the hall. Despite this being the house he grew up in, he felt uneasy without the familiarity of the past years routines.

“Pills,” Sebastian pointed. 

Ruvik nodded and pulled them from his pocket. Self administering now. He took them with a bite of his cake and a sip of lukewarm coffee. Every night and every morning. It was something he’d been working on the past month, to get into a routine of being more self sufficient. 

“Good?” 

“Yes,” Ruvik nodded. “I’m fine.”

He called for Isolde to take what was left away. She did without a word and hummed her way back to the kitchens. Sebastian could sense Ruvik had something else to say but in his usual stubborn way he was holding it back. The new master of the house walked them back towards the entrance in silence and just as Sebastian was about to leave Ruvik finally spoke up.

“Seb,” he blurted and then coughed to cover up the desperation in his voice. “Will you...stay? For tonight?”

“I’d have to get up extra early to make it to work on time,” Sebastian furrowed his brow. “I don’t have any clothes here. So even earlier to stop by my apartment to change.”

“I understand,” Ruvik looked down, mildly disappointed.

“I didn’t say no, Ruvik,” Sebastian sighed. “No late night talks alright? Straight to sleep?”

“Yes, of course,” Ruvik nodded but sighed with relief. 

Sebastian gestured to the stairs and Ruvik led the way back to his room. It felt strange for a moment, inviting a man back to his room. He wondered what his father would think. Before the bedroom door even closed Sebastian was removing his clothes until he was in nothing but his boxers. He yawned loudly while he pressed some buttons on his phone. Setting an alarm for what he thought would be the right amount of time. Five o’clock seemed early enough. 

“Left or right side Ruvik?” Sebastian asked. “I can sleep anywhere.”

“Right side,” Ruvik finally responded after he dragged his eyes away from Sebastian’s bare chest.

“Alright then,” he hit the final button and put the phone down across the room so he’d have to get out of bed to turn it off. 

Ruvik peeled off his clothes and left them in a designated pile while Sebastian’s clothes were strewn about the room in no particular order. It bothered him enough that he picked them up and hung them over the desk chair. Sebastian chuckled at the spectacle from under the covers as Ruvik made his way to the bed.

It was strange at first for many reasons. The bed was too big, he was used to a single bed with a thin mattress. His feet didn’t go off the edge of the bed, he could stretch them. On top of that, the room wasn’t dark enough. Even with the lamp turned off there was light filtering in through the windows from the waxing moon. The thicker softer blankets were welcome though. 

As was the company.

Beacon was always so quiet at night with the exception of a few nurses walking the halls, checking on the suicidal patients. The clack of Tatiana’s heels as she slowly swayed down the halls. The click of the clock on the wall. It was unnerving to listen and hear nearly nothing in his home. He couldn’t even hear the staff. The only sound was Sebastian breathing, which should have been unsettling too. He didn't usually have someone in his bed. It should have felt weirder.

Not long after settling in Sebastian rolled over and snuggled in close. Ruvik found himself expecting an attempt at some groping despite Sebastian's insistence that they sleep. But nothing happened, in fact, the doctor’s breathing was starting to even out.

“You truly meant it when you said no extracurriculars,” Ruvik mused. 

“I mean what I say and say what I mean,” Sebastian mumbled. “You need time to settle in. Jumping you now wouldn’t be good for you. Now sleep, Ruvik.”

“Thank you, I suppose,” said a slightly disappointed Ruvik.

Sebastian sighed, “Alright, don't pout. Turn around real quick.” 

Ruvik did so and was met with warm hands on his cheeks. Lips met lips in a series of wet kisses. Ruvik reached out and ran his fingers on bare flesh. He wouldn’t mind something more. Just a little bit before bed. Hands began to run lower to infiltrate Sebastian’s pants for a little more. 

“Good night, Ruvik,” Sebastian chuckled and repositioned those groping hands back to his chest. He gave the fingers a kiss or two and whispered, “Next time Ruvik. When I don’t have the early shift.”

“Right,” Ruvik huffed. “Of course.”

Sebastian pulled him in close slung his arm over Ruvik’s side, giving off extra warmth. He was gone to dreamland in mere moments, leaving Ruvik to study his face in the light of the moon. 

It was the only time he could really look at Sebastian without being blinded by that smile. That smile that still somehow managed to create a unstable floating sensation in his stomach. It boggled his mind. Why didn’t the effect lose it’s appeal over time? Didn’t most people become desensitised to an event over a period of viewings? 

He never tired of seeing his face every weekend at Beacon. Or his voice when he rattled off everything he was learning at Springfield General. That childlike excitement when he helped someone at the hospital. He’d bring a coffee from a shop in town and share it with Ruvik at lunch. They’d even do the crossword and trade the paper every few minutes. In the time between Ruvik would stare at that face. If Sebastian noticed he’d wink at him while Ruvik hid his embarrassment in the hood of his sweatshirt.

Was this...love?

Ruvik’s face turned red at the thought. He knew what love felt like, with Laura, but it was different from this. Different and the same. With Laura he would have jumped off a bridge if she asked. He admired her from afar, fell for her tales of romance and childlike whimsy. It was easy to tell her how much he loved her. He did so every day without worry of rejection. Sebastian...he’d do anything to make sure he never stopped smiling. The way he smelled, the way his hands didn't tremble when they touched his scarred skin, his lewd jokes; they were perfect but he couldn’t form the words as easily and he wasn’t sure why. What was he afraid of? It was just three words, it should be simple.

I love you.

Sebastian shifted a little and pulled Ruvik in closer, his grip tight. He took a deep breath and let it out with a smile. Ruvik half expected some romantic thing to come out of his mouth but Sebastian remained pleasantly asleep, squeezing tight.

“I can’t breathe Seb,” Ruvik whispered and the grip loosened a little.

“Sorry...babe,” he mumbled in his sleep. 

“That...doesn’t sound terrible,” Ruvik decided. 

It was far better than ‘honey’, ‘dear’, ‘muffin’, or any of the other food related nicknames. It was acceptable, in fact, he rather liked it. Just enough endearment without being silly. He’d never say something like that, though...it was nicer to just stick with ‘Seb’. 

Ruvik relaxed in Sebastian’s hold and looked once more at the face of the man who made it all possible. His peace of mind, his freedom, his current state mental and emotional state. If Sebastian hadn’t come to Beacon he’d still be a miserable misanthropic psychitzophrenic. He was still psychitzophrenic and still hated people but he was happier now. It was a start.

“Good night Seb,” Ruvik closed his eyes. “Sleep well.”


	14. Chapter 14

A jingle from the desk echoed off the walls. Five o’clock, time to wake. Sebastian sat up, stretched, and looked over with a smile to see his partner sleeping soundly. He didn’t want his phone to rouse Ruvik from his sleep so he got up and quickly turned it off. Ruvik shifted in the bed but gave no indication to suggest he was awake. Sebastian put on his clothes quietly and when finished approached Ruvik’s side of the bed. 

He was curled up, a hand under the pillow, his face buried in the fluff so much so that all Sebastian had access to was a cheek. With a little coaxing, he could get more. He leaned down, placed a hand on his back and gently rubbed in a circle. Ruvik grumbled and rolled so that his face was showing.

“Morning Ruvik,” Sebastian whispered. “Gotta go to work. I’ll see you in a few days. My number is on the desk if you need anything.”

“Mmm-hmm,” Ruvik mumbled. 

“What’s that?”

“Kiss me, then you can go,” Ruvik repeated. 

“Of course,” Sebastian chuckled and leaned in. Ruvik’s mouth welcomed his and when Sebastian tried to pull away Ruvik tried to go with him. 

“Another,” Ruvik demanded. 

“I’ll be late,” Sebastian reminded him. “Promise more when I come back.”

Ruvik nodded and plopped back into the pillow and blankets with a ‘fine’. Sebastian tucked him back in and gave him one more kiss on the top of his head. With that he stepped out of the room and down the hall. Part of him hoped he wouldn’t run into any of the staff on his way out but no such luck. Isolde entered the main hall as he was about to leave. 

“Good Morning, sir. Did you want some coffee before you go?” she asked.

“No thank you. I need to do some errands before work and I think I’m already running behind,” he explained while checking his watch again. 

“Can we expect you for dinner again tonight sir?” she asked and Sebastian couldn’t help but detect a hopeful note in her voice.

His face must have asked ‘why’ for him because she closed the door behind her, looked around, and came close to him. She wiped her hands on her apron while lowering her voice.

“I don’t know how long you’ve known the young master,” she paused then continued. “But before all this...he was a melancholy and angry young man. And before that--let’s just say he was a very apathetic boy. He didn’t like many things and the things he did like rarely made him smile. It would be nice if you visited frequently. I’ve never seen him so...human...”

“Ah well,” Sebastian flushed. “Just a product of his therapy.”

“You can’t fool these old eyes, the two of you are close,” she commented with a smile. “Very romantic.”

“Is that what we are?” Sebastian laughed. “Don’t tell him that. He thinks love and romance are for less evolved beings.”

“Oh? Is that why he played the violin for you so passionately? Because that was one of the most romantic things I’ve ever heard,” Isolde giggled quietly behind her hand and Sebastian joined in with a little laughter. “When can we expect you again, Dr. Castellanos? You’re a delight.”

He let her know his schedule for the next week and gave her the number to his cell and office; in case of emergency. On top of that, he made sure she had Jimenez’s contact info as well. She thanked him and he made his exit. He was definitely going to be late so he made a call to the hospital on the way.

It was so much work, the hospital. 

Most of the morning he stayed in his office, which he shared with another new therapist. They had opposing shifts so they hardly saw each other. She handled child psychology specifically and only used her office for sessions in the afternoon. At that time Sebastian was making room visits to patients who couldn’t make it to him. People with physical limitations that kept them from just walking in. 

He wasn’t prescribing medications quite yet, instead leaving it to his superior to handle. A quick recommendation in their file and that was all he could do until he was officially licensed to write scripts. By far what he liked most was walking around and talking to patients. It made a good outlet for his energy and gave him the opportunity to help anyone who needed it. Already he’s helped a nurse take care of seizing patient, all because he happened to be nearby. It was exciting at least.

Sometimes he was put on shift in the clinic. While his specialty was psychotherapy, Sebastian was more than capable as a diagnostician. Though it wasn’t hard to spot bronchitis when it showed itself. He did at least two hours in there a day. With a number of times he got coughed on, he was thankful for his incredibly hardy immune system. 

He even made friends right away. 

Melba, who’d been a nurse for over twenty years. A large joyous woman who laughed at every joke and loved gossip. She befriended him the first day and started having lunch with him ever since. And Morrison, Brad Morrison, was an oncologist on the fourth floor. He was younger than her and sort of new as well, having only come to the hospital a few years prior. Even though he was eight years older than Sebastian, he looked as though he’d just graduated college. He helped Sebastian find his way around the first weeks and struck up a friendship.

The hospital work was hard but he loved it there. Though sometimes his mind wandered. Even though he’d been working there for a while now, he still missed seeing Ruvik’s face every day. 

*****

Ruvik dragged himself from bed nearly two hours later when his morning pill alarm went off. He barely got the chance to put clean clothes on before there was a knock at the door. Isolde with a tray of food for breakfast. Hot oatmeal with honey and blueberries. Orange juice, freshly squeezed. Toast with butter melted on it. It looked significantly better than Beacon’s food. Smelled better too. It was only now that the thought that it was nice to be home graced his mind. 

He ate near his window, looking out on the grounds. What would he do, now that he was back? Read in the library for hours? Walk the gardens? Play the violin? He wasn’t sure. Maybe he could paint in the music room?

“Is there anything else I can get you, Mr. Victoriano?” she asked. 

“No, thank you,” he answered and she blinked in pleasant surprise. He had not always been so polite to the maid staff in his youth. She nodded and left him be. 

He was lonely he finally concluded. Being there without the sound of the hospital. Without the patients. And no way to contact anyone other than via a landline. He needed a cell phone like Sebastian. Or a computer with an internet connection. To find out what he’s missed out on in the world. Maybe a television and some movies. 

Whenever Sebastian came to visit again he’d ask how to go about getting the things he wanted. Or maybe he’d contact his lawyer about making some purchases in upgrading his home, starting with a computer. He’d finally be able to catch up on medical journals he’d missed. For now, he just wandered the grounds. 

If he ever wanted to visit Sebastian he’d have to invest in a vehicle and a chauffeur to get him there as he’d never learned how to drive. Perhaps that was something he could learn to do now that he had the freedom. Surely, it couldn’t be any harder than learning chess. 

It was hours before true boredom set in. 

He read in the library for a bit, some Italian classics. He kept looking at the clock as if expecting it to move faster but it seemed to go even slower. Thankfully, the maid came in announcing there was a call for him. Never had he felt such a surge of energy. Briskly he took off to the nearest phone before she could even finish her sentence. He lifted the receiver and immediately started talking.

“Thank God you called, I’m beginning to lose my mind,” he started.

“Ruben,” said a deep voice on the phone, making Ruvik’s blood run cold. “I was under the impression you stopped believing in God some time ago.”

Ruvik stopped breathing for a moment, the air caught in his throat. He hadn’t expected his father to call him. Not now. Not ever, to be honest. That stern voice still filled him with dread even all these years later. Now was not the time to choke on his words. Now was not the time to allow himself panic. 

“It’s an expression,” Ruvik managed to bring the ice back into his voice. “What a surprise to receive a call from you.”

“I was surprised myself when I heard you were discharged from Beacon. Even more surprised to find you’d done so without contacting me,” he said, not sounding shocked at all. 

“Since when do I need to ask you for permission to do anything?” Ruvik asked, the cold ice all gone, replaced with bubbling magma. “I am an adult. And this house belongs to me. Or did you forget when you signed it over after the fire? When you and mother moved to Italy and left me to rot?”

“I see your time in Beacon has done little to temper your attitude, Ruben,” his father jabbed. 

“You did little to improve it. Locking me away in my own home as a prison. Then interring me at that hospital where no one could ever see me. Neither of you ever tried to contact me even after my letters,” Ruvik growled, trying desperately to hold back his anger or he’d fly into a rage, throwing the phone and anything close by. “I thought I was the monster when it was clearly you two.”

“Calm yourself, Ruben. I didn’t make the time to call so you could loose your venom on me,” he responded casually. 

“What do you want?” Ruvik asked gritting his teeth. Every time his father called him by  _ that name _ he gripped the phone tighter.

“Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever,” he quoted scripture. “Just wanted to make sure you had all the things you needed at home. Things to keep you comfortable and happy, my son,” he explained. 

He didn’t want Ruvik to leave the house. Didn’t want the world to know he still existed. Didn’t want people to associate Ruvik with the Victoriano name, tarnishing it. His father still despised him because of his appearance, as if Ruvik had had a say in how he looked. And damn it all, did he just call him his ‘son’? The idea of this man  _ playing _ father now after all these years irked him even more.

Now would be a great time to scream and rage at him. Yell about how he didn’t want anything from him. To let out all the hate he’d been holding for his father all these years. But Sebastian...he would not approve. Not in an angry way. It would be disappointment, and Ruvik didn’t want to see that. He swallowed down all the spiteful fury he wanted desperately to unleash and calmly responded. 

“A computer would be useful,” Ruvik clenched his jaw, trying to sound meek. “To catch up on my medical journals and chemistry papers. Getting back to work is what’s important right now.”

“Agreed, idle hands are the devil’s playthings,” his father commented. “I’ll see to it. Anything else?”

“A television, with cable,” he added. “I’d like to be able to watch the News as I did at Beacon.”

It wasn’t true. He hardly ever watched the news but it would be nice to have a tv. Something to sit in front of and watch with Sebastian after a tiring day. He doubted his father would agree to acquire one for him. At least, not one with cable. Ernesto did not like television. Said it withered the mind. But if it kept Ruvik from wandering too far from the estate...

“Consider it taken care of,” said his father. “If that is all I’ll--”

“One other thing,” Ruvik interrupted him. It was rude but he continued as if it weren’t. “Laura...where is she? I couldn’t find her in the family plot.”

There was a long pause on the other line. For a moment he thought his father had hung up. But he could hear him breathing on the other side, contemplating what to say. 

“She was cremated. We spread her ashes on the Sicilian coast,” he finally spoke. 

“Oh,” said Ruvik, disappointment in his tone. “I see."

What a way to keep them apart, even in death. Ruvik would never travel abroad, not with his insecurities. Well, he might have, if there had been a grave. But without a spot to visit, he wouldn’t know where to look. Where to go. It was a cruel thing to do, so it should not have surprised him that his father did this. 

“It is what she would have wanted. I’ve work to do, Ruben. Take care of yourself.”

Incredibly busy Ernesto Victoriano hung up before Ruvik could say anything more. What an infuriating man. With a slam he hung up the phone, his anger fuming. This was going to ruin his mood all day. He snapped open his violin case and quickly prepared his instrument. 

For an hour he practiced vigorously. High energetic notes giving off an air of frustration. It wasn’t a piece he’d practiced, just something he made up as he went. Isolde brought him a tray for lunch but he hardly spared it a glance, instead continuing to play. He didn’t stop until he was sweating and tired. A mouthful into his sandwich the phone rang again. 

He thought to answer it but let the maid do it for him. The last thing he wanted was to hear his father again. Isolde giggled after answering, making it easy for him to figure out who was on the other line. He got up and shouldered the receiver. 

“Hey handsome, how’s your first day at home?” Sebastian grinned into the phone.

“Unpleasant. I can’t tell you how comforting it is to hear your voice,” Ruvik sighed.

“That sounded suspiciously like a come on,” Sebastian chuckled. “But I get the feeling you meant it differently. Is it Laura again?”

“I wish. It would be easier to dismiss it,” Ruvik shook his head. “My father called…”

“What for?” Sebastian asked, his interest piqued.

“To scold me for leaving Beacon. Or to remind me of my place. I’m not entirely certain,” Ruvik drank from his glass. “To assert his dominance over me in some way.”

“Hate that he ruined your morning. But maybe I can make it better in two days. We can do something fun. Think you can wait that long?” 

“Do I have a choice?” Ruvik asked and shook his head. “I will be fine. I usually am. Thank you for calling. It helps, believe it or not.”

Their conversation was short since Sebastian had to get back to work but he promised to call again after his shift. Just like he had been doing before. Ruvik let the phone down and finished his lunch. It was going to be a tough day and it was only half over. 

*****

Sebastian made it home after his shift and dropped his briefcase at the door as soon as he entered. A small apartment served his needs well. Two bedroom, one bath, plus kitchen/living room combo. One room was set up to be his study, with nothing but a desk, stocked bookshelves, and a space for his new laptop. The other was just like his old bedroom at the old apartment, with one small difference. A nice big bed. Just in case Ruvik wanted to come into town for a few days. He’d even been keeping it relatively tidy.

There was one change in the living room that his old place didn’t have. Now he had a treadmill. He didn’t have time to go to a gym so he made the decision to put something in his house. With how much he drank on a regular basis, he needed a way to keep the excess weight off. Plus, it reminded him of his walks with Ruvik. 

Sebastian kicked off his shoes and went for the bedroom, peeling off his doctor's coat as he went. Once he was sufficiently comfortable, he plopped into his bed and started dialing Ruvik. Isolde answered again. 

“I need to get him a cell phone,” he mumbled as she went to fetch him. “Cut out the middleman.”

“Seb,” he answered. “Done with work?”

“Yep, I’m lounging back on my bed in nothing but my boxers, relaxing in the dying light of the sun,” Sebastian sighed, relieved that the day was over. “Wish you didn’t live so far out. Then it wouldn’t be such a pain getting to you.”

“I agree, having you closer would be preferable,” said Ruvik.

“Will you do me a favor Ruvik?”

“Is this going to turn into one of those obscene phone calls? I am not versed in--”

“No, no. I was hoping you’d play a little something for me? Something soothing?” Sebastian swiped at his brow, resting his hand on his eyes. “It’s been...a tough day, for both of us.”

It didn’t take long for Ruvik to consider it. He said nothing but Sebastian could hear the workings of him preparing his bow. A few more minutes went by until the phone was repositioned to hear the sound better. Ruvik cleared his throat before beginning.

What a somber tune, he thought. It reminded him of a slow dance at a gala. If he closed his eyes he could almost see a dance floor, populated with nobles from some far away land. Rich men and women of the aristocracy dancing under a chandelier while violins played in the background. By the end of it he could see himself dancing, his face close to his partner, drinking in the lust from his eyes. 

“Orientalle, by César Cui,” Ruvik told him when he finished. “Traditionally there is a piano accompaniment. Sometimes it is adapted to the cello instead of the violin, though the merits of such a change are hardly improvement enough to justify the alteration from it’s original form.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re a violin snob,” Sebastian smiled. “It sounded great.”

“Thank you.” 

Ruvik put the violin away in its case and re shouldered the phone. They went on to talk about their day. Sebastian talking the most out of the two of them. About his routes through the hospital, about still getting a little lost on the higher floors, and taking care of sick kids in the clinic. Ruvik hadn’t done much after lunch. He mostly wandered about the house. Then spent an hour or two in the garden just relaxing. 

“Honestly, I’m bored,” Ruvik admitted. “Until I the computer arrives…”

“Could you paint? Or read in the library? You only have to make it another two days and I’ll be over. We can go shopping for anything you need as soon as I get off work on Tuesday,” Sebastian promised. 

“Shopping will be the last thing on my mind when you arrive,” Ruvik admitted openly. 

“Ready for that obscene phone call?” Sebastian joked but then let out a sigh. “Honestly, I can’t wait to see you either.”

They talked a little longer but before long Sebastian was drifting off, his responses getting slower and more intermittent. Eventually, Ruvik told him to just go to bed.

“Alright, alright,” he yawned. “Two more days. Sleep tight, Ruvik. Love you.”

Ruvik choked on the wine he was drinking with his dinner. He didn’t know how to respond other than trying to clear the beverage from his lungs. How could he have been prepared for such a statement? Was he supposed to respond? The question was answered for him when he found the line dead. Sebastian already hung up to sleep.

Love? Was...was Sebastian serious? His face turned pink as he pushed away the rest of his meal, no longer hungry. Of course, he liked Sebastian. He wouldn’t be so intimate with him if he didn’t. But he said it so easily, like it wasn’t a big deal at all. 

But it was a big deal, at least, in Ruvik’s mind it was. 

“I can’t believe he said that,” Ruvik shook his head, trying to erase the blush from his face.

Instead of his usual shower before bed he asked Isolde to draw a bath for him. Somewhere between hot and warm. She threw in some bath salts that clouded the water but were supposed to be good for sensitive skin. Once it was ready he dipped inside the huge tub with a deep sigh. Soothing. Relaxing. No thinking about trivial, mundane things like…

Sebastian telling him that he loved him. 

Ruvik tried washing up to distract himself from it. He tried not to think of Sebastian in the bath with him, massaging at his shoulders. Hands reaching below the water to touch him. Face leaning in to nibble on his ear and whisper.

_ Love you. _

He dropped the washcloth at the vivid feeling that he was really there. With a curse for his active imagination he searched the cloudy water for the rag. He found it  but didn’t keep scrubbing. Instead he wrang it out, folded it, and put it over his eyes as he leaned back. 

“Relax,” he reminded himself. “Just...breathe.”

Two more days. Just two more days. With how long the days dragged on, Ruvik was going to want to jump his bones the minute he walked through the door. 

*****

The days dragged on like weeks. Ruvik kept hoping his computer would come in the day after his father’s call. Instead it came around noon of the day Sebastian was supposed to visit. He probably wouldn't even have time to connect it all up. He felt so cut off from everything. The only link to the outside world was Sebastian’s daily phonecalls. 

The good doctor hadn’t said the magic words again and gave no indication that he remembered saying them before. It infuriated Ruvik while at the same time bringing him some relief. He still wasn’t sure how to respond to such a claim. Maybe Sebastian knew he wasn’t ready for such a declaration. 

He hoped that was why he didn’t say it over the phone again.

Sebastian worked his ass off at the hospital, taking an extra hour or two on his shifts in the hopes that maybe he could get off a little earlier than usual for his weekend break. To pick up a few things, namely a few changes of clothes and some bedroom supplies. He doubted Ruvik had things like lube at the estate. 

And God was he horny. For the last couple of days he barely had time to eat and sleep, let alone rub one out to keep the edge off. All their conversations on the phone didn’t help. Each time Ruvik scolded him for taking too long on his breaks or whenever he said his name, Sebastian could feel a pulse go through his pants. 

By the time he made his lunch time call he knew he’d be leaving a little early. Around three, which was better than six he had to admit. Ruvik was busy doing something as they talked. After dropping the phone a number of times, Sebastian finally had to ask. 

“What are you doing babe?” he inquired and Ruvik dropped the phone yet again with a curse.

“Apologies,” Ruvik cleared his throat. “I’m trying desperately not to tear this infernal machine apart at the seams.”

“The computer? I thought you were a genius?” Sebastian laughed.

“Chemistry. Biology. Psychology. None of which have anything to do with building a computer, Seb,” he grumbled. “With any luck I’ll have it running by...next week. Bring your laptop tonight. I need more instructions. This is ridiculous.”

He could see Ruvik sitting cross legged on the floor with a pile of computer parts and wires strewn about the room, trying to figure out where the RAM is supposed to go and groaning in frustration that it wasn’t as easy as organic chemistry. Sebastian snorted some laughter into the receiver but promised to bring it. He wondered if he could get Ruvik to drop the phone again for entirely different reasons. After looking around and finding himself pretty alone, he lowered his voice discretely.

“I hope you’re not going to tie yourself up all night playing with that thing,” he suggested. “Especially, when you could tie me up and play with me all night instead. God, I want your hands on me.”

The receiver clattered to the floor and Sebastian stifled a laugh. 

“Is this really appropriate conversation to be having at work?” Ruvik reprimanded him, shouldering the phone with a huff. He could almost  _ hear  _ the blush on Ruvik’s face. 

“I love it when you scold me,” Sebastian grinned. 

“Then get back to work, you deviant excuse for a doctor,” Ruvik berated him again. 

“Yeah, like that,” Sebastian responded suggestively. 

“Seb,” Ruvik said in a warning tone. 

“Oh, now you’ve done it,” Sebastian whispered low. “Now I’m going to have sit here for a few minutes until I’m presentable. How embarrassing.”

Ruvik swallowed and bumbled his words. “Yes, w-well. You should be embarrassed.”

“Wish I could take a picture of what you’ve done so I could send it to you,” Sebastian sighed erotically into the phone. “Guess I’ll have to wait until you get that computer working.”

Immediately there was some noise as the receiver shifted again, back to Ruvik’s shoulder. Then the work noises resumed but with a certain urgency. This brought a huge smile to Sebastian’s face. 

“See you soon Ruvik,” Sebastian chuckled. 

“Good bye Seb,” Ruvik huffed back. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter!
> 
> If you liked the chapter, give it a kudos! If you really like it, leave a comment! Don't know what to say? Tell me your favorite part. Or your favorite line. Leave nothing but hearts. Or just smash the keyboard with your face. Anything to show you appreciate the work will do. Writers love that shit. We eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
> 
> So feed us.


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